How to Say No to Bad Behavior
Lately, my patient Lisa has been disappointed with her boyfriend Dennis, whom she describes as usually very supportive. Something happened that put Dennis and his family into clearer perspective.
Dennis has an older sister, Marjorie. All of Dennis’ family and friends recognize that Marjorie has an abrasive personality and can be rude and nasty at times. Unfortunately, everyone lets Marjorie get away with her bad behavior.
Marjorie had been extremely rude to Lisa on a number of occasions when Lisa and Dennis first started going out. Lisa had politely made it clear to Marjorie that she wouldn’t tolerate this type of bad behavior and since then, Marjorie has mostly ignored her.
The other weekend, Lisa, Dennis and Marjorie were all going to visit Dennis’ parents who live several miles outside of Toronto. They’d arranged for a rental car, but there was a miscommunication between Dennis and Marjorie which resulted in them meeting about 20 minutes later than planned.
In the meantime, Marjorie had gotten herself all worked up. There had also been some problems with the car keys, which she’d eventually resolved. By the time Lisa and Dennis met her, Marjorie was furious. They all got in the car and Marjorie proceeded to yell at Dennis for the next 30 minutes about how terrible he was for keeping her waiting.
Lisa, who usually avoids confrontation, didn’t know what to do. She was horrified by Marjorie’s behavior but equally upset over how Dennis was just sitting there and taking it. She tried to stop it by saying to Marjorie, “Are you OK?” but Marjorie simply responded, “No, I’m really upset!” and resumed yelling at Dennis.
After this incident, Lisa realized that what she would have liked to have done was to get out of the car (they hadn’t started moving yet) and let Marjorie know that she wouldn’t drive with her if she continued yelling.
Later, she discussed the incident with Dennis who minimized Marjorie’s abusiveness, saying that she was only talking a bit loudly. Lisa recalled previous similar episodes and realized that Dennis has been enabling Marjorie for years, which has only encouraged her to continue treating him badly.
Lisa realized that she was no longer comfortable riding in a car with Marjorie and had told Dennis that on future visits, she’d prefer it if Marjorie drove up in a separate vehicle.
Dennis couldn’t understand why she’d want to do this. He said to Lisa, “I don’t see what good could come of this.” He also was adamant that their parents shouldn’t know what was going on.
In our session, Lisa and I discussed how Dennis seemed to have an attitude of helplessness regarding Marjorie, assuming that he had no other option but to tolerate her rudeness.
We also discussed how he was protecting Marjorie from the consequences of her bad behavior. Lisa felt frustrated because he chose to do this, but hadn’t protected either himself or Lisa from Marjorie’s abuse.
We talked about how Dennis had told Lisa, “You’re the only one with a problem,” which was hurtful to her. Dennis appeared to be implying that she was overreacting to Marjorie’s outburst.
Lisa and I discussed how her reaction was in fact, quite normal, and that Dennis was the one with the problem, being willing to sit there and take the abuse.
Lisa expressed sadness that her usually supportive boyfriend couldn’t be there for her this time, because he’s too caught up in a dysfunctional dynamic with his sister. She felt forced to take a stand with Marjorie because Dennis wouldn’t or couldn’t.
We discussed Dennis’ passivity with regard to Marjorie and how he doesn’t realize two things: one, that just because they’re family members, he’s not obliged to tolerate her abuse; and two, what a big favor he’d be doing if he were to call her on her bad behavior.
We discussed how experiencing some appropriate consequences for her abusiveness might encourage Marjorie to improve her bad behavior, and how this would benefit her socially as well as protecting her friends and family from further abuse.
Lisa has more talking to do with Dennis but in the meantime, she feels validated that her reaction to Marjorie was neither excessive nor inappropriate.
Lisa has decided that she’ll stand her ground, hoping that Dennis will come to appreciate her position. After all, if Dennis were to face the truth about Marjorie’s bad behavior and finally stand up to her, it would benefit everyone.
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About the Author
Marcia Sirota MD FRCP(C) is a board-certified psychiatrist, that does not ascribe to any one theoretical school. Rather, she has integrated her education and life experiences into a unique approach to the practice of psychotherapy. She considers herself a realist with a healthy measure of optimism. Sign up here for her free monthly wellness newsletter. Listen here to her latest podcast. mariasirotamd.com
I would get out of the car and tell her she is rude. This man does not have boundaries, he should refuse to take her any place. That is what my friends do to me if I get upset.
Dennis likely grew up around verbally abusive people and feels as powerless to deal with them as he did as a child. He needs to grow up.
I have spent the majority of my life cowering to such abusive treatment from a sibling and have recently reached my limit. Although I agree with the premise of this article, i feel as though there was really no support for specific concepts of resolution towards confronting, discouraging or dealing with such volatility. I am fearful that if I cannot find some constructive ways to address this issue that I may have to estrange myself permanently.
I would have pulled over, called a taxi service on my cell phone to pick her up at the nearest safe location, driven her to that place, and told her to get out and wait until the taxi came to pick her up. Perhaps next time, she will learn to muzzle her mouth. The only way to deal with people like this is to put up specific boundaries. When I was in law school, my then boyfriend (now husband) would invariably show up late to pick me up for lunch when he knew I had a very brief hour to get something to eat. After missing lunch a couple of times because he showed up 30 minutes late since “he just couldn’t get off the phone with a client,” I decided I would wait five minutes for him to pick me up in the future. If he didn’t show up after the five minutes passed, then I would walk to my car, go pick up lunch and eat it alone and go back to class and leave him there waiting for me. After about three or four times of my not being there, he started picking me up on time. Problem solved.