The 10 Traits of a Good Lover
Are you a good lover?
The 10 Characteristics of a Good Lover
In my new book, The Ecstasy of Surrender, I discuss how to manifest your full sexual power, even if you are out of touch with it now. First, you must learn to completely inhabit your body and the moment. If not now, when? Holding back, fixating on performance, or letting your mind chatter and drift is the end of passion. It’s vital to get out of your head and into your bliss.
What is true sexual power? I define it as proudly claiming your erotic self and mindfully channeling sexual energy. You never use it to hurt, manipulate, smother, make conquests or get addicted to the ego-trip of sensual pleasure at the expense of others. This is bad karma. Nor do you allow others to harm or disrespect you. Sexual power is not just who you are in bed, though that’s an aspect of it. You also make electric linkages to your body, to spirit, to a lover, to the universe. It’s a turn on when sexual power is blended with spiritual power. Too many of us in our heady, frantic world lack the rich experience of having a primal connection with someone. Sexuality can offer us this, a satisfaction you can never get from your intellect alone. As you open to both sex and spirit, whether you’re single or part of a couple, you’ll be a vessel for erotic flow, enjoying pleasure without insecurities or inhibitions.
A key aspect of sexual power is emotional intimacy, an instinctive desire to bond to a lover, to feel comfort, to be known. This makes the difference between pure physical sex and lovemaking. Emotional intimacy comes from affection, from sharing feelings, from being vulnerable. By caring you reinforce each other’s attractiveness and make each other feel special. As friends and lovers, you are fundamentally there for each other which creates trust. You see each other as real people, the good and the bad, not some idealized version. When conflict, anger, or hurt feelings arise, you’re committed to working through them.
What makes a good lover? There’s electric chemistry between couples that is unique to them. Smell, voice, touch, and kissing style all figure in. Technical skills and good hygiene are also important. But beyond these, here are some characteristics to look for.
10 Traits of a Good Lover from The Ecstasy of Surrender
1. You’re a willing learner
2. You’re playful and passionate
3. You make your partner feel sexy
4. You’re confident, not afraid to be vulnerable
5. You’re adventurous and willing to experiment
6. You communicate your needs and listen to your partner
7. You make time and don’t rush
8. You enjoy giving pleasure as much as you enjoy receiving it
9. You’re supportive, not judgmental
10. You’re fully present in the moment with good eye contact and can let go
What stops us from being good lovers? Frequently it’s time constraints, self-centeredness, inhibitions, and lack of technique. Also, our minds won’t shut off which keeps us from being in the moment. Further, many of us resist surrendering to how sexy we really are. Why? We haven’t learned to see ourselves as sexy. We’ve been brainwashed by the “skinny ideal.” Also, sex is frequently viewed more as a performance feat than a holy exchange. Growing up, most of us haven’t been given the right kind of education about what true sexiness is. If only we’d been taught that sexuality is a healthy, natural part of us that we must embody in a mindful, loving way–not something “dirty” or something to be ashamed of. Early on we learn that the words vagina and penis embarrass people. Except between lovers, they are rarely ever part of our vocabulary. We are a culture that embraces shame, only there is nothing to be ashamed of!
Sexual responsiveness is a sensitive barometer. Intimacy requires self-awareness and a willingness to remove obstacles. Taking action can help you achieve a loving, erotic relationship. On a daily basis, train yourself to be more mindful about getting rest and pacing yourself. It’s not sexy to rush around and be constantly stressed out. Especially when you’re busy, it’s important to remember to breathe, a quick way to reconnect with your body! Though family, work, and other demands can intrude on making time sexuality, being dedicated to self-care can help you prioritize it in your relationship.
To cure self-doubts, you need to be solution-oriented. For instance, if you wonder, “Is my technique right?” honestly talk with your partner how you can meet each other’s needs. If you’re bored with the same positions, playfully brainstorm together about exciting ways to experiment. Also, with respect, keep discussing the anger or hurt you may feel towards each other so that your resentments don’t numb passion. For more complex issues such as fear of intimacy reach out to a therapist or a friend for insight. While exploring your fears, be kind to yourself. Such sweetness allows you to mend wounds and reclaim your sexual power.
This article was adapted from The Ecstasy of Surrender: 12 Surprising Ways Letting Go Can Empower Your Life Harmony Books, 2014 by Judith Orloff MD.
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You will also enjoy 7 Secrets of Spectacular Sex and 10 Elements of a Soulmate
About the Author
Judith Orloff, MD is a psychiatrist, an empath, and is on the UCLA Psychiatric Clinical Faculty. She synthesizes the pearls of traditional medicine with cutting edge knowledge of intuition, energy, and spirituality. Dr. Orloff also specializes in treating empaths and highly sensitive people in her private practice. She is the author of Emotional Freedom, The Power of Surrender, Second Sight, Positive Energy, and Guide to Intuitive Healing. To learn more about empaths and her free empath support newsletter as well as Dr. Orloff’s books and workshop schedule, visit www.drjudithorloff.com
I don’t know, I just think there are a thousand better things out there, it’s boring and yucky to me, a chore. I’ve done it a couple thousand times w/ a few different partners, why would I continue to do something so often that doesn’t interest me? If it were any other activity no one would encourage you to continue w/ something you clearly don’t like. I’m not quite opposed to sex for myself but sex w/ other humans is boring.
I utterly agree. “Emotional intimacy is the key.” It makes a massive pleasant dent in all the loving moments.
Then you haven’t found the right partner yet. I use to feel the same way but then I met hubby & it was amazing! Not the first time that was awkward but after that amazing. Not every time will be like that but a lot of the time can be if you’ll allow it to be. It’s more of a mindset of people with certain baggage (emotional hurt) The problem is you don’t trust & you relate it to bad things. In order to move forward you have to let go of the baggage. Your partner now didn’t have anything to do with the past. It’s really hard to loosen up but your partner loves you and wants to make you happy. Try to relax enough to enjoy the feeling. Close your eyes & relax. Don’t shut down and off. Try to connect to what feels good. It could be as simple as a quick make out session or a deeply passionate kiss. It doesn’t have to specifically be about sex as in actual intercourse. Like I said what feels good 🙂
Do you prefer animals….
So many people are so self centered it’s impossible for them to relate to this they can’t conceive of giving themselves fully to another person
Ok, I guess I did leave it sounding as if there was only one other option if not people and while I enjoy the company of animal, not in any sexual way if that’s what your implying. I’m talking about spirit beings or beings that have never been human… I think it might have been what is sometimes referred to as an incubus. I also can’t help but thinking about stories of Zeus where he visits women as a golden mist and impregnates them. After this one particularly bizarre experience, I was relieved when my period came that month. I’ve been debating how much I want to describe some things from it but what mainly compels me to write about it, is that perhaps someone else that has experienced something similar will find this. If someone does, by all means contact me and I will write more. Lets just say, it was like nothing I ever experienced, it was awesome cause I didn’t question what was happening and just went with it instead of being in total fear, and it definitely felt like something I was NOT to encourage. In retrospect, it felt like there were 2 entities present, one was something darker and another was a sort of protecting chaperone, perhaps that’s why I didn’t feel scared but more fascinated. Coming back to a more grounded, Earth based reason for explaining my unimpressed view of physical intimacy, I think what Usmc Girl and the others wrote also has a major role in the way it makes me feel. My husband’s silhouette often does reminds me of an ex boyfriend I was with for 10 years and my mind wants to be chatty with all that needs to be done tomorrow. I am often not present the way I would wish to be.
After the incident on Sat, it would be very difficult for me to relax with a man, especially anyone who would remind me of that incident. I tend to remember things and it would be difficult.
That is not necessarily true. There are perfectly healthy asexual people out there that just do not like sex and there is nothing wrong with that. I am not one of them as I like sex a lot, but its perfectly fine for someone not to like it.