Do You Put Yourself In Obsessive Relationships?
Obsessive relationships are not healthy. Take this quiz to find out if you are in one.
Obsessive Relationships: Are You In One?
As a physician, I’ve seen many patients who felt trapped in obsessive relationships. They can’t stop thinking of someone. They can’t stop checking their phones to see if he/she texted. A great part of their consciousness is devoted to ruminating about what this person is doing or not doing and they are afraid of losing the person. These obsessive/possessive relationships can be very painful.
Bonding with a partner is a natural part of getting to know someone and of falling in love. But getting overly attached goes beyond healthy bonding and is disempowering. When you truly love someone you’re not interested in possessing the person or keeping him or her in your clutches because you’re afraid of losing the relationship. True intimacy is always a balance between bonding and letting go so the relationship can breathe.
Are You In an Obsessive Relationship? Take this Quiz
Take the following quiz to determine your obsessive patterns.
Quiz: Are You Overly Obsessive with a Partner?
1. Do you cling to your partner?
2. Do you want to possess him or her?
3. Are you often afraid of being abandoned or betrayed?
4. Do you get anxious when you don’t hear from him or her every day?
5. Do you constantly think about the person?
6. Do you start obsessing about a partner after you have sex?
7. Does your partner feel you are trying to control or suffocate him or her?
8. Do you feel you can’t live without the person?
How to interpret the Are You Overly Obsessive with a Partner? Quiz
6-8 yeses indicate that you are extremely overly attached.
3-5 yeses indicate that you are moderately overly attached.
1-3 yeses indicate that you have a tendency to overly attach. A score of zero indicates that you have healthy bonding with your partner.
First to deal with an obsession you have to seize control of your thoughts and mind. Then consciously change your thinking from unwholesome thoughts to constructive positive ones. It is very important to consciously shift out of the obsession using your will to do this.
Here are ways to enjoy passion from a more grounded place that I learned from my tantric sexuality sessions and in therapy:
3 Tantric Techniques to Ground Obsessive Relationships
1. I learned that over-merging with a romantic partner without a pause can decrease the erotic charge. It actually can be more erotic and intimate to go in and out of intense connection with a partner, rather than sustaining it. This gives both lovers their space and more breathing room.
2. I don’t “root” in a man, but root primarily in myself and the earth. One way I do this before and after lovemaking is to visualize my body developing roots into the soil like a tree. I’m still surrendered to and immersed in pleasure, but I also keep a fuller sense of myself intact later. I’m able to separate from him and more comfortably see us as separate beings.
3. After lovemaking or to deal with possessiveness in intimacy, I also find it useful to meditate with my partner and then say to each another, “I adore you. I honor you. I release you.” This is a healthy way to bond while not excessively attaching or fixating. It produces a beautiful equilibrium of loving.
The solution to not becoming overly attached or possessive is to focus on strengthening your self-esteem while addressing and releasing fears, including the fear of abandonment, which can cause the need to cling. Working with a skilled relationship therapist or coach can be productive. Also you can practice the three tantric techniques that I described above. These will help you develop autonomy and grounding. Being willing to surrender the tendency to overly attach in favor of healthily bonding will allow you to have more joyous and pleasurable relationships without the pain of obsession.
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About the Author
Judith Orloff, MD is the New York Times bestselling author of The Empath’s Survival Guide: Life Strategies for Sensitive People, upon which this article is based. Dr. Orloff is a psychiatrist, an empath, and is on the UCLA Psychiatric Clinical Faculty. She synthesizes the pearls of traditional medicine with cutting edge knowledge of intuition, energy, and spirituality. Dr. Orloff also specializes in treating empaths and highly sensitive people in her private practice. She is the author of Emotional Freedom, The Power of Surrender, Second Sight, Positive Energy, and Guide to Intuitive Healing. To learn more about empaths and her free empath support newsletter as well as Dr. Orloff’s books and workshop schedule, visit: www.drjudithorloff.com
