Coping with Grief and Loss

By Ann Christine Johnson

Grief is a natural, normal response to loss, with its symptoms usually diminishing on their own over time. Under normal circumstances most people grieve – they can’t help but grieve. Alas, most of us live in a culture that doesn’t feel comfortable with grief and expects grief to last less time than often is possible. Grief and loss is something that everyone will experience at one time or another during their lifetime. The more significant the loss, the more distressing and lengthy the grief is likely to be.

Loss can be sudden, unexpected or horrific. It can be perceived as being outside the normal cycle of life – as in the death of a young child. Losses can be minor, major, concurrent or repetitive. When we experience a loss and don’t grieve over it, we continue to carry the loss within us. We store each loss until one day an insignificant event triggers the accumulated grief. It’s crucial to grieve your losses as they occur as accrued grief can have a detrimental effect on your mental and physical health.

Usually people get help to grieve their losses from family and compassionate friends, from their faith community, clergy or spiritual adviser. Eventually they manage to get over their loss very well. Some people, however, find the grieving process too overwhelming and need some professional help until they are able to cope better with their grief. Seeking help is not a weakness. It’s a sign that you want to heal and move on with your life.

Working through grief can be a really painful process. In attempt to avoid the feelings and sensations associated with grief, some people over function in the home or workplace; eat compulsively; use drugs or medication; to numb the pain of grief or to lift their mood artificial. Although these measures may temporarily assist in avoiding pain, in the bigger picture they will impeded the natural progression of the grieving process. They will extend the time between the loss experienced and the time that you’re able to move on from that loss and get back into life again.

Grief is a healthy response to bereavement. The initial effects of grief can be overwhelming and put you into a state of deep shock. You need to be patient with yourself at these times; and to grasp that it takes time to be able to adjust back to normal life. Each person experiences grief differently. You will need to be prepared for this. If the loss is that of a loved one; if you’ve experiences a significant change in your life which involves loss; you may find yourself crying a lot, especially in the early days of loss. This is a normal way to express grief, so cry as often and as freely as you need to, even if this makes those around you feel uncomfortable. You may find yourself unable to make simple decisions or to attend to your daily routine. You may experience waves of intense sadness, anger, guilt, relief, anxiety or any combination of these feelings. You may experience sleeping disturbance, nightmares, vivid dreams, distressing thoughts; periods of fatigue, confusion and lack of motivation; chest pains; sexual difficulties or a desire to withdraw from society. Taking care of yourself, seeking support and acknowledging your feelings, will help you to cope successfully with the grief you are experiencing.

No matter where the support comes from, accept it. Do not grieve alone. If your friends and family don’t know what they can do to help, you might need to tell them. You will need to be prepared to have some good days and some bad days, after you’ve experiences a significant loss. You may even hit rock bottom for awhile, feel you have nothing to live for and think about ways to end your own life so that you can release the intense pain you are feeling. Be assured that although many people feel this way, a sense of purpose and meaning usually does return in time. The intense pain of grief usually does diminish with time as you move through the grieving process and out to the other side.

Grief and remorse are common reactions to loss, to the things the griever did or failed to do before the loss. Relief is a less common reaction. It usually applies when a terminal illness or some form of abuse was in play before the loss. Anger can be one of the most confusing feelings for the grieving person. Anger is often a response to feeling powerless, frustrated or even abandoned. Anger may be directed at yourself, God, fate, the doctors or other professionals involved, or other family members; or in the case of death, at the deceased person for dying and leaving you alone. Anxiety, proceeding loss, can range from mild insecurity to full scale anxiety, hyper-sensitivity and panic attacks. It can be fleeting or persistent.

Often grievers become anxious about their ability to look after themselves; or they may become concerned about the wellbeing of other loved ones. Sadness is often triggered by reminders of the loss and its permanence. It often, but not necessarily, manifests in crying. Sadness may become quite intense and be experienced as a feeling of emptiness, misery or deep despair.

One of the key elements of healthy grieving involves allowing your feeling to surface so that you can sit with them until they disappear. Blocking the grief process will only block your eventual recovery from grief. You may wish to avoid painful feelings but for the process of healing to occur, and it will – if you give it half a chance; the pain of grief needs to be experienced and also expressed. Time and adequate support will facilitate the healing process, allowing you to appropriately mourn your loss. Trust in the grieving process. In time you will emerge from your grief and loss and be happy again.

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About the Author

Ann C. Johnson Assoc MAPS: General Psychologist has worked in the helping professions for the past 35 years. In the past 7 years she has published 3 books on personal and spiritual development. Inspired by post she reads on Facebook and events happening in her own life she continues to write articles on a regular basis.