Finding Hope & Optimism in the Midst of Despair
I find that sometimes, people get caught up in negative emotions, negative expectations and negative self-talk. They get so caught up in this negativity that they start to lose all their hope and optimism about life. These people may have some reason for their negative thoughts and feelings: some of them suffered through childhood losses or trauma; some had painful or terrifying experiences as adults; some were repeatedly told, while they were growing up, that they were bad, worthless, stupid, useless, a failure. In the face of these terrible experiences, it’s not surprising that people can feel despondent. It gets worse, though, when we unconsciously adopt coping strategies to deal with the feelings we’re left with after the bad experiences. One of the worst coping strategies I’ve encountered is avoidance.
The person withdraws into themselves and doesn’t try things out of the fear of failure. Of course, by not engaging in life, the person ends up experiencing loss and failure: loss of opportunities, loss of hope, failure to make meaningful connections. Plus, the less we do, the less confidence we gain. The more we go out there and try things, the more chances we have to succeed and to disprove the negative messages about ourselves we’re hearing over and over in our heads.
Another consequence of a difficult life is severe self-criticism or self-doubt, which can happen when a person internalizes all the negative things they’ve been repeatedly told about themselves. This negativity within is reinforced by avoidance, in that when we don’t try, we can’t succeed, and the internal negativity can continue unabated.
Not trying to succeed in relationships, school, work, creativity, means that there’s never any real-life proof to contradict the negative self-talk. So, how does a person move past hopelessness, despair, even self-hatred? They need to do two things: First, see that all the negative self-talk isn’t really about them. Any failures they’ve had as an adult are much more likely related to their not having tried, rather than to their inadequacy or incompetence.
Instead of self-doubt, the person must see that whoever was so critical or undermining to them in the past didn’t have a clue about the truth of the person they were attacking with their words. If you were on the receiving end of these attacks, know that they were never about you, but really just reflected the unhappiness, anger and emotional disturbance of the person verbally attacking you. Second, it’s essential to break the pattern of avoidance. Nothing in life is going to change without concrete action steps in a positive direction.
Someone I know says, “if you don’t try, you don’t lose,” but that’s not true. If you don’t try, you’re guaranteed to lose, by default. You must get up and give things a try. Obviously, you start small and build up. Don’t sabotage yourself by biting off more than you can chew, but make an effort to engage in life and see how you are, indeed, bright, talented and personable. You are not all those things that people called you in the past. When you stop the negative self-talk, and you begin to take action toward making a better life for yourself, that’s when optimism can come back into your life and hope can once again fill your heart.
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About the Author
Marcia Sirota MD FRCP(C) is a board-certified psychiatrist, that does not ascribe to any one theoretical school. Rather, she has integrated her education and life experiences into a unique approach to the practice of psychotherapy. She considers herself a realist with a healthy measure of optimism. Sign up here for her free monthly wellness newsletter. Listen here to her latest podcast. mariasirotamd.com
