2012: One Small Step For the Mayan Calendar

by Swami Beyondananda (aka Steve Bhaerman)

Swami’s State of the Universe 2012

2012: One Small Step For the Mayan Calendar… A Quantum Leap Year For Humankind

I just got back from hyperspace, so forgive me if I’m a bit hyper-spacey!

I am clear about one thing, though, and that’s the state of the Universe. The Universe – God bless it – is in tip-top shape, especially considering its age. We should all look this good when we’re 13 billion going on 14 billion.

Once again, the Universe remains ever-changing, same as always, purring in perfection. You’d think that at that age, the Universe would be slowing down, but no — it’s still expanding. I predict it won’t be long before they have to let the photon belt out another notch.

Meanwhile, Back Here on Earth…

Meanwhile, back here on earth, the human comedy has been renewed for yet another season. Maybe 2012 will be the year a critical mass of the heretofore-uncritical masses wake up and hear the laugh track.

That’s right, the laugh track. In these serious times when there’s definitely something funny going on, laughter is key. You laugh, and I say, “Fabulous. You’re off to a good start.”

2011 Was a Funny Year…

Last year’s laugh track should have you on track for even more laughs this year, because 2011 was a funny year – although maybe not ha-ha funny.

For one thing, the Rapture didn’t happen last May as predicted, thank God. Sure, those who hoped to live happily ever rapture were a little disappointed, but hey – it’s not the end of the world, right?

Then another funny thing happened. We found the bank bailout cost us $7.7 trillion, but as an optimystic, I have found an upside to the downside. Good thing the dollar isn’t worth much these days, otherwise that would have REALLY been a disaster.

In other economic news in 2011, for the fourth straight year the Moody’s Investor Report indicated that investors are moody and getting moodier. Fortunately, we’ve been gearing up for an election year, a great opportunity for folks to vent their frustration. Maybe after enough out-venting, we’ll have the clarity to invent for a change, but meanwhile …

The Golden Rule or the Rule of Gold

In the wake of the first slew of Republican debates filled with detestimonials and insinuendoes, one blogger compared the spectacle to professional wrestling. Boy, you should have seen all the angry letters he got. Guess he didn’t realize how many pro wrestling fans are out there. Then there was the Republican debate in South Carolina, where the audience actually booed the Golden Rule. If anyone doubts the Republicans’ Southern strategy has paid off, here is irrefutable proof that the party of Lincoln has gone south.

And to those who say there’s no difference between the two parties, I must differ. The Republicans bend over backwards to service the banksters and special interests. The Democrats are exactly the opposite. They bend over forward.

Yes, America has been divided into two rival tribes, the red tribe Republicans and the blue tribe Democrats, who spend way too much energy arguing about whether it’s worse to kill the born, or the unborn – instead of working together to improve the world the yet-to-be-born are born into.

I know, I know. I am proposing a sane world. I must be crazy, right?

Which is why we the people must build our own sane asylum, and commit ourselves to living there. How?

I knew I was going to ask that question.

No More Red or Blue States, It’s Time for the Purple People

We must gather red tribe and blue tribe together in sacred circles, to talk until they are purple in the face – so we the people can gather around the heart-core values we have in common. If we stand together as One Purple People, we the peeps will overcome the perps, and the sociopathogens plaguing the body politic will be rendered harmless.

And peeps, the perps have another purpose. They remind us that all peeps have a little perp inside them, and when peeps get a peep at their own true purpose, there is no need to perp.

So, how do we turn the funk into function, and leave the junk at the junction? Read on.

Occupy the Heart & Create Heartland Security

A bright spot appeared on the horizon in 2011, thanks to the Occupy Wall Street movement, which reminded us that Wall Street has been occupying Main Street for generations. While middle-class Americans were preoccupied with family values, gold collar criminals with Soprano Family values like Bernie Madoff made off with large chunks of the commonwealth. No wonder there’s disheartenment in the heartland!

The Occupy movement broke this issue through the soundless barrier, and Americans from across the political spectrum have been waking up left and right. In 2011, leaders from both awakening wings – Sen. Bernie Sanders on the left, Rep. Ron Paul on the right – called for auditing the Fed. Others in the Occupy movement have gone even further, suggested auditing the overfed, but that’s another story.

One thing is for sure. As the upwising picks up esteem in 2012, there will be plenty of residoodoo to metabolize. Which is why, as things come to a head it becomes more important than ever that they come to a heart as well.

Healing Our Lives: The Heart of the Matter

Because when it comes to healing our lives – or the world – the heart of the matter is the matter of the heart. The heartless minds that value money over all else have tried to convince us that their inhuman nature is our human nature. I say if we want the Golden Rule to overrule the rule of gold, we have to embody the heart core values of truth, beauty and goodness.

Instead of buying into the fear-based Homeland Security, we must invest in Heartland Security – because our true security is in the land of the heart. In the head, we have beliefs that separate us, and what people believe – believe me – is unbelievable. That’s why we must leave the static of the head for the ecstatic of the heart. The more we expand our hearts, the less we will need to shrink our heads.

It’s great that the Occupy movement has begun to re-hearten a disheartened heartland. But before we become preoccupied with the usual head-trips, we must occupy our own hearts. And the best way to do this – seriously – is with heart-opening laughter.

Swami’s Four-Fold Path to Cosmic Comic Consciousness

As we begin this quantum leap year, I know many of you reading this would love to uplift humanity. That would be a quantum leap indeed, so let me recommend the first small step to uplifting humankind. Ready? Begin by uplifting your own face. Allow the levitational pull to uplift the corners of your mouth in a smile, and you will trick yourself into believing you are happy. This is called Cosmic Comic Consciousness, and yes – it is contagious.

Instead of buying into the notion that happiness is something we need to pursue out there, let’s laugh at the cosmic joke: Happiness has been right here all along, patiently waiting for us. Ha-ha-ha.

Now of course, simply being happy is far too simple, isn’t it? So for those who still feel the need to “do” something to be happy, I have devised a simple four-step program – that should, simply by simple arithmetic – work three times faster than those 12-step programs. Ready? Here it is:

Step One. Wake Up Laughing. As we wise up to the gravity, we must rise up with the levity. Not only does levity help us rise above whatever has been bringing us down, it shows us a higher perspective. When we wake up laughing, there is an awakening. In the wake of the ha-ha, there’s an “aha.” And after the aha, there’s an “aaaahhhhhh …” and just like that, hearty laughter lifts us out of our head, and puts us squarely in the heart.

Step Two. Wise Up Loving. As the Wisest Guys have been telling us for millennia, we are all one with the same One, and the purpose of life is thrival for all. Love is the currency in the new eco-logical economy because the more we spend, the more we have! And having it is simple. All we have to do is open our blinds, and let it in.

Here is the inescapable truth: Love has us surrounded. We might as well surrender.

That’s right — give up the fight, and surrender to Love. Listen, if Love is good enough for Jesus, Buddha and Beatles, it’s good enough for me!

Step Three. Grow Up Giving. If we want to overgrow the current dysfunction at the junction, WE – each of us, and all of us – must grow upward, evolving from children of God to adults of Good. Now while few of us have actually seen God, we have all seen Good. Goodness gracious, goodness is good! For millennia, children of God have been waiting for a messiah to fix this fixer-upper of a world. And now adults of Good have realized the messiah is a do-it-yourself job, and the party of life is strictly BYOB … Be Your Own Buddha.

Step Four. Show Up Living. As the gospel of FUNdamentalism (accent on FUN) teaches, we are not here to earn God’s love – we’re here to spend it! And how you spend it depends on what you love to do. Make a “bucket list” of all the undertakings you wish to undertake before being overtaken by the undertaker. Then start doing them. They say an unexamined life is not worth living, but it’s even truer that an unlived life is not worth examining. So … turn off your TV and tell a vision instead. The evolution will not be televised. It’s happening out here, and it’s even more real than reality TV … it’s called REALITY!

Finally, as I bring this address to a close, I call on you to improve the state of your corner of the Universe and take a vow of levity. I am serious. We humans will never find our center of gravity until we find our center of levity. So, all those who wish to take a vow of levity – PLEASE RISE.

Repeat after me. “All for fun … and fun for all!”

And may we laugh, laugh, laugh till the sacred cows come home.

Swami Beyondananda is the cosmic comic alter ego of writer, humorist, performer and uncommontator Steve Bhaerman. The Swami, whose favorite yoga pose is tongue-in-cheek, is the spokesperson for a new non-religion, FUNdamentalism (accent on “fun”). Says the Swami, “We are strictly non-dominational.” Both Swami and Steve can be found online at http://www.wakeuplaughing.com. Interested in booking Swami for a personal appearance? Contact his office at (707) 888-7260.

Also check out Steve’s Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/groups/85764662269