Responding to Losses
How much of your story involves dealing with losses? As you get older, you find that you and more and more of your friends are suffering losses. Yet at any point in life, a person can experience a devastating loss or even series of losses. Losses can involve actual deaths or be like deaths: for example, the ending of a job or relationship, or suffering a mental or physical illness can be a devastating blow. A transition, even if eagerly anticipated, can feel like a loss in some ways. Events such as retirement, a move to a new city, or having your last child move out, often bring deeply mixed emotions.
Shamans say that all endings lead to beginnings, and we must learn to work with the energy of endings to ensure that we do not get stuck in what is already dying and keep ourselves from experiencing what is being born. To better cope with losses and transitions, we need to change our attitude toward them. If we’re in touch with our eternal essence and the waxing and waning of all aspects of our lives, the birthing and the dying, we can move beyond bitterness about things not staying as we want. Then we will find it easier to accept “what is,” realizing the many blessings that we still have despite what we have lost.
Change is inevitable. If we remember that, we won’t be as shocked and upset as we might otherwise be when it occurs. We can adapt and be resilient. Life goes on, even if we experience it very differently than we did before.
How do you respond when someone you know has a loss or major transition? Is your response heartfelt or perfunctory? Does your own fear of loss get in the way with your being fully present with the person who is upset over a loss? After saying what you think is the right thing, how quickly do you get back into focusing on your own life, forgetting the pain or the suffering that someone who might be close to you is going through?
Some people resist staying connected to others who have experienced loss because they fear for their own difficulty in returning to a positive, optimistic state. Their mind turns to the losses they might suffer, too. Their fear of endings and the uncertainty of what will replace what has been lost can frighten them. Do you become deeply discombobulated after hearing of another’s loss because you are especially empathetic, or because you start to fear what you might lose?
Think about when you experience a big loss of your own. How quickly do you get back into your own life and routines? How much time do you allow yourself to grieve? After a significant loss, do you find it hard to remain in the present moment and see a hopeful future? How could you step back from your pain and still honor the memory of whomever or whatever was lost, and start living again? Could you create a ritual or ceremony to help you deal with your loss?
You might create a fire ceremony that can help you release the energy of grief and open you to new energies. One way to do a fire ceremony is to use a candle flame or a fire in a fireplace or outdoors and some sticks you can burn. Blow into a stick the energy of what you would like to release from yourself and your energy field, such as sadness. Then, place the stick into the fire. Next, pick up another stick and blow into it something you want to gain, such as an openness to new possibilities—happiness, inner peace, or a new relationship, for example. Then, burn that stick, exchanging the old energy for the new. Afterward, take some time to observe any changes in how you feel, and how you felt during the ritual itself. Consider writing about the experience in your journal, and repeating the ceremony if you feel you want to release more grief, or release other energies associated with your loss, such as anger or fear. Use the ceremony to bring in energies such as hope, happiness, and courage, all of which can help you to step out of the old story of loss and write a new one.
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