Grounding and Time-Out

By Kathy Custren

While with another parent recently, we chatted about methods used when children have behaviors that we consider problematic, difficult, ignorant, or just plain old disrespectful.

I relayed that the forms of corporal punishment were very evident when I was growing up. One adult neighbor across the street used a “cat o’nine tails” to give her children a lashing when they misbehaved. Any young person under the roof was fair game. If behavior was unruly or things got out of hand, everybody involved got a taste of the tails at least one time. Often, just the threat of getting the item out was enough to turn a bunch of little imps back into angels once again.

Teachers, secular and religious alike, regularly had yardsticks, rulers, or pointers at hand in school to mete out punishment, while at home the smacking force of hands on the backside was used as a form of correction. In addition to the physical, there was also the “dunce” cap or chair in the corner of the room, where–let’s face it–the “stupid” kids would be sent. Their ‘stupidity’ could range from forgetfulness on a lesson, to getting caught attempting some infraction. Aside from the segregation and labeling, many did not see this as being as effective as when they were serious with the hitting. Some kids even used the time to take a nap! All of these, whether done once or repeatedly, were utilized in an effort to stop the offense by enforcing physical pain or presence in the here and now, and bring the offender to remember the proper or respectful way to be.

To remember the proper or respectful way to be: That sounds a lot like “right-mindfulness and right-action” to me; two important Buddhist tenets.

Because of the inhumane or extreme way some corporal punishment was delivered, the method changed. The one used most by parents and educators alike is called the “time-out.” The time-out is useful with children both young and old. Young ones realize they will take a break from participating in a fun activity for a period of time unless they figure out the right way to be. Older children can be sent to their room for quiet time to contemplate what they did wrong or how they might make amends.

That is how the time-out is “supposed” to work. However, not many parents are aware themselves of the process; nor will they actively work with their child (ren) in a therapeutic way to get them to see the wrongness in their action or the pain or suffering their behavior causes. The time-out, in effect, only reinforces part of the problem by telling the child their action is wrong. It does not help the young person to realize “why” the action is incorrect or “how” they might correct it. Parents often do not clearly define behavioral expectations other than to say words like “be good” or “behave.” What, exactly, does that mean to a toddler–what is their point of reference? Consider the different meanings those words may have to a teenager–especially one that is likely to lose control.

In addition, these days there are a lot of distractions in a child’s room that keep them from going within, as one might during an internal thought practice. I know parents who use the time-out regularly, only to find out the child has a cell phone or some other electronic device that keeps any attempt at internal assessment from taking place.

Consider the things that people do to achieve a meditative state. Many utilize the outdoors, and can even find Mother Nature’s bounty distracting at times. Zen practitioners utilize the minimal approach, and may constantly refine or pare-down their space until a proper working balance is achieved. People who do yoga or who are into alternative therapies find benefit from a clear space in which to be, which encourages a relaxing experience. These states of mind are not often achievable with the frequency of a television set on in the room.

When things get very much out of hand to the point where a regular time-out is not reasonable, a longer-term punishment called “grounding” is implemented. This is done usually when the parent decides the child’s behavior or wrong-action requires lengthier focus of correction. The end result is expected to bring the child back into some sort of center balance; again, with the end goal being a reinforcement of what good behavior can be.

The way this correction is often achieved is to remove one or more of the child’s preferred activities. Similar to the way a child who is suspended from school may not be able to participate in after-school activities, the grounding at home could mean the lack of television privileges, internet time, favorite hobby or game, etc. As with the shorter-version time out, there may not be a lot of counseling given during the “grounding” period to really obtain a significant change in behavior. It is used more as an extended, cooling-off period, or to distance the person from the behavior incident. Children may even see this along the lines of an egoic power struggle between what they want and their parents’ limits.

The most prevalent meaning of grounding to many is what they do with an electrical current, but even this may be applicable here. When you consider that a young person’s energies, actions, or thoughts may as wild or out of control as a loose wire that is ungrounded, the concept of grounding sounds rather appropriate.

To give a fuller picture of the meaning of the word “ground,” there is a connection method used in some native, earth-based, or new-age beliefs where celebrants are asked to “ground and center” themselves as part of what they do. This grounding and centering means to be in full communion with both the earth and the heavens. We realize this occurs in a meditative state, or when we are in touch with our chakras–where our whole physical system is as one with the rest of creation, or our spirit hums along with the rest of the universe. We are in harmony, in sync, in balance, grounded and centered in our being to do whatever work or intention we have to do.

Compare this idea to the method used to “ground” a young person whose behavior is extreme or out of control. If they are not shown or directed to the proper way to behave, then they are not encouraged to find this place of balance within themselves. The young person does not equate the right operation of their mind with the actions they do, they may not know how to achieve a sense of balance. All they do feel is the frustration when the rest of the world is pushing them out of balance in their actions and behaviors. It can add to frustration and anxiety, and does little for their self-control. This can be true at any age.

As you can see, there can be a lot to the subject of parenting and punishment. We have gone from a time when generations used corporal ways to elicit better behavior, to what might be called a more humane way to treat and support young people. Not everyone agrees that this is the way to go, however. There are still many parents who resort to what they were taught and continue to address the behaviors of their children with violence.

We may think that we do not want to treat our children as chattel or slaves, and how wrong whipping them into submission is, compared to enlightening their own minds to self-control to do the right thing.

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The parenting heart tells us that the mind is where the focus needs to be.