Setting Boundaries in Your Relationships
It is very important to set boundaries in your relationships.
Boundaries and Relationships
By Ann Christine Johnson
Most of us find it difficult to set boundaries. Often this is because we have been conditioned to be ‘nice’ – instead of being truthful; to not ‘rock the boat’ for fear of the consequences; to put up with things for the sake of peace and social decorum; to get along with others at any cost – usually at a cost to ourselves. When we can stop being so shocked by others aggression or disrespect that we are able to respond to their behavior in ways that respects us; when we are able to regain our equilibrium quickly after being set off balance by others unexpected and unwarranted attack on us; when we are able to tell people that they are acting in ways that are unacceptable, offensive or hurtful to us, we will then be able to set boundaries much more easily and succinctly than before.
It is your right to be able to speak your ‘truth’ when you feel you need to but before you can do this you need to work out what your truth is in any given situation. Often this can be a difficult thing to do, because much of the time most of us walk around being ‘unconscious’ – unaware of what our true feelings, opinions and core beliefs really are, because defense mechanisms such as denial have become a habit, and social conditioning often prevents us from saying what we really want to say. When you become able to discern what your truth is – what feels or sits ‘right’ with you – and then convey this clearly and consistently to others, you will then be able to live a life that honors you.
Do not permit people to take advantage of you and win their point by temper tantrums, personal insults, intimidation or crying fits. Pinpoint situations in your daily life that have the potential to hurt you. Even if you recognize that the abusive behavior towards you comes from an emotional wound within the other person, the moment you realize you are being mistreated the most important thing for you to do is to set a boundary on such behavior. Afterward, you may go to counseling to find ways to change the relationship patterns that have become hurtful to you; to understand the role and part you play in what is occurring, but it is a grave mistake to wait until you are healed before putting a boundary on such behavior. Undergoing counseling may be quite confronting. It may be emotionally painful and exhausting, but the rewards for doing this will be worth it. The more whole, healed and at peace you are, the easier it will become for you to set boundaries when you need to.
When you do start setting boundaries on what you are willing to accept from others, some of the people around you may become angry and defensive. They may cling desperately to their old ways of behaving and be resistant to the changes that you are attempting to instigate. When this happens, see if you can observe what other people are doing, without comment. Realize that most of the time others are ignorant of how their behaviors affecting you. If you are really serious about wanting to respect and protect yourself, then you need to learn to ignore other people’s defensive behavior and to set boundaries when required. If you find that the boundaries you are setting with certain individuals are being ignored, no matter how clearly or consistently you set them, then you might need to renegotiate or terminate those associations in order to keep your self-esteem intact.
You will also enjoy The Truth About Passive-Aggressive Behavior and The Art of Creating Space
About the Author
Ann C. Johnson Assoc MAPS: Psychologist has worked in the helping professions for the past 33 years. In the past 7 years, she has published 3 books on personal and spiritual development. She continues to write articles on her favorite subjects on a regular basis.
Ann can also be found on https://www.facebook.com/annjohnson1948
