How to Deal With a Narcissist
Are you in a relationship with someone who is a narcissist? What are the best ways to deal with a narcissist?
Dealing With a Narcissist
As a psychiatrist, I strongly believe that it is important to know about the narcissistic personality so you can have realistic expectations when dealing with coworkers, friends, or family members who may have some of these qualities.
In “Emotional Freedom” I describe how to recognize a narcissist. Here are some ways: Their motto is “Me first!” Everything’s all about them. They have a grandiose sense of self-importance and entitlement, crave admiration and attention. A legend in their own mind, the world is reflected in their image. They’ll corner you at a party, recount their life saga. Some narcissists are unlikable, flagrant egotists. Others can be charming, intelligent, caring–that is, until their guru-status is threatened. When you stop stroking their ego or beg to disagree, they can turn on you and become punishing. Once you catch onto this pattern, a narcissist seems about as charming as a banana peel.
These people are so dangerous because they lack empathy, have a limited capacity for unconditional love. Sadly, their hearts either haven’t developed or have been shut down due to early psychic trauma, such as being raised by narcissistic parents, a crippling handicap both emotionally and spiritually. (The damage of narcissistic parenting is outstandingly detailed in Alice Miller’s Drama of the Gifted Child). Hard as it may be to comprehend, these people have little insight into their actions, nor do they regret them. Though often highly intuitive, they mainly use intuition for self-interest and manipulation.’ As the Hassidic proverb cautions, “There is no room for God in him that is full of himself.”
To find out if you’re dealing with a narcissist, ask yourself the following questions from “Emotional Freedom.”
QUIZ: AM I IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A NARCISSIST?
* Does the person act as if life revolves around him?
* Do I have to compliment him to get his attention or approval?
* Does he constantly steer the conversation back to himself?
* Does he downplay my feelings or interests?
* If I disagree, does he become cold or withholding?
If you answer “yes” to one or two questions, it’s likely you’re dealing with a narcissist. Responding “yes” to three or more questions suggests that a narcissist is violating your emotional freedom.
Narcissists are hard nuts to crack. With these patients, the best I can do is align with their positive aspects and focus on behaviors that they agree aren’t working. Still, even if one wants to change, progress is limited, with meager gains. My professional advice: Don’t fall in love with a narcissist or entertain illusions they’re capable of the give and take necessary for intimacy. In such relationships, you’ll always be emotionally alone to some degree. If you have a withholding narcissist spouse, beware of trying to win the nurturing you never got from your parents; it’s not going to happen. Also, don’t expect to have your sensitivity honored. These people sour love with all the hoops you must jump through to please them. If a narcissist is draining you emotionally, use these methods to get your power back.
* Lower Your Expectations and Strategize Your Needs
* Keep your expectations realistic.
* Enjoy their good qualities, but understand they’re emotionally limited, even if they’re sophisticated in other ways. Accepting this, you won’t continue asking something of friends, family, or coworkers they can’t give. Consider this definition of insanity: when you repeat the same actions but expect a different response.
* Never make your self-worth dependent on them.
* Don’t get caught in the trap of always trying to please a narcissist. Also, protect your sensitivity. Refrain from confiding your deepest feelings to someone who won’t cherish them.
* Show how something will be to their benefit.
To successfully communicate with narcissists, frame things this way. Stating your needs clearly rarely works, nor does getting angry, or demanding. Alternatively, speak to what means something to them. Instead of saying to your spouse, “I’d really enjoy going to a family dinner,” reframe it as, “Everyone really likes you. They’d be delighted to have you there.” Or instead of saying to your employer, “I’d prefer to work fewer nights,” say, “I can bring in more revenue for your company during these hours.” Naturally, it’s better not to have to contend with the tedious ego-stroking of a narcissist. But if the relationship is unavoidable, use this technique to achieve your desired outcome.
About the Author
Dr. Orloff is a best-selling author, a psychiatrist, an empath, and is on the UCLA Psychiatric Clinical Faculty. She synthesizes the pearls of traditional medicine with cutting edge knowledge of intuition, energy, and spirituality. Dr. Orloff also specializes in treating empaths and highly sensitive people in her private practice. drjudithorloff.com
Very nice article and very true, many thanks judith
Any additional advice when they are your father and want to control every bit of your life including what type of career you pursue?
The only advice I can give as a third party is to seek a therapist/counselor to help you and give you tips. Therapy is great for a victim of a narcissistic relationship. Sending you good vibes and positive energy [and I sound like a hippie 😉 ]
i think this is when you have to be the bravest you have ever been and know in your own heart this is your life. and you’ll have to understand you’re gonna piss that person off tremendously but its not your fault they are mad, they are mad because they can no longer control. and as a non narc person, its hard to not feel like you had some sort of hand in their emotion. also as a non narc, you have to realize there is nothing you can do to make them happy either
I wished I saw this many months ago, I almost maried one, I am mentaly broken, feel like I’m 100 years old and worthless… it was always his way or no way. I lost our child I was left dealing with depression and he was over facebook doing quizzes about what’s your colour, laughing, I would cry we would laugh at my face. And when I asked for help on my knees cause I couldn’t take anymore the pain and needed professional help, he turned his back and went to sleep….Now I’m trying to pick up my pieces….
psychiatry is such a BS degree. Maybe children should be taught, growing up, understanding, respect, which means to not judge people for who they are.
The people you are trying to describe are those people that want attention all the time, take selfies and don’t want to talk with you, ever. Those people are in there own little world.
The people you are thinking of are people who are unloved or never been loved. They need love more than anyone. They could cry on the spot. They are timid empaths.
Narcissists are full of themselves, fake, creepers. Which would you want, to be used, use someone, or just respect yourself without experiencing love because you’ve only been hurt.
Please don’t grow up to be a child and judge people that lack love. These people need to be taught how to love. They are tired of wringing themselves dry and can’t afford one more tear drop from their eye.
Love is what evolves us, it is what creates and expands our universe. If we judge people, instead of loving them, we are neglecting that sphere of consciousness of the world.
Smiles don’t do it. Go up to someone who isn’t smiling and give them a hug or pat on the back. Say, “you are an incredible person, capable of anything you put your mind to”. These people we are trying to label, can barely put their mind to anything because they are so withdrawn, left out, and saddened by what society, at least these days, has to offer.
The world today is dense, harsh, rude, f’d up. This is why I have turned to yoga and I’ve always been content with solitude.
These people are very misunderstood, but all they need is someone caring and understanding in their lives.
Comparing, judging … turn to —> love, peace, understanding.
It would be interesting to know if there is a single person in this world that ever sees a grown man and thinks, gosh, he or she seems sad inside. i wonder if that person has ever experienced a real connection and love with someone. let go. lose ourselves in order to find ourselves. let’s not categorize, write prescriptions. let’s go to nature, embrace our individuality, and become one with each other. we are in this together.
they say love is a battlefield. but i’ve been to the battlefield, and i’ve never had love in my life.
parents are often times narcissistic. they fail to see their kids growing up in a harsh environment with a horrible step dad. when you understand, you look at all perspectives.
I’m talking about hugs and love here, not horniness and sex. Guys can be more sensitive than girls, probably because empaths are conscious of getting hurt and fear that.
The more we understand fear and get rid of it, the more we will understand ourselves.
Hum, dealing with a narcissist seems easy compared to dealing with someone with a borderline personality disorder combined with narcissitic traits. You know: the people who really can be vulnerable, introspective and empathetic at times and then, all of a sudden, not any more. How to deal with them? I would really like to read your stance on them.