Katherine Woodward Thomas: Conscious Uncoupling

Amongst other things, the Conscious Uncoupling program offers specific tips and practices for how to stay cool when you’re hit by hot emotions. While some manage to find their way organically to a friendly breakup, most of us do not and will need some concrete guidelines and support to help get us there.

OMTIMES: Why do so many of us feel embarrassed or ashamed when telling people that we’ve broken up?

Katherine Woodward Thomas: Inside of the 400-year-old “Happily Ever After” myth that most of us aspire to, we have a collective story about romantic love. And that is, if a relationship ends for any other reason other than the death of one or both people, which it has “failed.” And so it’s hard to not feel ashamed when a relationship ends. Yet, losing love is hard enough on the heart without the added loss of social status and shame that comes along with it.

We have to remember that the happily-ever-after myth was created when the average lifespan was 35 years old and half of the children died before the age of 16. Given that context, it made sense to try to keep couples together through thick and through thin to help give the children the best possible chance of survival. Yet longevity is no longer a viable measure of the value of a relationship.

Never before have we valued change as much as we do today. We aspire to grow and change in ways previous generations never even considered. We’re organized around the realization of our potentials more than at any other time in the course of human history. And while this is wonderful, this shift in cultural values will often wreak havoc on the stability of our relationships. So many of us are reconsidering the goals of our most intimate connections. We’re beginning to measure the success of our relationships not simply by the amount of time spent together but according to the healing and growth that was inspired by that union, and the depth of the love that was shared.