How to Discover True Self-Love

by Louix Dor Dempriey

Q: Recently, my romantic relationship ended. While mourning the loss of my partner, I was crying most days and I felt quite open and grounded. However, now I am finding it extremely difficult to concentrate because my mind is constantly distracted by finding someone to love me. How do I get through this?

A: Initially, when a relationship ends, it is natural to mourn the loss of your loved one—you cry and withdraw, and then you feel “clear, open, and grounded” because crying helps to heal your attachments and feelings of loss. Crying is a very healthy discharge and transmuter of emotions. Then what happens is your mind kicks in, and your neediness, attachment, and co-dependency comes up, and you try to find someone to replace the love that you feel you have “lost.”

Most people believe: “If somebody falls in love with me, then I will be happy.” However, the truth is: That can never happen because you started from a state of unhappiness and, overtly or inadvertently, you placed a responsibility on someone else (to make you happy), which that person could never fulfill. Nobody has the power to make you happy. Nobody has the power to fulfill you. It is your job to find your own happiness and to develop true self-love.

The journey through life—the journey to God-realization— is the journey into self-love.

There are plenty of people with whom you can “share” love: friends, family, co-workers, lovers, paramours, best friends… and there are all kinds of ways in which you can share love. Being “in love” with someone certainly can help you feel more self-love, but that is different than expecting someone to fulfill that role. As long as you focus on the fact that it is your journey and rite of passage to find love for yourself, then you could have relationships that would help forward that, but not when you are seeking to find happiness and fulfillment via a relationship. You never will.

So, how do you get through this? When you take back the responsibility to love yourself, rather than relying on another to fulfill that role. Then you are in a more proactive role and you will be able to find happiness in more situations and in more relationships than you ever did before. You will find love walking in nature, tending the garden, or playing with a pet… When love becomes you, you will find it everywhere and in everything.