How to get Beyond the Pain of a Lost Relationship

By Pamela Astarte

We all have our days when things simply do not seem to be going our way. People seem to cut us off, we seem to feel less than, no one seems to be listening, those days when you wonder: “Is there anyone out there that actually cares?”

Where and when does this happen for you?

For me it happens when people do not honor agreements, when people say they will meet at a certain time, or call and they do not and this happens over and over again…

It also happens when I feel that the other person is not listening or if they are, they don’t really seem to care about what I’m saying.

It also happens if I’m not feeling well and feel extremely vulnerable and any little comment may be misinterpreted.

Sometimes these feelings can be based on a false belief that the other is there to take care of you but sometimes it is simply about a true situation that must be felt and dealt with, ie this relationship is no longer good for you and you must set clean and clear boundaries and/or possibly end it.

We all meet for a reason, we come together, we are attracted to one another, or we are put in the same space, ie roommates, bosses, team mates, etc… All are excellent opportunities for growth and reflection and sometimes terrible pain.

I was in a 14 year relationship with a man I considered to be my soulmate and he simply left one day, pretty much without saying good-bye. This led to the end of our home, our land, my community, my animals were given away, my children moved away, etc.. Then my mother died a month after this happened. It was the proverbial rug being pulled out from under me. Everything I thought I could count on, that identified who I was, where I lived, where I believed I was going, was all torn away. To this day I have never found out what he needed or why this happened. I suffered tremendous loss and pain and through this pain came several spiritual awakenings and I became a healer.

However, the pain at the time was real and it must be felt and dealt with. We are all, at some point or another, going to lose the people, places, animals, communities we love. How do we cope?

Here are some suggestions, feel free to add your own:

• By being REAL – do not pretend it is nothing and go on as if nothing happened, if you are hurting, feel that pain, go into it, scream cry, throw pillows, dig in the dirt, keen, howl, whatever feels helpful
• Don’t take it Personally- often your mate, boy/girlfriend is being challenged and simply cannot be with you for their own reasons- it’s not about you!
• Don’t Blame- This doesn’t do anyone any good whatsoever and will eventually come back to you
• Don’t get Bitter- Bitterness is a poison that can only kill you eventually, it makes you small and tight
• Do What you Love- do you love gardening, dancing, going for long walks, nature hikes, horse-back riding, go for it! This is a great time to train for that marathon or take up meditation or yoga
• Share your Story- This is what friends are for- don’t push them away if they are coming forward, invite them in, if they are true friends they will know this too shall pass and stay by you
• Know That This Too Shall Pass- Time is an amazing healing salve- it cannot heal all wounds, but it can make the memories less caustic
• Be Gentle with Yourself- Know that you are tender and fragile, take good care of yourself, treat yourself, go to spas, get a massage, go on a trip
• Find Others- get support, don’t isolate forever, you may need to for a while but do yourself a favor and re-join the human race as soon as you feel able
• Know that you are Loved- there are powers in the Universe (one song) that hold you, are with you and can bring you great comfort, go to those places that bring you peace; a waterfall, an ancient redwood grove, a cathedral
• Create your New Life- who have you always wanted to be? Explore, Dive in, Create your new Self!

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I hope these few suggestions have helped, if you want to work on your personal pain, I am always available for private sessions, contact me through my website at www.pamelaastarte.com or by e-mail pastarte@pacbell.net.