How Do We Let Go?
We all encounter dependencies in our lives that we know we need to let go of, but find doing so to be difficult.
The Power to Let go
By Mary Cook, M.A., R.A.S.
Even when we know something’s harming us and it will only get worse, it can still be a struggle to give it up, to just let go of it. What is the process of letting go and why are certain things so hard to give up? Believing that we need a person, place or thing in order to survive, tolerate ourselves or our lives, or in order to be happy or have meaning can create dependency. Sometimes these needs begin when we are at our most vulnerable period.
Take the example of a boy who suffers repeated physical abuse from an early age and as a teenager discovers heroin. Not only does it magically remove all pain, but he feels transformed to a state of bliss, comfort and complete fulfillment. In a family that’s unable to bond or show affection or interest, a child is able to adopt a pet dog. The dog allows her to feel more love than she’d ever dreamed of. Consider a boy who’s been a social outcast all his life, then begins a career as a drug dealer. Suddenly he has a surge of power, worth, and popularity. The youngest sibling in a family of bullies who is teased for being a baby feels adult and mature when smoking cigarettes. A girl who feels unloved at home and a failure at school discovers that boys want to be with her when she offers them sex.
Like these examples, our attachment to something can start as a protection from pain that we don’t know how to manage on our own. We may not realize we’re dependent until threatened with the loss of our attachment. Then we may not want to get out of bed, we may have panic attacks, cry uncontrollably, become aggressive or willing to go against our values and morals to hold on to what we feel we need.
Even when we’re not in a vulnerable wounded place, we may try something and enjoy how it feels whether smoking, shopping, eating sweets or beginning a new friendship. If the associations we attribute to these things are powerful or numerous, a dependency can develop. Eating sweets can be associated with reward, pleasure or giving to oneself. A new friend can be associated with greater comfort and acceptance of oneself. Shopping can be linked to lifting spirits. Cigarettes can be a companion when talking on the phone and driving, for easing stress or fortifying oneself before a meeting, and as an additional pleasure after sex.
Whenever we empower someone or something outside ourselves to bring us positive feelings and we have limited knowledge of how to do this for ourselves, we can build dependencies that undermine self-esteem. The more we invest in the outside for positive feelings, the less we invest in and believe in ourselves. In these circumstances, when we lose what we feel we need, it seems as if we are losing ourselves. Fear, anxiety, anger, and depression are typical emotional reactions to deciding to let go.
If our dependencies become excessive and create significant problems, it will be important to examine all dynamics underlying the dependency. This includes pain, yearnings, positive and negative associations, identity and self-esteem. This process can involve finding support to heal pain and grieve. We can discover what we wish to have more of and less of in ourselves and our lives and how to do that. We fully realize any negative elements and begin empowering ourselves through recognizing the positive within us. We explore who we are with greater depth and clarity and make new associations that have healthier consequences.
The goals of the heroin addict who survived child abuse are to heal pain and create a broad support system of people who understand and have nurturing qualities. He needs to learn to set boundaries against any future abuse and develop greater compassion and appreciation for himself. He must discover natural, healthy means to mental and physical pleasures and identify and abstain from all destructive endeavors. He will process feelings about the hurtful elements of his life and grieve what’s been lost. The use of spiritual principles will help him maintain his highest core values and avoid unhealthy patterns so as to preserve positive self-esteem and nurture continuing growth.
The goals are similar for the diabetic whose sweet tooth endangers her health, the compulsive shopper who’s in severe debt, the smoker who wants to breathe easier and live longer, the child whose dog died cutting off her only source of love, and the woman who feels empty and degraded because her only value comes from sex. All human beings long to feel good, whole, valued and safe. We need guidance to manage pain, process feelings and recover. When we understand ourselves fully and deeply, we can recognize our strengths and improve our weaknesses. We can choose to interact with others in ways that don’t diminish them or us. We need to realize that the only things we have that can’t be taken away are within us. Thus it is our responsibility learn to let go so as to take the healthiest care of ourselves, enjoying, learning, growing and letting go throughout our life.
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About the Author
Mary Cook is the author of “Grace Lost and Found: From Addictions and Compulsions to Satisfaction and Serenity”, available from Amazon.com, etc. Mary has 36 years of clinical practice and 29 years of university teaching experience. She is available for telephone and office counseling, guided meditation, and speaking engagements. WWW.MARYCOOKMA.COM Her Facebook page is: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Mary-Cook/166903606690909
This is a great article! Also as fantastic as the book “Codependent No More”.
life is hard sometimes. we must do what we must do to be happy. no harm, no fowl, jus joy..
I appreciated the article as it may help parents / family who cannot figure out why Junior or Sis sought out addictive patterns. Where else do you post?
I have a few of these addictions, loss of value in myself, gambling, smoking… well written article that has soothed my soul and guide me to an inner knowing that I can be healed.