The Pitfalls of Perfectionism
Perfectionism is a trap. A really sticky one.
When we try to be perfect, we’re doomed to fail, and then we end up feeling bad about ourselves. The truth is that no one can be perfect and no one needs to be.
Perfectionism backfires.
When we try to be perfect and inevitably fail, it creates disappointment and anger toward ourselves, and in turn, ambivalence, emotional paralysis and self-sabotage.
The more we try to be perfect, the more angry and unhappy we are, and the more our performance is impaired. A vicious circle of perfectionism, failure, frustration, and further perfectionism ensues. Instead of enabling us to do better, perfectionism causes us to do much worse.
So why do so many of us feel that we have to be perfect?
The drive for perfection comes out of an old need to please a parent-figure who was never fully satisfied with us. We grew up believing that if we were only a perfect little boy or girl, Mommy or Daddy would finally approve of us. The truth is that either our parents are able to accept us unconditionally or they aren’t; it has nothing to do with our behavior.
As adults, we seek perfection in order to win the approval of a friend, spouse, or supervisor, unconsciously believing that this will restore our sense of self-worth. We need to see that our self-worth as adults should be based on our own self-acceptance, not on the approval of others, and certainly not because we’re “perfect.”
Sadly, once we get caught up in the pattern of perfectionism, we continue with it into adulthood, until something (hopefully) comes along to show us the error of our ways.
Perfectionism is impossible, and irrelevant.
We can get really, really good at something, but we can never be perfect. Having this expectation is a set up for a life of constant frustration and disappointment.
No one who is reasonable would ever expect perfection of us. If we’re trying to be perfect to please someone, it’s absolutely unnecessary. A reasonable person doesn’t require this and an unreasonable person will never be pleased, no matter what, so why even bother trying?
The inner critic demands perfection.
We unconsciously internalize the critical, judgmental statements we heard while growing up, and these come together to form the “inner critic” in our psyche. Even when no one in the world is demanding perfection from us, the critic in our head is telling us that nothing less than perfection is acceptable.
The thing to know is that the inner critic would never be satisfied with us, even if we were able to achieve perfection. Its very nature is to find fault, no matter how well we’re doing; so we need to reject its negative, undermining messages and accept ourselves as we are, with all our imperfections.
Self-acceptance is not the same as complacency.
Self-acceptance creates a calm, happy emotional state from which personal and professional development are possible. Even if we weren’t fully accepted in childhood, we can learn to accept ourselves now, and stop seeking approval from others through our attempts at perfection.
Self-acceptance is loving ourselves for who we are, but always wanting to do better; it’s not about seeking perfection but rather, improvement.
Complacency, on the other hand, is a lazy attitude in which we feel that everything we do is just fine and that we needn’t bother improving anything. It’s a sense of smug self-satisfaction that assumes we’re already doing the best that we need to do.
Letting go of perfectionism doesn’t mean we’ve become complacent.
We can give up our futile and unnecessary striving for perfection, while continuing to work on improving ourselves. Self-acceptance involves wanting to be the best that we can be. Not perfect, but simply the best version of our imperfect selves.
Letting go of perfection and embracing improvement.
When we try to be perfect, we’re doomed to fail. We’ll be less successful and unhappy in pursuit of this impossible goal. When we simply try to do better, we embrace a life-long task of self-improvement. We’ll never reach “perfection” but we can continue to grow and develop, in a personal and professional capacity, through the years to come.
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About the Author
Marcia Sirota MD FRCP(C) is a board-certified psychiatrist, that does not ascribe to any one theoretical school. Rather, she has integrated her education and life experiences into a unique approach to the practice of psychotherapy. She considers herself a realist with a healthy measure of optimism. Sign up here for her free monthly wellness newsletter. Listen here to her latest podcast. marciasirotamd.com
