Respecting Yourself: Are You Saying Yes, Because of Fear?
By Ann Christine Johnson
Respect is a gift that you give to yourself and others, or withhold. When you lack self-respect you make yourself a prime target for others to attack. And when you have self-respect, those around you will begin to respect you too. Unfortunately, many of us get in the habit of playing the ‘nice’ game – of being ‘nice’ and agreeable with everyone; of saying what we think others want to hear rather than saying what we really think. This ‘niceness’ is mainly driven by emotional fears: fear of rejection; fear of abandonment; fear of conflict or confrontation; fear of criticism; fear of being alone or fear of anger; and a desire to protect ourselves and others from these painful experiences at any cost.
Often we go along with things that don’t really suit us in friendships. We agree to do things that we don’t really want to do. We keep quiet to avoid conflict or to get other people to like us. We go along with things to keep the peace or we make excuses for why we can’t change the way we handle things. The more we identify with being ‘nice’, instead of being real; the more we find ourselves plagued by nagging doubts, insecurities and lingering fears, and the more we erode our self-esteem.
The essential thing for you to grasp here is that it is possible to be gracious without being ‘nice’ – to be pleasant and still respect yourself. Just because other people seem to like you, just because you may appear to have plenty of friends, does not necessarily mean that others respect you. It could mean that it’s easy for others to be around you, because they know you have trouble setting boundaries. The price for being liked in these circumstances is that you do considerable psychological damage to yourself.
No-one deserves to be abused. No-one deserves to be lied to or betrayed. Remove yourself from situations where you feel unwelcome, uncomfortable, belittled or afraid as swiftly and discretely as you can. Although you might find this difficult to do at first, understand that learning to respect yourself is vital. You need to step away and to stay away permanently from anyone who continually abuses you, no matter what efforts you make to create peace between you. By leaving the ‘bully’ to his or her own devices, you are showing yourself the respect that you rightly deserve.
It’s worth remembering that it takes two people making an effort for a relationship to be peaceful. It takes two people willing to negotiate and work at the relationship for the relationship to be successful. Unless the other person is willing to play their part in creating a harmonious relationship between you, all efforts on your part will be insufficient for the relationship to be resolved. You can’t change anything in your life that you aren’t willing to acknowledge and own. Unless you can acknowledge and own you part in what has happened in your relationships, you will never be able to change the relationship patterns that harm you. Don’t allow the way you have been treated in the past to fill you will rage, hatred or resentment. Spend some time working on letting go of any memories you may have of being mistreated in the past; spend some time working on letting go of the feelings associated with those events; and from now on treat yourself with the respect we all deserve by choosing to only be in those situations and relationships in which you are treated well.
Looking for my helpful ways to help you create a new life for yourself? Read ‘Creating A New Life For Yourself: A Practical Guide To Personal and Spiritual Development.’
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Ann C. Johnson, Assoc MAPS is a Psychologist who works in private practice in Carrum Downs, Victoria, Australia. Ann provides counseling services to adolescents, adults and couples with an emphasis on personal and spiritual growth. In the past 7 years Ann has published 3 books on personal and spiritual development. www.facebook.com/annchristine1948@bigpond.com
