My Stolen Moment, My Miracle to Share
A week later, I went back. I was shaking from head to toe. I was told that the transabdominal ultrasound would not show a whole lot. That we still would need to do a transvaginal U/S to reach a conclusion. To their surprise at 6 weeks and 4 days, there it was! No sooner the transducer had touched my belly there it was, a beautiful sound. The most beautiful sound I ever heard. My baby had made it!!!!! I heard the heartbeat for the first time.
I went home and I shared the news with my husband and the rest of my family and closest friends. That was one tough week, one of the longest waits I have ever had to endure. Yet not the longest after all.
At 16 weeks it was time for my amniocentesis. I debated about it. I thought of not doing it at first. Then I decided that even though it would not change the outcome of my pregnancy, I still wanted to know, should there be a risk of any sort to my precious baby. I wanted the doctors to have the most information about my baby in case they needed to provide any special care immediately after birth. I still strongly believe that it was the right decision. Having had the ‘amnio”, little did I know, was really what changed everything.
At 18 weeks another bomb…the results shown to be abnormal. The baby, now I knew it was a girl, was missing 17% of her “X” chromosomes. So instead of having 46XX she had 45X, which meant she would have a strand of Turner’s syndrome. This is the type of Syndrome and type of scenario in which you cannot determine its severity until the baby is born for its blood is the only answer to its genetic composition. It’s also called “mosaicism” in the fashion in which the cells align to form the strands. Interestingly, that was the best way to describe how my heart felt, “broken in millions of tiny pieces.” I officially owned a “mosaic heart.”
I was referred to the Genetic Counseling Department. The day before my appointment, I went crazy. I had 24 hours to think this through. I lost my mind, I lost my faith, I was paralyzed with fear. I feared for my little tiny girl and for my family, emotionally, financially and spiritually. Did I have the right to inflict any more pain in anyone?
I hated myself, my body, I hated God. It was the biggest revelation I have ever experienced. I had had so much faith in life in general, because there were no major challenges. But there it was, the real truth about me: when my life simply was no longer “uneventful”, I discovered where my faith was not.
