Negative Actions – Are You Proactive or Reactive?
By Mary Cook, M.A., R.A.S.
Negative actions are typically misguided attempts to fix very real problems. Prostitution symbolizes a need to value, validate and attend to the sexual part of self to heal past wounds. Stealing is an attempt to rectify earlier important deprivations. Self-mutilation is a need to kill vulnerability in order to kill the fear of its consequences. Substance abuse comes from the need to control what enters the mind and body in response to previous painful internalizations. Violence represents a need to communicate the origin of rage and consequent feelings of victimization.
When we haven’t learned tools that help us reach solutions, we act out our pain in ways that do further harm to ourselves and others. Therefore prostitution, stealing, self-mutilation, substance abuse and violence give more power to those people and experiences that brought on our original pain. We become reactive rather than proactive and remain stuck in sick behaviors and ideas. We are afraid to examine the dynamics of negative behavior, ironically because we believe it will reinforce it. Yet it is only truth in its entirety that will free us from the bondage of old habits.
Arresting negative actions is the first stage of recovery. Generally, what motivates us to seek help to stop problematic behaviors is when we can no longer deny the escalating pain that they bring, and we’ve managed to maintain a small part of us that feels we are worthy of and can benefit from assistance. We cannot pretend to be in charge of our life when harmful actions are the power greater than ourselves.
This is a stage of recovery where we typically need significant support to reinforce change, to provide healthier sources of higher power and to increase hope. Ideally as we let go of old sick behaviors, we internalize new concepts of relating to ourselves and others. It is more difficult to let go of internalized belief systems and their corresponding emotions, however, than it is to change the outward behaviors.
A conscious, focussed exploration of the genesis of negative actions in order to understand and heal the wounds below them is the second stage of recovery. When core problems begin in childhood, our early examinations of them in recovery trigger the feelings and thoughts experienced at that age. We feel helpless, hopeless, vulnerable, terrified and overwhelmed. We think we are undeserving of healthy affection, attention, love, nurturing, protection, support and value. We believe there is something inherently wrong with our intelligence, our abilities, our bodies, our feelings, needs, wants, our love and our right to live. Failing to address or complete this part of recovery leaves us with barriers to healthy intimacy with ourselves, others and the God of our understanding.
Recovery in the second stage requires healing and understanding on a physical, mental, emotional, spiritual and behavioral level. For instance, if prostitution developed from unhealed sexual abuse, once prostitution stops, an analysis of the myriad of symptoms and consequences that followed from sexual abuse other than prostitution, is in order. Physically, the body may be treated as a function, tool or curse. Mentally, sex may be viewed as repulsive and thoughts of suicide, self-hate and self-doubt are common. Emotionally, chronic shame, guilt, anger, fear and anxiety interfere with self-esteem. Spiritually, higher power may be understood as unforgiving, punishing, uncaring or neglectful. Behaviorally, deficient self-care in terms of health, boundaries, safety and relationships are typical symptoms as well as a need for perfectionism to compensate for negative thoughts about self.
The above examples only scratch the surface of the work needed in this area.
Talking about problems past and present with trustworthy, understanding people can stimulate positive change. When we see how these problems and consequent symptoms stem from sickness, we understand how we’ve been reacting from fear and false beliefs. These beliefs limit or prevent us from fully receiving or giving attention, affection, bonding, empathy, love and understanding. If we believe ultimately that the true source of our life comes from a healthy, loving higher power, then we know confidently that we are far greater than the sum of any traumas given or received. We deserve healing and growth on every level. This is what allows us to live proactively rather than reactively. The depth of the darkness we face and reconcile within ourselves determines the power of spiritual illumination for our life.
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About the Author
Mary Cook is the author of “Grace Lost and Found: From Addictions and Compulsions to Satisfaction and Serenity”, available from Amazon.com, etc. Mary has 38 years of clinical practice and 29 years of university teaching experience. She is available for telephone and office counseling, guided meditation, and speaking engagements. Connect with her at her website: WWW.MARYCOOKMA.COM or on Facebook
