Astral Sex to Zen Teabags

by Gerry Maguire Thompson

The following is excerpted from the book, Astral Sex – Zen Teabags and is reproduced with permission of Findhorn Press.

AKASHIC RECORDS

An infinitely comprehensive library of records that exists at an obscure location somewhere in the Universe, recording everything that has ever happened, or will happen. Unfortunately noone knows how to consult these records; they are therefore presumed to have been originally set up by a group of Pisceans with Aquarius rising, and nobody was together enough to remember where they put them. Still, its good to know they’re there.

ALIENS

Despite having evolved in totally different biological conditions from us, beings from solar systems other than ours always seem to possess basically human physical characteristics, such as two arms, two legs, and a head. The main hobbies of aliens, it seems, are to visit Earth, abduct human beings and probe them, make crop circles, avoid us knowing how intelligent they are, and have their flying objects remain unidentified.

ANGELS

Generic term for a wide variety of helpful entities with which certain privileged human beings can see or interact. Their main purpose is to help the higher powers to run the Universe, to minimize the damage done to Creation by humans. Some of the more frequently encountered angelic species include:

• Archangels: Flying entities who are so called because their wings meet over their heads in the shape of an arch. This makes humans think they are particularly important, but is actually a design fault that makes flight impossible. This is why all depictions of archangels show them standing still and praying, presumably, for the ability to fly.
• Leprechauns: Small wingless angels in green tights.
• Fairies: A large subspecies that specializes in its own form of cakes. The whole angelic host, in fact, regard cake-making as a very important archetypal activity with enormous potential for creating both good and evil. The residue of this work is still in evidence in human affairs, through such enduring phenomena as fairy cakes, angel cake, devils’ food cake, and Death by Chocolate.

ASTRAL

Doing things astrally means doing so without your body being involved. In the late 20th century, it became fashionable to do almost anything astrally, as in astral projection and astral sex. For beginners, elementary astral sex took place in the auric field just beyond the body. Experienced astral sexers can join the “100,000 Club,” which means having sex with someone in a galaxy 100,000 light years away.

Another popular activity was astral study, in which student’s spirits leave the body during sleep and journey to etheric workshops, where they can study esoteric teachings with such great teachers and leading authorities as Jesus Christ, Shakyamuni Buddha, or Ragbag Shri Baksheesh. The problem is that the students aren’t allowed to remember what they have learned: the information stays in the unconscious and remains the property of the course providers.

Other popular astral pursuits included astral stamp collecting and astral gardening.

REIKI

Reiki (pronounced ray-key) is a form of hands-on healing through working with subtle energies. Anyone can become a “Reiki Master” by attending a weekend course. Once you have splashed out on this training for yourself, you can get it back several times over by initiating others the following weekend. This idea may have inspired a similar set-up in NLP. Reiki degrees are often offered on a buy-one-get-one-free basis (“Flakey Reiki”).

YOGA

Yoga is basically tying yourself in knots, but in a good way. Contemporary yoga has evolved many new forms from the ancient varieties. These include:

• Iyengar: Severe yoga that favors elaborate use of equipment and instruments of torture
• Scaravelli: A more relaxed type of yoga that permits the eating of pasta during practice
• Bikram: Known as “hot yoga”, sadly, it’s no longer cool
•  Ashtanga: The most pretentious of modern yoga styles, favored by B list celebrities and movie stars

Contemporary yoga calls for instant results, minimum input of time and energy, and sound-bite postures that accommodate today’s favored lifestyles. Here are some of the most popular modern poses:

• Pilchardasana, or Pose of the Sardine, has evolved for the ultra-crowded urban yoga class.  No-one can move; you just lie there, and the teacher tells you how brilliant you are.
• For those suffering from an extreme hangover or the effects of overindulgence in recreational drugs, the traditional Pose of the Dog and Pose of the Hare have been amalgamated into the highly therapeutic Pose of the Hair of the Dog.
•  Two of the most archetypal yoga postures in this new era of extreme superficiality are the Pose of the Annoying, or Pain-in-the-Asana, and the Pose of the Pretentious, the potentially irrevocable Disappearing-Up-Your-Own-Asana

ZEN

A once-significant term whose meaning has diminished through persistent overuse until today it means nothing at all, as in Zen and the Art of Archery, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, Zen and the Art of Making a Nice Cup of Tea, Now and Zen, and so on.

ZEN TEABAGS

Generic term for random words or phrases thought up on the spur of the moment by disreputable individuals. They have absolutely no meaning but are passed off as authentic and deeply meaningful expressions. Sometimes used by writers, especially in book titles. Oscar Wilde is the patron saint of Zen Teabaggism.

Gerry Thompson is a stand-up comedian and the author of several New Age and humor books, including Cats are from Venus, Dogs are from Mars.

Anne Ward is the illustrator of The Weekend Shaman and Other New Age Types.

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For more information or to order the book, click on the book cover or visit: FindhornPress.com