Coping with Criticism
by Ann Christine Johnson
The vast majority think that through criticism one can shame someone into being different. But this rarely works. Most people don’t respond well to criticism. In fact, they usually become defensive and resistant.
Dealing with criticism can be tricky. Whether you’re on the giving or receiving end, you’ll need to choose your words carefully. Criticism can leave us feeling exposed and deeply hurt. It can demolish our self-esteem. It can leave us feeling unloved and full of self-doubt. Criticism can also act as a valuable tool for personal growth. There’s nothing wrong with legitimate criticism or input in a relationship provided the criticism is intended to improve the relationship; however constructive criticism often gives way to fault-finding, accusations and nasty name calling.
Don’t automatically take another person’s criticism of you as fact. Try to think of criticism as feedback you can either accept or reject. Try not to react to criticism with aggression – which is what most of us are inclined to do; not to start justifying yourself. Instead, look for the ‘pearl’ within the criticism – the truth, partial truth, insight or piece of information that will allow you to make adjustments in your life so things work well for you. Try to see criticism simply as an opportunity for you to learn to handle things ‘differently’ from how you perhaps handled them before.
You cannot control others’ reactions to you or how they feel about you; but you can control how you react to others and how you feel about yourself. You can choose to respond to other’s behaviour in ways that will allow you to keep your and their self-esteem and dignity intact. The next time you are on the receiving end of criticism count to ten and breathe deeply. Then see if you can step back a bit from what is happening and view the scenario with detachment and distance; not get defensive and not start justifying why you did what you did – a trap that is easy to fall into. Avoid using words such as ‘always’ and ‘never’; stay calm and friendly throughout the encounter; listen, really listen to what the other person is saying to you without interrupting them; put a stop to personal attacks, insults and labels; focus on the specific issue (s) or facts at hand and not on personality traits; clarify any points that you are unsure about.
Once the other person has had their say you can thank them for raising the issue with you. You can then ask them what it is that they would like from you and then you can tell them whether that’s acceptable to you. If it’s not acceptable, you can offer them an alternative. Although it will take time and effort on your part to master this process, the benefit is that you will minimize further conflict between you and the other party. Once the encounter is over give yourself a pat on the back for handling their criticism as calmly as you could.
It is a curious thing that most of us tend to view conflict, disputes and criticism as something to be feared or avoided at any cost. Yet all these processes are necessary parts of life. They can provide us with the opportunity to learn to be assertive; the opportunity to grow and to be emotionally intelligent and mature; the opportunity to have open, dynamic relationships with others in ways which would otherwise not be possible.
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About the Author
Ann C. Johnson Assoc MAPS: General Psychologist has worked in the helping professions for the past 30+ years. In the past few years she has published 3 books on personal and spiritual development. Inspired by post she reads on Facebook she continues to write pertinent articles on a regular basis.
Ann can also be found on https://www.facebook.com/annjohnson1948
