Recovering from Sorrow, Loss and Heartache
by Ronald Alexander, PhD
Sometimes, when we are recovering from sorrow, loss or heartache we feel the need to push aside our grief lest it overwhelms us with its intensity. This is understandable, but the longer you avoid your pain and attempt to push it away, the more difficult it will be to break out of the paralysis. Just as birds are drawn to bread crumbs on the ground, the pain will keep returning after you shoo it away.
Buddhism teaches that as you sit with your pain and grief, simply noticing it as if you were sitting on a riverbank watching these heavy feelings float downstream, you’ll discover how to live, learn, and heal through it.
One helpful tool from my book, Wise Mind, Open Mind for transitioning through sorrow is to envision yourself going through the experiences of someone else who has been in a similar situation and was successful at putting the pain and heartbreak behind him. Cinematherapy and bibliotherapy can be useful tools for vicariously experiencing the suffering and triumph of someone else and developing the courage to begin your own similar journey. In these forms of therapy or self-therapy, you watch a movie or read a book that touches upon the themes in your own life, and allow yourself to experience any emotions, thoughts, or sensations that come up in response to what you’re viewing or reading. Afterward, you ponder the parallels between what happened on-screen or on the page and what’s happening in your own life.
Years ago, I attended a ten day mindfulness retreat to help me overcome the feelings of despair I was experiencing after a traumatic breakup. At my lowest emotional point, I experienced a series of endless thoughts that the best way to end the pain might be to quietly go off into the desert like a sick or wounded animal and die. It seemed that everyone else in the meditation hall was in bliss, but here I was, an esteemed and highly trained clinician and student of mindfulness, wrestling with such dark, bleak, and lonely thinking. It was then that the following healing meditation came to me.
Broken-Heart Recovery Meditation
Relax and gently sit on your meditation cushion or in a sturdy, straight-back chair (if you have back pain, lie down on a solid floor), and begin to notice your inhalation and your exhalation. As your breath brings more and more comfort to you, and you can notice that your lungs are supporting your brain with more and more oxygen, settle deeply into that space of mindful relaxation and exploration. Go now to your heart and feel the pain, emptiness, or sadness. Breathe deeply and bring mindful awareness to the suffering within your heart.
