The Four Steps to Forgiveness

If they are a habitual criminal, unrepentant abuser or in denial of wrongdoing we can forgive them, but decide to have no more to do with them. In fact that decision makes it easier to forgive, as we no longer need to hold ourselves back from forgiving them out of fear.

How then can we forgive? What do we do? How do we go about it?

It is easier to do something if we are clear about what it is we are actually doing. What do we do when we forgive? When we forgive we are letting go of the desire to punish. It is as simple and profound as that. Holding on to the desire to punish is painful – often more painful than the original hurt. We hold on to pain to remind us to “not let that happen again” – as if pain were some kind of fridge magnet. When we forgive the pain goes away.

Forgiveness is different to reconciliation as that means that we are reestablishing or maintaining a relationship.  Forgiveness and reconciliation often go together, but not always. It is the assumption that they must go together that often blocks us from forgiving. The fear of being further abused or harmed will block us if we feel we must reconcile with someone who hurt us and is likely to do so again. What sane person wants to get back into a situation where they are very likely to get hurt again? That is foolishness not forgiveness. Once we realize that we do not have to reconcile with them, or that we can engage in tough forgiveness if we do want to reconcile but want to protect ourselves, then we have much more room to maneuver and can more freely forgive.

See Also

The Peaceful Path through Chronic Pain

In order to forgive we need a technique or method, which allows us to do so. Yet, this method needs to respect the legitimate needs of the parts of us that may not want to forgive – at least not yet – and helps them get onboard too. Here is one way to do it.