When to Un-Friend an Old Friend
They say some people enter your life for a reason or a season. Maybe it is time to un-friend a friend who is no longer having a positive impact on your life.
Do You Know When to Un-Friend a Friend?
Friendship, like many other things in life, can have an expiration date. There are some friends who stay with you for your whole life but there are also many friends who come into your life and are part of it only for a certain amount of time.
Through our lives, we grow and change. Ideally, our friends will grow and change with us. As we mature, we develop different attitudes and different needs.
Some things that we considered necessities in the past become things we can do without in the present; some behaviors political views or religious affiliations that we could accept before becoming deal breakers, today.
We realize that some people act in ways which didn’t bother us so much when we were younger, but now these behaviors have become intolerable.
As we grow stronger, healthier and more conscious, we begin to see all of our relationships much more clearly. We identify the friends whose values we once shared but who we see today as just too different from us.
Sometimes we simply grow apart as we make life choices which put us in different social or economic circles. Some people choose a more traditional lifestyle while others opt for a bohemian way of life.
If we’re middle-class and our friend has become wealthy through inheritance, career or marriage, it might complicate our relationship unless both of us are able to handle this potentially tricky situation.
We can also get into conflicts or misunderstandings with an old friend. As we evolve and change, they might still be attached to seeing us a certain way. If they’re unable to accept the new, more improved version of us, the friendship can’t be sustained.
I’ve heard of a few instances where one person got married and their friend began acting funny around them. People get used to a particular dynamic and can be resistant to seeing it change.
If we’ve always been available at the drop of a hat and now have responsibilities and commitments associated with being a spouse, our friend may not be willing to accept this.
If our friend can’t get over the fact that we’re no longer at their beck and call, or if they become jealous of the affection we’re giving our spouse, it may mean the end of the friendship.
Then there are the so-called “frenemies.” These are people who we thought were our friends when we were younger and less aware.
We were invested in being kind and understanding, so we made excuses for their bad behavior and put up with their unreasonableness.
As we grew older and wiser we were able to see that their jealousy, competitiveness, complaining and attempts at exploitation became tiresome.
Their demands for attention, frequent crises and most especially, their betrayals could no longer be explained away. Our growing consciousness made it clear to us that this person had to go and it is time to un-friend them.
So, whether it’s because you’ve grown apart because you no longer share the same values or lifestyle, or because you realize that the friendship isn’t giving you what you need ( and maybe never did), it’s time to un-friend this person.
Ending a friendship can be done simply by not responding to phone calls, texts or emails and gently letting the person get the point, or it may require a ‘breakup’ conversation.
Sometimes the former is preferable, especially if the other person is likely to become very hurt or angry by such a conversation.
It’s upsetting and embarrassing to be rejected, so if we do have the talk, we owe it to the person to be as kind as possible. On the other hand, we also owe it to ourselves not to get into a major conflict over a relationship that we no longer want.
If the person won’t take a gentle hint, or if the breakup conversation results in their becoming demanding or aggressive or if they try to make us feel guilty, we can feel justified in cutting off the conversation with no further explanation.
Many of us are sentimental about our friendships and want to believe that they should all last a lifetime. We need to be realistic about the true nature of friendship.
While some friendships will be sustained for many years, even forever, many people in our lives will be there only for a certain period of time, and this is perfectly natural and acceptable. It is ok to un-friend the friend and move on.
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About the Author
Marcia Sirota MD FRCP(C) is a board-certified psychiatrist, that does not ascribe to any one theoretical school. Rather, she has integrated her education and life experiences into a unique approach to the practice of psychotherapy. She considers herself a realist with a healthy measure of optimism. Sign up here for her free monthly wellness newsletter.
Terrible article. To end an old friendship with anything less than a full conversation is disrespectful and completely unmindful. The author suggests turning tail and run. Cowardice.
Last week my friend blocked me on Facebook without giving any reason. But I am thankful to her for doing this to me. Now I will concentrate on my work more than previously. Lastly I came in a position to erase her from my mind completely.
It really depends on the people involved. If you are dealing with someone who belittles you then tucking tail and running may be needed. I really got a lot of good stuff out of this article. I was just going to stop talking to a friend but I decided to have the talk. We are trying to mend the relationship slowly but in some situations a clean break is best. Does that make sense?
As I read this article, all I was hearing was judgement of & condemnation for who they have deemed not worthy of them. What is going on with so many who claim to be evolving into someone who is spiritual and yet think so horribly toward other human beings!!! Where is the love & compassion & helping those who struggle? If our Creator operated on the same premise as they are, they would be judged & abandoned living in their own self created hell with no compassion to even care about them. Oh My Dear God, what is going on!!! And what the Hell is Ruthless Compassion?? That’s so twisted, and so many can not even see the selfish evil seeping even deeper into the pores of our human weaknesses!!
For the most part I agree with you, but there are grey areas in life that may call for us to sadly consider leaving a friend behind. I have a friend that I have known for 16 years. We were immediately best of friends, it felt like I had known her forever. She has degenerative back disease and I was always in a position to be able to help her while her husband was at work until the kids got home from school. She helped me in many ways as well. To this day I am grateful for everything she helped me though when I found myself divorced with two young boys to raise. We met for a reason, we were just what each other needed at that time in our life. Six years after we met, I was diagnosed with Primary Pulmonary Hypertension and was told I had 4-7 years left to live. I spent 3 months in the hospital trying to get my oxygen levels to stay high enough, for my heart rate to stay under 100, and to get my weight back to 116. Needless to say this was a life changer for me, and I am blessed to be here 10 years later still fighting this disease. The thing about this is, it totally changed the dynamics of our relationship. There were many things I had to change in my life, one of the major changes was trying to avoid stress. I had never had anxiety attacks until this time which my doctor said was natural when a person’s body is struggling for oxygen. It caused my heart to enlarge and I had had troubles doing things I had done for my friend before, like helping her out of bed and getting her dressed. My friend, bless her heart, has always been a very hyper person and is also bi-polar. Before my diagnosis I had dealt with these things just fine, I have always been a patient person and we taught each other things from our different perspective. After the illness though it seemed like she had trouble realizing that the things that were okay before were no longer possible for me. In the beginning I would push myself too hard, because I had trouble telling her no, then I would find myself paying for it physically that night and the next day. I was adjusting to all these things and I decided to have a sit down with her to share my feelings and to see if we could come up with any ideas on how we could change things to suit the both of us….to compromise. Due to her long years of being on pain meds and muscle relaxers, blended with the fact that she was hyperactive and bi-polar, led to the fact that she was also forgetful. Things would get better for a day maybe two and things would go back to the way they were. Even after having a week stay in ICU (which happened four times that first year after diagnosis) and while there the nurses would end up having her leave because it was too much excitement for me and she could not stay calm enough to sit with me. My mom could bring my 10 & 12 year old boys to see me and they could register the fact that I had to stay calm. I could go on and on with examples of things that were happening between her and I. I will tell you though that I didn’t just quickly decide to cut my friend out of my life. Her and I sat down multiple times to discuss this. I tried to save our friendship. I struggled with the obligation that I felt to stay friends. I was very sad to think my only option was to cut her out of my life, but I had to look after my physical needs. I had to survive for my children. This was 4 and a half years ago. About six months ago I accepted an invitation to have a girls’ sleep over while her husband was out of town for the night. I missed her and I had hopes that maybe things had changed and we could start hanging out more often because there are things I do miss about her. A few things happened that evening that reinforced the fact that I had made the right decision. One of the bigger things was even though I was sitting there on my oxygen and had already had an asthma attack due the to cinnamon air freshener she had sprayed at one point of the evening (she knew that cinnamon trigger my asthma) she refused to go outside to smoke. She chain smoked to the point that the air was cloudy, I ended up having to go home that evening, which was hard because she cried and cried. She sent me texts and called my phone all the way home. When I got home there were multiple voice mails of her crying and saying sorry & almost twenty texts back to back trying to explain why she was doing what she was doing and she promised to quit if I came back. Talk about high anxiety, I was maxed out on it. We still talk every few months but I can not handle a daily relationship with her. I can not ask her to change who she is as a person. At one point in my life, the loud outrageous and hyper girl I met was a breath of fresh air. After all the changes I had to make to live longer for me and my family, it turns out leaving a friend behind was one of them.
I’m so sorry Janice that my ranting struck a painful cord for you. While reading what happened between the two of you, not once did I sense anything but love in your heart for her. Every step of the way of doing what you needed to do to be ok, it was with such love & compassion about her struggles too. You didn’t judge her, you understood and cared. You even risked your life to try it one more time. Your such a beautiful heartwarming person. You are a living example of how to live your life with compassion. I’m sorry you lost such a dear friend.
terrible article indeed. especially suggesting someone turn to passive aggressive behavior because you “owe” it to yourself not to get into conflict or because the person may be “hurt”? Are we talking about acquaintances or real friends? Would someone suggest you leave a marriage in the same way? Just stop returning your spouses emails and calls until they gently get the hint. This woman is actually a psychiatrist? No wonder the world is so messed up. Definitely a very dysfunctional and emotionally unhealthy way to handle conflict and the end of a major relationship.
It’s true! I have un-friended some friends. Happens!