Do You Have a Personal Rescuing Barometer?
By Luis Angel Diaz
The foundation of healthy relationships is connection, and connection can only occur when these 4 key values are present:
- Trust
- Honesty
- Respect
- Equality
If we focus on trying to find or instil these qualities in the other person in our relationship, we will never create connection, because we are seeing them as the “problem” and thus as being outside and separate from ourselves. The ultimate answer to ANY question you might have about improving your personal relationships is “Do YOUR inner work.”
In other words, when we work on our relationships solely with the goal of connection in our minds and hearts, and build trust, honesty, respect and equality in our relationship withourselves first and foremost, then we will see major shifts in how our interpersonal relationships manifest in our lives.
If we are playing the role of either the rescuer OR the rescued in our relationships (and sometimes we dance backwards and forwards between the two, even within one relationship), then we are creating inequality, and thus disconnection. The ways we “rescued” or wait to “be rescued” are very subtle, and here I present 2 sets of exercises we can use to “test” how much we play these roles in our current relationships.
Personal Rescuing Barometer Test
Rescue Test 1: Doing for others
Step 1: First, ask yourself the following 3 questions and write your answers down in a notebook or journal. Take your time and really allow the answers to come honestly.
- What do I do for others that they can do for themselves?
- What do I allow others to do for me that I can do for myself?
- Where in my life do I expect others to do things for me?
Instructions 2: After you have written your answers, read the comments below to give you insight into where you are playing the rescuer or the rescued in your relationships:
Comments:
- When I habitually do things for others that they can do for themselves, I am playing the role of the rescuer.
- When I habitually allow others to to do things for me that I could do for myself, I am playing the role of the rescued.
- When I expect others to do things for me in my life, I am wishing to be rescued.
- The ultimate result of this kind of rescuing, whether you are the rescued or the rescuer is resentment. Resentment creates more disconnection.
Rescue Test 2: Expressing Thoughts and Feelings
- Where in my life do I not express my true thoughts and feelings to others?
- Where in my life do others seem not express their truths to me?
- Where in my life do I expect or require others not share their thoughts and feelings with me?
Comments:
- When I do not express my true thoughts and feelings, it can be because I am avoiding making others feel angry, upset, disappointed, insecure, etc. When this happens, I am playing the role of the rescuer because I “rescue” others from the experience of hearing my truth.
- When others do not freely express their truths to me, it can be because they are trying to protect me from experiencing their truth. When this happens, I am playing the role of the rescued, because others sense that I do not feel strong enough to handle the truth.
- When I do not allow others to express their truth, I am wishing to be rescued from experiencing their truth.
- If there is not truth, there cannot be trust. The ultimate result of this kind of rescuing is mistrust, which brings more disconnection.
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