Dangerous Liaisons
Do you keep finding yourself attracted to a liaison with someone you know isn’t good for you?
Dangerous Liaisons – The Lure of the Wild Woman and the Bad Boy
I hear a lot of complaints from men these days about how there are no nice women around. According to the men I’m talking to, they’re all nasty, selfish, crazy, needy. Instead of bemoaning the fact that the women they date are no good, these men really need to take some responsibility for the kinds of women they’ve been choosing.
The same goes for women. I keep hearing them tell me that the men out there are mean, self-centered, irresponsible, controlling, but again, they aren’t looking at the kind of men they keep pursuing.
The real problem today, aside from the fact that yes, there are some not-great people out there in the dating pool, is that both men and women are choosing the wrong kind of partners to have a liaison with.
We women seem to have this dangerous attraction to men who are rebels, rule-breakers, trouble-makers. We find the “bad-boy” types sexy and exciting. That is, until their impulsiveness, selfishness, and disregard for the law get us hurt or in trouble.
Men aren’t in much better shape. Ever since I was in University and my friend, let’s call him Bob, got involved with a beautiful but mentally unwell (and frequently delusional, in and out of the psychiatric hospital, prone to screaming arguments) girl, I’ve witnessed the phenomenon of male attraction to female instability; this pull toward the “wild woman” instead of the nice girl next door. Poor Bob, he kept taking the girl back and he was so miserable with her.
I was at a conference a few years ago and got to talking to a Brazilian psychoanalyst who told me that many men are turned on by hysteria in women. I didn’t quite understand his explanation for why this is, but I imagine that in part, it must have something to do with the expectation of these women being uninhibited and exciting in bed.
This may also be an important reason why women go for troublesome men. There’s an expectation of unbridled passion and being swept off their feet. I think they’ve read- and believed- too many romance novels, in which the rogue always turns out to have a heart of gold. In real life, he continues to be a nasty, selfish, mean-spirited rogue.
Sadly, this fantasy of mind-blowing sex isn’t likely to be fulfilled when we’re dealing with unstable individuals. The “bad boy” or “wild woman” might be uninhibited and impulsive, but these things don’t necessarily translate into more enjoyment the bedroom.
Emotionally troubled individuals tend to have a lot of hang-ups, including sexual ones. Their unpredictable, destructive behavior can extend to their sexuality, with nasty surprises awaiting those who risk intimacy with such people.
I think that in the case of both men and women who choose unstable, unpredictable partners, there’s also the wish of living vicariously through them. In the same way, as we enjoy watching people behaving in outrageous ways on TV and in the movies, it’s fun to live through the antics of someone in our lives today. Except when it’s not.
There are better ways to find excitement (hobbies, sports, creative pursuits, travel) than having to deal with the fall-out of our partner’s self-destructive or everyone-and-everything-else-destructive behavior.
Men and women today need to realize a few things about their attraction to a liaison with unstable and impulsive partners.
First of all, intensity in an individual is more likely a sign of trouble than of passion; excitement in the bedroom happens less when one person is angry or crazy and more when both people are highly compatible and keen on pleasing each other.
Second, “bad boys” and “wild women” are almost always more trouble than they’re worth. For whatever fun and excitement they may bring, this is always overshadowed by the trips to the emergency room after wrist-slashing or pill-overdosing episodes; the screaming fights and the utterly irresponsible behavior, including losing everything you lend them, spending all your money, getting you into trouble with the law and alienating you from your friends, family, teachers, and landlord.
Third, nice men and women aren’t necessarily boring or bad in bed. There are a lot of kind, caring and really fun people out there looking to meet someone equally nice, reasonable and responsible.
If those men and women who’ve been going after the damaged types were to turn, instead, to these healthy, stable individuals to have a liaison with, everyone would have a lot more fun and a whole lot less stress.
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About the Author
Marcia Sirota MD FRCP(C) is a board-certified psychiatrist, that does not ascribe to any one theoretical school. Rather, she has integrated her education and life experiences into a unique approach to the practice of psychotherapy. She considers herself a realist with a healthy measure of optimism. Sign up here for her free monthly wellness newsletter. Listen here to her latest podcast. mariasirotamd.com
