Why You Don’t Have to Fear Judgment
I talk to people all the time about their fears of being harshly judged. A number of people say that they won’t try anything new unless they’re assured of success, for fear of being criticized for not doing it as well as they “should.” Judgment leaves people feeling so uncomfortable with critical feedback that they reject all of it, even when it’s meant to help them do better.
While it’s true that we’re living in a hyper-critical world, where people are free to bash each other online, on TV, on the radio, or in the printed press, it is important to step back and gain some perspective on all the critics out there.
We should remember that there are two types of criticism: constructive and destructive. Reasonable people who have something of value to tell us will make a point of doing so in a way that we can let in. Their intention is to be helpful, so they offer their feedback politely, kindly and respectfully.
Those who want to tear us down, humiliate us, insult us; those who are competitive, resentful of our success or who simply want to be bullies will always express their criticism in hurtful ways. Their intention is to gain the upper hand, to wound us, to diminish us. It’s obvious, if we pay attention, which their feedback isn’t being given for our benefit.
When we hear critical feedback, we always have a choice about how we receive it. We can take it all personally and be devastated when it’s harsh, or we can take a step back and look at who’s giving the feedback and what their agenda might be. Those who offer constructive criticism have insights into how we can do better; they’re offering valuable information which we can use to enhance our performance. Rejecting it would deprive us of this value.
Those who have destructive criticism make it obvious what their intentions are. Even if their feedback has some grain of truth to it, we should feel free to take in the true part and reject the remainder. These critics are showing us who they are, more than who we are; they’re revealing their hurtful intentions far more than elucidating our flaws.
Those who fear criticism can relax. It’s not so difficult to distinguish the bullies from those who have helpful feedback to offer. As long as we remember that the critics are revealing their own hurtful intentions, as opposed to our inadequacies, we’ll be free to take in the constructive criticisms we hear and ignore the rest.
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About the Author
Marcia Sirota MD FRCP(C) is a board-certified psychiatrist, that does not ascribe to any one theoretical school. Rather, she has integrated her education and life experiences into a unique approach to the practice of psychotherapy. She considers herself a realist with a healthy measure of optimism. Sign up here for her free monthly wellness newsletter. Listen here to her latest podcast. marciasirotamd.com
