Why Do They Get a Bad Rap?

by Steve Sisgold

“Heaven forbid we “feel”

Former Miss USA Tara Conner was on Oprah recently to talk about her struggle with drug addiction.

(for the full article and multimedia experience, click here:  OM-Times June 2010 Edition)

The most prominent theme was about how feelings can be overwhelming and lead to addiction as a way to numb out and not feel uncomfortable emotions….”Heaven forbid we feel” was mentioned twice.

Tara turned to drinking, drugs and cutting herself at age 14, as a way to cope from her parents’ divorce and granddad’s death. She explained how the pressure and anxiety from these events were too much for her to cope with.

Tara’s statement, “Heaven forbid we feel”, is prevalent in our society, though not blatant.  It shows up in subtle everyday ways like when we tell our children not to cry, that whatever just happened that made them cry isn’t a big deal and “Let’s get happy now!”.  We have good intentions demonstrated through wrong means. It is through our own discomfort with expressing our sad feelings that we pass on this trait to our children and future generations.

In my work with clients, I have come to see the connection between addictive behaviors and ways to escape from our painful feelings. Both are repetitive behaviors used to avoid feeling unresolved pain stored in the body. From gambling and substance abuse, to compulsive spending, thinking and talking, to chronic anger, depression or lateness-all of these behavioral dynamics have hidden pay-offs. For example, some people use chronic anger or depression to avoid intimacy or to control relationships. Bottom line, they enable the “user” to avoid feeling difficult feelings. The root addiction underlying all addiction is the compulsive avoidance of feeling-an uncontrollable needs to escape the consciousness of fear and pain.

Having and expressing feelings has gotten a bad rap in our fast-paced, mind-oriented culture. Who has time to feel or hear about how another person feels?

Misleading information about feelings comes in many forms-some more benign than others-leading to a general alienation from the body. It can be our TV telling us to take a pill or eat anytime we have a feeling of insecurity…ah-hhh, honey, you feel upset, let’s go out for an ice cream cone!  Sound familiar??  The motto: LET’S DO ANYTHING BUT FEEL. HEAVEN FORBIDS WE SHOULD FEEL.