Katherine Woodward Thomas: Conscious Uncoupling
In my work with people over the past twenty years, one thing I’ve noticed is that a bad breakup is one of the most traumatic things many of us will ever go through. It can be almost like a near death experience. In fact, studies show that those going through a breakup have the same brain chemistry as those who are undergoing the death of a loved one. Studies also show the majority of us will have two or three significant relationships over the course of our lifetimes, and that means one or two big breakups as well. With the divorce rate holding steady at 50% for the past two decades, that’s a lot of pain and suffering.
And so, due to my own personal experience, as well as the experience of so many of my clients and students, I’ve been working for years to come up with a better way. Because I think we’re ready to learn how to do this in ways that are healthier and kinder than how we’ve been doing it.
OMTIMES: Your Conscious Uncoupling approach is far more profound than simply an amicable divorce or breakup. In what ways is it different?
Katherine Woodward Thomas: Breakups are hard on us for many reasons, not the least of which is that we are really are biologically hardwired for connection. Our relationships are our home, and when they’re threatened our brains go a little haywire and start signaling for the secretion of fight-or-flight hormones. This means that our thinking brain is slowing down at the time when our impulse to act is speeding up. Not always a good combination. And even the nicest of us can begin behaving in ways that are uncharacteristically hostile and hurtful.
While some of us manage to find our way to end a relationship on friendly terms, the breakups we’re most familiar with are combative and antagonistic. Good intentions aside, the overwhelming emotions we feel when rejected by the one we love can easily take us over, and in many ways–take us out. Yet, because we have to live with the consequences of the actions we take and the choices we make during a breakup, we’ll want some tried and true tips to help us behave in ways that are consistent with our ethics, no matter what we’re feeling at the moment.
