The Story of “SQUIDDY” and It Ain’t Pretty
by The Psychic Twins, Terry and Linda Jamison
Paul is a self-proclaimed psychic octopus at the Sea Life Aquarium in Germany, with a knack for predicting World Cup winners. This slimy cephalopod picks the winners of the matches by climbing into one of two glass boxes in his tank-one has a German flag, the other has a flag of the opponent. The first box he lands in is the winner. Paul correctly predicted each of Germany’s games in the World Cup this year, bringing his record to 6-0. And at the European championships in 2008, Paul correctly picked 80% of Germany’s matches, missing only the Germans’ loss to Spain in the final.
The two of us ran a background check on this mollusk medium, and boy! Were we shocked! Turns out this low-life bottom feeder was an octo-bookie running a numbers racket in Vegas. He has a prior felony conviction for illegal sports betting and spent three years in the slammer. After that he really hit the squids and lived for a few years on Squid Row. Paul isn’t even his real name! It’s Wolfgang.
Well, the point is, do we have real competition here? Seriously. He has eight appendages-so do we-that’s no big deal (four legs and four arms). If he comes after us, we can match him arm-for-tentacle. He has no track record of world predictions aside from the World Cup. (When it comes to prophecy, you could say we have a leg up on him.) He has a face for radio. Okay, he makes his own ink, but we use Vision Elite pens with “Super Ink” that won’t leak…even in outer space. He has an 80% accuracy rate for World Cup predictions over the last year or so. Our accuracy rate is way better than that, with over twenty years in the business. He got more hits on youtube, but we were on Tyra. Twice. Snap.
And now there are threats on his life! Will Paul the Psychic Octopus get traded and become a gazillionaire on endorsements from Nike (just do it 8 times) and sushi restaurants?
(UPDATE! We correctly predicted that Spain would win the 2010 World Cup, and so did Paul. Spain beat the Netherlands in a brutal match to win its first World Cup 1-0 in overtime.) Wait—News flash! Paul has retired. Really? After a few sports hits? Hmmm… something seems fishy to us. Now, we’re thinking he should endorse Chicken of the Sea tuna! Did The Psychic Octopus get a big head, clam up, or just get cold feet from all the pressure to keep up his stellar track record? He’ll probably move to Hollywood and end up in celebrity rehab with Lindsay Lohan. Ah, show business…)
