Character Development
By Mary Cook, MA. R.A.S
When we are arrogant, hostile, jealous, judgmental, over-controlling or self-righteous, we are not experiencing happiness or positive self-esteem. We are demonstrating that the only way we know how to gain a grander view of ourselves, is by standing on top of those whom we deem inferior. We are not aware that it is our character, and how we conduct ourselves with others, that determines personal fulfillment. Healthy self-esteem arises from identifying and developing internal strengths and working through and releasing defenses and defects that interfere with them. There is no external competition or comparison involved in genuine esteem. Healthy self-valuing is not narcissism, but rather a realistic appreciation of self, that excludes judgements of inferiority or superiority. Someone who has high self-esteem is not responsible for robbing us of our share. In fact, they can be an example that inspires and motivates us toward deeper internal healing and maturation. Judging others to promote personal grandiosity only increases inner negativity, and impedes us from developing true character strength.
When we sacrifice health, morals, personal responsibilities, safety or self-respect, or allow someone else to control us and our life, we are not acting in a lovable, loyal, or saintly manner. We are under a false impression that by depriving ourselves, we allow others to have more of what they need, and their gratification or appreciation will eventually benefit us. We do not understand that refusing to accept healthy responsibility for ourselves, means that we have nothing of value to give or receive in a relationship. Passive dependent and codependent interactions sabotage our ability to create a whole, deep identity that attracts genuine valuing and loving responses. Our true worth with others comes from exploring and re-working our character by transforming vices into virtues and shortcomings into strengths.
When we abuse, fight, intimidate, provoke, rebel, steal or test others’ boundaries, we are not enjoying a fulfilling life. We mistakenly think that blaming others prevents us from being blamed or accepting blame. And yet, the more we harm others, the more toxic we become to ourselves. The need to blame signifies that we are remaining in the problem, rather than identifying a healthy response that allows us to activate a solution, or steps toward a solution. Battling for power focuses all of our energies on conflict and limitations. When our behavior harms society, we invite more struggles and restrictions. Negative aggressions usually indicate that we were harmed in similar ways earlier in life. Whether we are the abuser or the abused, we are perpetuating dynamics that reinforce anger and fear. Acknowledging our part in creating or reinforcing problems, allows us to change behavior, learn and mature. This is our only hope for a fulfilling life.
