To Forgive or Not to Forgive?
We hear a lot about the notion of forgiveness lately. We’re supposed to forgive those who trespass against us, thereby finding inner peace and healing, but I have a different take on forgiveness. To me, it’s a potentially dangerous notion that can cause more problems than peace.
When I think about all the very bad people in the world: the abusers, exploiters, despots and dictators, I can’t imagine forgiving any of them. Does this leave me angry, tormented and bitter, yearning for vengeance and forever holding a grudge? Not at all.
I see a real distinction between forgiveness and letting go. While I could never forgive the evil-doers in the world, I’m confident in my ability to deal with any hurt, anger or fear they might have caused me or those I care about. My heart remains open and loving, and I’m able to process and let go of any painful emotions these hurtful people might elicit in me.
I imagine that the people who promote forgiveness understand that staying angry at those who hurt us will keep us forever attached to them and therefore doomed to keep suffering. What they don’t see is that we can detach completely from the hurtful people in our lives without having to forgive them.
The proponents of forgiveness believe that everyone is fundamentally good and that their bad deeds come out of a sense of spiritual confusion. Forgiveness is recognition of their inherent goodness and supposedly a transformational energy which will lead them to redemption.
I disagree with this, believing that bad people do exist and these individuals have no capacity for redemption and no conscience, remorse or ability to care. These are the perpetrators of the worst affronts to humanity and are the least deserving of forgiveness, in my mind.
People misunderstand the concept of forgiveness, mistaking it for tolerance toward bad behavior or enabling, even. Some mothers forgive their husbands for beating their children and perpetuate the abuse.
Forgiveness becomes dangerous when it’s seen as the only way to deal with having been hurt or offended. Many people can’t bring themselves to forgive another person for the hurt they’ve caused, and many offences are unforgivable.
If someone has to force themselves to forgive in order to meet someone else’s expectations, they’ll be more tormented than if they’d held onto their hurt. A better solution would be to learn how to let go.
Letting go isn’t that hard to do and it enables us to fully separate from whoever or whatever caused us harm. It can be done through grieving (involving a few good crying spells) or through exercises designed to help us release our pent-up emotions.
We can let go through drawing, writing, movement, even psychodrama. We can pound on a bunch of pillows and shout or perform a ritual for letting go. All of these exercises will enable us to free ourselves of any emotions associated with the hurtful person(s) and event(s).
Forgiveness has become the gold standard for dealing with wrong-doing, but that doesn’t mean it’s the right way to go. As I said, there are some things that we simply can’t bring ourselves to forgive.
Letting go is always possible and always appropriate and as a bonus, it has nothing to do with depriving the perpetrators of the consequences of their actions.
According to the philosophy of ruthless compassion, allowing people to experience the consequences of their actions gives them the opportunity to learn from their mistakes and to make better choices in the future. Depriving them of these consequences encourages them to repeat the hurtful behaviors.
We can let go of our hurt and anger while at the same time allowing for the appropriate consequences for wrongdoing. These are not at all incompatible, but we should know that punishing a wrongdoer for their actions isn’t what will bring us peace. Peace comes from letting go, not from watching the other person being punished.
So, when is it appropriate to forgive, if at all? I see it as conditional on the other person. If what they’ve done isn’t so terrible as to be unforgivable, then we might feel comfortable forgiving them under the following circumstances:
1: The person understands that they’ve done wrong and is remorseful;
2: they acknowledge what they’ve done and apologize sincerely for it;
3: they make appropriate amends and
4: they promise never to do it again and follow through with their promise.
If all of these criteria are met and we feel so inclined, we might then choose to forgive the other person. This doesn’t mean, though, that we should continue to have a relationship with them or that we can ever fully trust them again.
Forgiveness isn’t compulsory; it’s voluntary: a gift we choose to give to the other person. It’s recognition that we no longer hold anger toward them and that we recognize them as a basically good person who made a bad choice.
When we forgive, we’ve decided to put the problem behind us. At this point we can either go our separate ways or resume our relationship without holding on to any bad feelings. Forgiveness is the first step in an amicable separation or in a full reconciliation. It doesn’t follow, however, that we should forget what happened.
The act of forgiveness shouldn’t make it as though the bad deed never took place. Instead, it’s a way of giving the other person a chance to redeem themselves over time by demonstrating that they deserve our forgiveness.
All of this isn’t necessary, however. As I said above, forgiveness isn’t always desirable or appropriate. It should never be forced on anyone, as this would only worsen their pain. What is always helpful is to let go of our hurts and free ourselves of bitterness and rage.
When we carry around indignation, resentment or the desire for vengeance, we continue to be poisoned by the past. Letting go is the ideal solution. With or without forgiveness, we can walk away from the hurtful persons or events and carry on with our lives with no residue from the past clinging to us.
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About the Author
Dr. Marcia Sirota is a Toronto-based board certified psychiatrist specializing in the treatment of trauma and addiction, as well as founder of the Ruthless Compassion Institute, whose mandate is to promote the philosophy of Ruthless Compassion and in so doing, improve the lives of people, everywhere.
TY TY TY For being the one to finally say this- SPOT ON!
🙂 Marcia Sirota is a pretty awesome writer.
Hmmm After reading your very well thought out point of view I must conclude that you have a black and white mentality. You, like most people, see things as black and white. Adolf Hitler was a horrible creature correct? But how many stories of triumph and perseverance came from his ignorance? Which would you rather have a bunch of roses or a pile of shit?
No matter what you answered for your choice roses need fertilizer to grow. What I am saying is that there is no such thing as good or bad. All that there ever was and shall be is ignorance of our true nature. Overcoming that ignorance is called enlightenment. Without bad there would be no way for you to objectively identify what good is. Everything would be the same 100% of the time no ups no downs. You must experience what I call negative circumstances in order to truly perceive the perfection behind the scenes. Can you name even 1 hero that did not have to overcome some sort of “bad”; guy, thing, or event? Good would not and could not exist without bad. Accomplishment would be meaningless if you never had to work for it.
The true meaning of “forgiving” is simply understanding that the universe twas perfect before you were born and will continue to be perfect after you are gone. Forgiving means understanding that no matter what your opinion on a subject the world keeps spinning because opinions are just opinions they have no effect on weather or not creation shall continue. Forgiving means balance in your heart and mind, it’s a way that we can glimpse our souls.
tying my previous thought into Christianity….. Adam and Eve ate the fruit from the tree of the wisdom of good and evil. Because they became aware of things being perceivably less then perfect, or “evil” they were cast from eden, cast out from the presence of god (which is where we are now :p ) Had we never began to think of things as good and evil guess where we would still be… Shangri la, heaven, eden, sky mountain, nirvana, whatever your particular word for it may be the only reason we are not dwelling in said place is because we mistakenly identify things as good and bad. Balance is key. Perfection lies in front of you, but it’s up to you to forgive yourself that you cannot yet see it, and I must do the same.
I found my brother murdered 14 years ago. It took me 8 years to turn all my anger, hate, bitterness & resentment over to God. I told God that He knew me better than I know myself and that I was not capable of forgiveness. However, I told Him that I had faith that He would take care of these murderers since the court system has failed to do so! It is a process that lifted a lot of weight of my shoulders, but it was a process…something many people that have gone through losing a loved one to murder have not been able to do. My thought was that if I didn’t do something then they would wind up murdering me mentally & possibly physically. Just to say “let it go” is hard when it comes to murder and is totally different! I have let go, let God but it still doesn’t mean I don’t want them to suffer here & sit behind bars or to be executed but I had to find a way to move forward in order to show love and compassion to my fellow brother’s & sister’s and to help them through times of of pain, grief and sorrow.
I want to add one more side to this. After our Take Back the Night March tonight, I was told that the pictures of the event taken by a guy who got verbally and emotionally abusive with me several years ago were posted on a women’s page we all follow in this town. I was severely triggered by that and went into shock curled up in a ball and hiding under a blanket for most of the night. There are some things the body does not let us forget and that we have very little control over….I thought I was going to have to check myself into the hospital the reaction was so severe.