Why I Love Feeling Needy
By Lexi Soulios
It used to scare me to feel needy – and especially to risk appearing that way to someone else. Only unattractive, unlovable people were needy. The kind of people no one wanted to be around.
So I’d pretend I was too cool to care. When the man I was dating would forget to call, I’d act like I’d been too busy to notice. When a new girlfriend would blow me off for a lunch date, I’d tell her it hadn’t been a problem. After all, I wasn’t a needy, dependent loser with no life.
But, you know what? That was exactly the point I’d been missing. I did have a life – and acting in a way that was inauthentic to the way I really felt was denying my own existence. (Besides, my true feelings would come out later in not-so-fabulous ways anyway.)
It’s taken years of healing old wounds and learning to turn my compassion inward, but I see things much differently now. Not only do I accept my needs as natural, I’ve discovered they provide important insight to help me navigate through almost any circumstance. Now when that small child inside feels needy and wants to convince someone in my life to show up differently, I don’t shut down. I welcome it as an easy-to-read sign that something’s out of balance.
Here’s what I mean. The next time you find yourself feeling needy, turn inward for more information. You might discover that a part of yourself is simply calling for a few minor habits to be adjusted (like getting more sleep, or taking ten minutes of alone time when you get home from work), or you could realize that you’ve been putting someone on a pedestal and aren’t being respected in return.
Here are some helpful questions to ask about being needy:
1. Have I been taking care of my basic needs for sleep, healthy food, alone time, fun, etc.?
When we neglect to take care of ourselves, it’s only natural that we begin wanting others to give us their energy and attention. Sometimes the best thing to do when we sense ourselves wanting more from someone than they’re giving is to schedule a night completely to ourselves so we can take a relaxing bath, eat a good meal and get a solid night’s rest. Hitting the reset button like this can put everything back into perspective. Plus, a level of basic self-care is essential if we want to show up in a healthy way for our partners, families, clients and co-workers.
2. Has my world become too small?
Spending a lot of time with the same person or group of people can make it easy to forget there’s a big world out there. When our world gets too small, we tend to get overly sensitive to our lover’s responses, to our boss’ feedback, or to a friend’s comment about our new hairstyle. So make your world bigger. Reconnect with loved ones you haven’t spoken with in a while, reach out to new people who interest you, get outside and do something you love. It can completely change the way you feel and free you from the sense that your happiness or value depends on any one person or group of people.
3. Can I be my best self around this person/these people?
Sometimes we just need to communicate more often and more clearly with our loved ones and they will happily be more present, supportive, loving, and so on. Other times, that may not be the case. If we’ve repeatedly asked for what we need in a self-responsible, healthy way, yet aren’t being heard, seen or taken seriously, then of course we’d feel off-center and needy. Anyone would. When you give your precious time and energy to any relationship that feels consistently one-sided, it’s going to be difficult to be your best self. So, try to focus instead on feeding connections where you feel seen, valued, nourished and empowered.
These three questions can be used anytime you notice feeling as though your happiness depends on how someone else behaves. If your answers don’t lead to immediate shifts in the way you feel, or if they reveal a deeper, familiar personal pattern (e.g., fear of abandonment, repeated experience of rejection, feeling like you don’t belong), then it’s a great opportunity to dive deeper and do some healing work to transform the pattern.
The bottom line is this: The more you view your neediness as a messenger, instead of a problem, the easier it will be to develop a strong sense of trust with yourself and to act in ways that help the universe shower you with support and abundance.
Click HERE to Connect with your Daily Horoscope!
About the Author
Lexi Soulios is a personal healing guide, alternative therapist and ordained minister living in Ashland, Oregon. For over a decade, she’s been helping conscious women experience more love, prosperity and peace of mind by transforming old trauma and ancestral dynamics through Family Constellation Therapy, EFT, Re-Evaluation Counseling, Hakomi and women’s circles. Find out more about Lexi at her website: www.lexisoulios.com
