Learning to Trust Others by Trusting Yourself
Too many of us have a hard time trusting other people when it comes to our intimate relationships. Maybe it’s because we weren’t treated well as children, or perhaps, we’ve been hurt in love.
The good news is that even if one or both of these is true for us, we can still learn how to trust potential romantic partners. It all comes down to building our own self-trust.
The thing is, we all have the ability to see things for how they really are in a relationship and respond to them appropriately. It’s just that we don’t always pay attention or listen to our intuition. Sometimes, we’re in denial about what’s right in front of our eyes because we don’t want to see it. Often, we project scenarios from our past onto our present, confusing the person we’re interested in with a hurtful parent or former lover. If we want to be able to trust others, we need first, to have confidence in our own ability to take care of ourselves.
This means that we open our eyes and see the other person for who they really are, not superimposing past relationships onto them or denying current troublesome behavior on their part. We need to face the truth about the other person and how their actions affect us; we need to practice communicating our needs & feelings so that we become more confident in our ability to be assertive & to engage in constructive confrontation; we must listen to our inner wisdom & not talk ourselves out of what we know, just because we don’t want it to be so. We have to stop engaging in magical thinking, or the act of believing that something is the case because we want it to be so.
Finally, we need to test the people we’re considering becoming intimate with. Not in a manipulative or sneaky way but by observing whether their behavior over time demonstrates that they’re reliable, responsible, reasonable, consistent & kind. We can test whether they are honest, considerate, understanding and decent, & whether their intentions toward us are sincere. All of these things are important for us to know, and we’re entitled to discover whether they apply to the person we’re interested in.
When we let go of magical thinking, trust our “gut sense,” face the truth about the people in our lives, take positive action toward improving our relationships, and observe how people respond to the relationship tests we set for them, we don’t have to feel anxious or insecure in our relationships. We can be confident that by trusting ourselves, it becomes possible to know whether or not we can trust the other person.
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About the Author
Marcia Sirota MD FRCP(C) is a board-certified psychiatrist, that does not ascribe to any one theoretical school. Rather, she has integrated her education and life experiences into a unique approach to the practice of psychotherapy. She considers herself a realist with a healthy measure of optimism. Sign up here for her free monthly wellness newsletter. Listen here to her latest podcast. marciasirotamd.com
