Failure IS an Option

by Deborah King

There are a lot of people feeling like failures these days. Are you? Maybe you have a business that went south in this economy, or your house is in foreclosure, or you just can’t find a job. Maybe your kid is in trouble and you feel like a failure as a parent. Or you’re going through a divorce and feel like you’ve failed in your marriage. There are so many circumstances in life that can make your self-esteem plummet. Yet failure is simply a matter of perception. From a spiritual perspective, failure has nothing to do with inadequacy. In fact, I personally never use the word “failure.”

Many of the situations that we think of as failures are simply opportunities for more personal growth. Challenges, not obstacles. We are all faced with challenges on a regular basis. As an author, healer, and teacher, I’ve certainly had my share of opportunities pass me by, doors that didn’t open, golden rings I didn’t catch while on the merry-go-round of life. But each time one door closed, I’d see it as an incredible chance to find new doors to open. If I don’t get what I want, I know I have to look for chances to improve, advance, or follow a better path that I might not have seen if I hadn’t “failed.”

We make a lot of assumptions that control our happiness and our outlook on the world. We think we have to “win” whenever we’re competing for something – whether it’s the top spot on American Idol, a better job, or the hot guy or gal we’ve been eyeing. But, in reality, we don’t know what would happen if we “won.” Maybe the Idol loser wound up with a better record deal and more publicity than the winner; maybe the better job was with a company that soon went bankrupt; maybe that hot guy is abusive. If we don’t know the full story, the reasons for someone’s actions, the real background of someone’s apparent success, we cannot judge ourselves or others and assign a grade of success or failure to our experience.

So how do you live with and learn from what is perceived as failure?

The first step is to be thankful for the failure. It teaches the deeper values of life: humility, patience, tolerance, balance, wisdom, and acceptance. When you let it work its magic, failure makes you stronger, smarter, and more successful in the long run. When you fight it, failure can crush your spirit and your dreams. I have often told my clients and students, “You may feel inadequate because you tried so hard and it fell apart (it doesn’t matter what the “it” is), but that’s because you’re not surrendering to the larger plan.” We all meet roadblocks on the way to finding and fulfilling our life purpose.

Next, don’t get caught in the dualistic perceptions of the society we live in: good and evil, right and wrong, black and white, beautiful and ugly, success and failure. Nothing is that clear cut. A failure can be success in disguise and vice versa; it all depends on the context and the situation.

For example, back in the days when I was a young lawyer, I prepared like crazy for my first time speaking in front of an appellate court. When it got time to stand and deliver, I totally froze. I looked out the window, completely silent for minutes in front of the judges and a full galley of spectators. As you can well imagine, I didn’t feel like a huge success. But that experience prodded me to learn and practice the art of public speaking, which has helped immensely in my post-attorney career. I had experienced the worst and there was nowhere to go but up.

Another way to deal with feeling like a failure is to focus on your successes. For example, one of my friends is fluent in languages and can pick up a new one in a matter of months. Another friend is the complete opposite—they all sound like Greek to him—but he doesn’t consider himself a failure. He focuses on the abilities he does have, not the ones he doesn’t. When you compare yourself to others, you can feel “less than” them. So don’t compare yourself to anyone but yourself.

In the end, life isn’t about success or failure, but about learning, exploring, and growing. Follow your path and accept yourself for who you are as a unique individual. Appreciate who you are. Your bank account may be in the red, you may be picked last for the team, you may be without a partner, but you can still hold your head up high knowing you have an open heart and the ability to make other people feel comfortable and loved. Sounds like a winner to me!

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