Navigating the Murky Waters of Grief
What can I say?
What should you say to someone who is grieving? Winter isn’t crazy about “I’m sorry,” especially if you weren’t close to the person and situation. If you knew the person who died, you can express your own sense of loss. But try not to project your feelings onto the grieving person.
Be honest and sincere. It’s fine to admit “I don’t know what to say,” or simply, “My heart goes out to you.”
Communicate that you’re willing to be a support system, if this is the case. Acknowledge, listen and then suggest resources if it seems appropriate.
According to Winter, we need to learn how to listen without trying to fix the problem or share our own stories. Rather than waiting for our turn to talk, we should listen beyond the words of a grieving person for the underlying emotions.
Why do many of us lack this skill? Winter suggests that it stems from our anxiety around death, illness and disability. If we have not befriended these parts of ourselves, it’s difficult to have a genuine connection with another human being. To truly listen to others, we must first learn to listen to ourselves.
Driving us sane
Often, grief holds hidden treasures. Winter shares an example of the life-changing epiphany by a woman whose child had a disability. The mother had long suffered under the belief that her daughter was driving her insane, but came to realize that the process of raising her daughter was actually “driving her sane,” in the sense that she was becoming a more compassionate and evolved person.
