Breaking the Cycle of Bad Relationships
A good relationship has three functions: it should make both partners happy; it should make them feel good about themselves and it should bring out the best in both. If one or more of these functions aren’t being fulfilled, the relationship by definition is problematic.
Many people grow up in happy, loving families where they see their parents treating each-other with care and respect. As children, they are given all the love and affirmation they need in order to grow up confident and secure. These people have little trouble forming healthy, happy romantic relationships.
Those individuals whose parents were in conflict, or were neglectful or even abusive to the children are lacking in the good foundation that the former group was able to establish. Some of these people fear closeness because being open and vulnerable could mean being hurt or rejected. Their ambivalence around intimacy leads them to choose partners who are unavailable or unable to commit.
Some people expect their romantic partner to treat them the way their parents did, and enter into their relationships defensive or even somewhat hostile toward their innocent and unknowing partner. On the other hand, many people from bad childhoods will choose a partner who is as cruel or rejecting as their parents were.
They do this for a few reasons: people go for what is familiar even if it’s hurtful, because it’s less anxiety-provoking than something new and unknown. They will also stay with a hurtful partner out of insecurity and the fear of being alone.
Another reason why people choose partners who resemble their parents is out of what Freud calls the “repetition compulsion.” This is an unconscious attempt to vicariously heal their parent-child relationship through their current one. The inner wish is that by transforming a rejecting or abusive partner into a loving, accepting one they’ll also somehow heal the emotional wounds of their childhood.
Unfortunately, this doesn’t work because for one, the chances of making someone change are slim to none. Secondly, even if this person were to change, the truth is that no relationship in the present can heal the emotional wounds created in the past. The person engaging in the repetition compulsion will remain in a bad relationship, hoping unsuccessfully that things will get better and suffering enormously in the process.
If you find yourself going in and out of frustrating, dissatisfying relationships, the solution is to see that either you’ve been continually choosing the wrong partner or that you’ve been projecting the qualities of your parents onto someone who in reality, is nothing like these people. You also need to recognize that your fear of being alone is based on a lack of self-confidence and self-love.
In order to be in a satisfying, non-conflictual relationship it’s essential to heal the emotional wounds you’ve been carrying. You’ll need to face the losses you experienced during childhood and actively grieve them until you can let go of whatever pain or anger you’ve been carrying. This will enable you to approach a partner without the unconscious expectation that they’ll hurt or reject you.
You’ll need to learn how to give yourself the love, affirmation and protection that was lacking in the past, and this will enable you to feel less afraid of rejection, and to trust that you can be comfortable on your own. Grieving your losses and developing self-love will result in your letting go of the need to choose unavailable partners or to engage in the repetition-compulsion.
By taking responsibility for dealing with your emotional issues, you’ll make it possible to enter into relationships unburdened by the fears, beliefs or expectations created by the wounds of the past. Healing yourself will free you to choose loving, caring partners who, like you, are looking for meaningful companionship and intimacy.
(C) Marcia Sirota 2010
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About the Author
Marcia Sirota MD FRCP(C) is a board-certified psychiatrist, that does not ascribe to any one theoretical school. Rather, she has integrated her education and life experiences into a unique approach to the practice of psychotherapy. She considers herself a realist with a healthy measure of optimism. Sign up here for her free monthly wellness newsletter. Listen here to her latest podcast. mariasirotamd.com
This article spoke to me. I was in a relationship for 13 years with a man who really wasn’t around as much as I deserved. I know it has a lot to do with the dysfunctional relationship my parents had as well as the relationship I had with my father. I finally made the decision not to go into another relationship until I started working on loving and appreciating myself.
I didn’t like reading this and it made me kind of irritated mostly because its true.I have been for 20 years going back to the same bad relationship and now I know why.I wish I had been raised with more love and good role models.Now I just hope its not to late for me.