Now Reading
Repairing Relationships

Repairing Relationships

repairing-relationships_OMTimes

By Mary Cook, M.A., R.A.S.

The disease of addiction gratifies sick, destructive needs. Healthy needs of self and others are increasingly ignored. This is part of the defensive self-centeredness of the active addict. The solution in sobriety is to cultivate compassion, honesty, sensitivity and respect and to demonstrate this through service to others. Ultimately and ironically however, we must also become self-centered again, but in a healthy, constructive manner. Our deepest core self is connected to our higher power. As we use recovery to let go of defensive, destructive needs, and create an environment that supports healthy needs as well as our strengths and talents, we are honoring our real self as a gift from our higher power.

Active addiction harms self and others physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. This means that a full amends to self and others is in order for complete recovery. We must identify specific ways we harmed ourselves and others in our adolescence and adulthood. We do not hold ourselves responsible for harm given or received in childhood however. Children internalize, imitate and act from the role models in their environment. When children are harmful, it is either because there is damage to the brain or more commonly, it is a reaction to how they have been harmed in some way. When children are abused, abandoned or deprived of normal, healthy physical and psychological needs, the damage is never their fault.

Amends to others is an accounting of specific harm remembered by the addict, an invitation to others to relate any additional harm that they recall and a dialogue regarding feelings and thoughts about the incidents. The addict’s demonstration of positive attitude and behavior changes must accompany this experience and continue in future encounters. The changes correct past unhealthy behaviors so that no new harm is perpetrated.



Some significant others have unrealistic or unhealthy expectations of amends. They may think the recovering person is supposed to meet their every desire and need, never hurting their feelings or disappointing them again. They mistakenly believe this control over the addict will make up for constraints and deprivations suffered from the disease. Some significant others feel they should be able to harm, mistreat or exploit the addict in retaliation for the abuse they sustained. These ideas are not healthy for either party and do not correct past problems.

Amends to self is an accounting of beliefs, feelings and actions that harmed us. This includes the damaging internalizations initiated by others. Addicts who survived traumas deserve to heal from the traumas themselves, as well as from their reactive or retaliatory consequences to them. When character defects stem from childhood wounds, this identification is an important part of releasing them. For instance, if we are cruel, we were denied compassion, if we are impulsive, our emotions were not contained, and if we are destructive, we were not kept safe. Children who are significantly harmed falsely believe they are at fault. This belief attracts others who will perpetuate similar harm and triggers self abuse. Recovering addicts must alter their self-image to facilitate a new relationship with self, based on recovery principles. Healing, insight and growth must replace toxic punishment and repetition of harm.

When recovering addicts make amends to persons who abused them, it is ideal if they have first made amends to themselves in this area. Otherwise there is a possibility of the addict feeling re-wounded by these persons. If the addict has healed in the area of the original harm, any possible toxic response on the part of others who have not healed or grown themselves will be minimized. In general, the more insight we’ve gained and the more healthy changes we’ve made, the more our amends will have a positive impact for all.



See Also
twin flames OMTimes

When we are not healthy we see ourselves and others through gross distortions. When we deny our real thoughts, feelings and behaviors in response to drugs, or in response to others who impose their needs upon us, we deny ourselves the very love that we need to grow and the conscious awareness of the spiritual connection that sustains us. We do this to others as well. When I judge and condemn myself harshly, remain angry or frenetic to avoid vulnerability, hide the parts of myself that I fear, torment myself with unrealistic expectations, pretend I am apathetic and stoic in response to hurt, then I cannot see you or me. I only see what is artificially contrived from fear. We can’t give away what we don’t have and we can’t receive love that we don’t feel for ourselves. We can repeat what is sick in our relationships with ourselves and others or we can realize that we deserve healing and that it begins with us.

Click HERE to Connect with your Daily Horoscope!

About the Author

Mary Cook is the author of “Grace Lost and Found: From Addictions and Compulsions to Satisfaction and Serenity”, available from Amazon.com, etc. http://www.amazon.com/Grace-Lost-Found-Compulsions-Satisfaction/dp/… Mary has 38 years of clinical practice and 29 years of university teaching experience. She is available for telephone and office counseling, guided meditation, and speaking engagements. Her Facebook page is: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Mary-Cook/166903606690909  www.marycookma.com



View Comments (2)
  • I’ve just done the Awakening of Love workshop and repaired my relationship of 12 years! I never thought it was possible, but it was a remarkable process and I now know there is hope for couples wanting to rekindle their love and have a healthy, sustainable relationship.

  • I know the Awakening of Love workshop well. It has helped my daughter cope
    with anxiety and her panic attacks and she’s really made some big changes
    in her life ever since. I think it would do the readers service adding
    the link to the workshop because it’s a life-changing process whether you’re resolving your relationship or healing yourself. Our entire family can’t say enough about this process. Check out the Divine Meetings website for the Awakening of Love process.

Leave a Reply

©2009-2023 OMTimes Media, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

This website is a Soul Service-oriented Outreach.  May all sentient beings be free from suffering and the causes of suffering and know only everlasting bliss.

Scroll To Top