These days, we conduct so many of our relationships online that when we finally meet someone face-to-face, we are often more awkward, uncomfortable, and unsure of ourselves. Lately, I have heard stories from a few women who have been trying online dating. They shared that the men they were communicating with were happy to chat online but weren’t getting around to making an in-person date.
Online Dating is Only Part of the Picture
We figured that maybe the men were married and unprepared to take their flirtations beyond the virtual. Perhaps they were so used to online interactions that they felt uncomfortable meeting in the real world. Either way, these men weren’t setting up actual dates.
This underscores the two main problems of spending so much time online. The first problem is that people often misrepresent themselves in their online profiles. The second is that the more we email, text, Facetime, Tweet, or swipe right, the less comfortable we are with dating in real life.
Fortunately, there is a simple solution to both of these problems. Learning basic communication skills will help us take our online chats into the real world and create more successful dates.
Learning to Identify Dishonest People Online
First, we need to identify dishonest people online, and this comes down to recognizing a few red flags. If the other person immediately wants to leave the dating site and start emailing on their private email, that is a red flag. Or, if they want to skip the site’s protocol and go directly to communicating via personal email, this is also suspicious.
Online dating sites do their best to keep you safe, so when someone wants to leave the site or break protocol, it is often because they are not on the level.
Another red flag to look for is when a date is planned, and the other person is very particular about when they can and cannot meet. Someone who has obvious time restrictions could very well be in a relationship and have only a small window of time in which to cheat on their partner.
Pay Attention to Red Flags When Online Dating
The next red flag is a profile photo in which the person is flaunting wealth, for example, leaning against a fancy car or flashing a high-end watch. Think of these as fishing lures–shiny objects meant to snare the unsuspecting minnows in the dating pool. Of course, some people are so good at lying and cheating that they won’t show you any red flags before you meet them. So, you need to look for the red flags when you’re on your first date.
It’s best to make the first meeting a short daytime coffee date. Drinking alcohol on a first date makes it much harder to observe the other person and to get a sense of whether they’re legit. A too-long or too-romantic first date is more likely to create a premature or false sense of intimacy that could make it easier to ignore any red flags.
Red flags on a first date include bragging, name-dropping, rudeness toward servers, hostile or critical remarks, talking excessively about the ex, being overly flirtatious or sexual, poor eye contact, or focusing on technology more than on you. They also include any signs that the person could be married, such as being cagey about their living situation or extracurricular activities.
If you notice any of these dating red flags, take them very seriously. By paying attention to them early on, you can avoid trouble.
Communication is Very Important in Dating
Communication is so important when it comes to dating. The key at the beginning is to keep it light and pleasant. Too much intensity is uncomfortable and inappropriate. Do not get into your deepest thoughts, feelings, hopes, and dreams on the first or even the next few dates. It is too much, too soon.
Likewise, don’t overshare about past relationships or painful experiences. There is a gradual process of getting to know each other. This should happen over several months of dating.
Physical intimacy can be tricky as well. Often, having sex will give you the impression that you are a lot closer than you are. Unfortunately, though, for many people, sex is just sex. Sex too soon can make you feel more vulnerable. Then, if the other person was only looking for a quick hook-up and has taken off, you will be left feeling violated and humiliated, and you are still single.
You have all the time you need to get to know each other, both physically and emotionally. Take your time, enjoy some small talk, and get a feel for one another. Let things evolve gradually over several dates rather than trying to cram it all in at once.
Good communication on a date involves expressing your thoughts, feelings and needs clearly and directly. If something bothers you, speak up. That is the only way the other person will know how you feel. The same goes for asking for what you want.
Listening to the Other Person – Reflect Your Understanding
Listening is the other side of good communication, so listen carefully to what the other person is saying and ask yourself how it makes you feel. Don’t make assumptions about what they mean. If you do not understand something, clarify. If what you hear makes you uncomfortable, trust your gut. Do not let this person or anyone else talk you out of your reactions.
One issue with online communications versus real-life dating is that we often present our online persona as more attractive, charming, and successful than in real life. It can be nerve-wracking to meet someone new, knowing that the real you is not quite as fantastic as the online version. The antidote to this is to trust that the other person is probably presenting a shinier version of themselves online, too.
When you meet, seeing a slightly less glamorous version of each other might be a surprise. But, hopefully, you can both get over this to discover who the real person is beyond the online persona.
Online communication is all about flashy surfaces and instant gratification. Everything you want is beautiful, glamorous, and available at the touch of a finger. Real-life interactions are different. They are more imperfect and need to be slowly cultivated like a garden. Plant the seeds, add water, sunshine, and fertilizer, and then wait patiently for whatever flowers might decide to bloom.
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About the Author
Marcia Sirota MD FRCP(C) is a board-certified psychiatrist who does not ascribe to any one theoretical school. Rather, she has integrated her education and life experiences into a unique approach to the practice of psychotherapy. She considers herself a realist with a healthy measure of optimism. Sign up here for her free monthly wellness newsletter. Listen here to her latest podcast. mariasirotamd.com
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Wow!
Marcia, you hit the nail right on the head with this article. This is what I tell friends/family who suggest I try online dating. When I tell them I have but all the guys just seem to want be –e-pals–they are surprised. I finally just gave up on it but thank goodness, I’m okay being “alone”.
?
Doctor, you could not be more wrong.
For example based on experience, eHarmony, OKCupid, and many other well-advertised ‘matchmaking’ Internet sites are a scam. Based on my experience, their ‘matchmaking’ is based on random chance. In my experience, most of those ‘matchmaking’ Internet sites accomplish little more than raise expectations while providing nothing of substance.
In my experience, the only exception: AscendingHearts.
Based on my experience, the AscendingHearts group of Internet sites offer the only ‘matchmaking’ on the Internet. Other ‘matchmaking’ sites mated me with marxists and drug users, coffee addicts and boozers, televisionprogramming addicts, and yes, Internet addicts.
In my experience, ‘Internet dating’ has no real-world transferable skills. To meet a mate, you have better odds lurking in the produce aisle at the grocery store.