Avoid Passing Your Emotional Wounds On To Your Kids
The last thing any parent wants to do is pass their emotional wounds on to their children.
How Parents Can Avoid Passing On Their Emotional Wounds to Their Kids
Parenting is the hardest job in the world, and I see parents as heroes, sacrificing much of their own comfort and happiness for the sake of their children’s well-being. It’s easy to criticize parents for not being perfect but what would be more helpful would be some constructive tips on how to maximize their skills for the best possible outcomes.
One of the sadder things I’ve witnessed in my years as a psychotherapist is the parent who loves their kids, but somehow, these kids still grow up with considerable emotional wounds. It’s understandable to me that abusive or neglectful parents would end up with emotionally wounded children, but loving parents? That seems contradictory.
The explanation is this: a parent who carries emotional wounds from their own childhood trauma will inadvertently pass on their dysfunctional coping strategies to their children. This is because our children learn from us in three ways: how we treat them; what we teach them, and what we model to them.
We can treat our children with love and affection. We can give them the best guidance and advice, but if we don’t believe in ourselves, if we’re extremely self-critical, or if we have serious addictions or other problems our kids can take after us in the negative things even more than in the positive ones.
Sadly, childhood trauma goes so deep that even the strongest love for our children won’t prevent the wounds of the past from affecting them; most especially if we’re unaware of what’s happening, and we don’t intervene.
I’ve seen this outcome in my practice far too often to think that it’s some strange aberration. Love and guidance are absolute necessities for raising happy, healthy, successful kids but they’re not enough. If a parent wants to ensure a bright future for their kids, they need to add one additional ingredient to the mix: self-love.
Children unconsciously internalize their parents’ self-regard. A confident, self-loving parent is far more likely to have confident, self-loving kids than an insecure, self-critical parent, even if the latter parent adores their kids.
If you want to be the best possible parent you can be, it’s not enough to love your kids and teach them the important life lessons; you also have to make sure that your own self-love is in tip-top shape.
You need to examine your past for any signs of trauma and do your own healing work so that you don’t inadvertently pass on your emotional wounds to your kids.
I’ve worked with many parents and parents-to-be over the years, and I’ve seen how healing from their childhood trauma and developing more self-love has made an enormous impact on how their children grow up.
Doing therapy as a young parent or better yet, before becoming a parent is a key factor in preventing future difficulties in one’s kids.
I’ve also seen the opposite scenario, where a person with grown kids looks back and realizes how their emotional wounds adversely affected their kids’ emotional development.
These unfortunate individuals didn’t realize in time that they had such deep wounds; they didn’t understand the impact these wounds would have on their growing children.
Having observed both sides of the story, or the adverse effects on a child when a parent hasn’t dealt with their emotional wounds and the positive effects of a parent sorting out their issues before it’s too late. I’ve come to see the importance of examining our own emotional wounds when embarking upon the wonderful and daunting task of parenting.
It might seem far-fetched to some people, but I would recommend that everyone considering being a parent or anyone whose kids are still young should attend a few sessions with a psychotherapist if only to reassure themselves that they aren’t harboring any unconscious emotional wounds.
If they do discover that there’s something that they’re sitting on, this would be the perfect opportunity to resolve these emotional wounds before the wounds can adversely affect their children or future children.
Some signs are indicating that you might be carrying emotional wounds; for example, if you’re suffering from depression or anxiety. These conditions may be genetic, but they can also arise out of emotional trauma.
Other signs of emotional wounds from past trauma include any addictions that cause problems in your personal, financial or professional life or any long-term bad habits like watching too much TV or going to bed too late. Other signs are a sleep disorder, an eating disorder or ongoing problems with money.
You could have a long history of low self-esteem, ongoing interpersonal difficulties or the feeling that you’re not fulfilling your potential. You might feel chronically stuck or blocked in your work or your creativity, or you might be pessimistic or cynical, extremely self-critical or very judgmental toward others.
You could be moody and easily upset, or hypersensitive to criticism or rejection. You could be easily angered or extremely control. You could have a chronically messy home or be way behind on your taxes.
Some people have ongoing physical problems that doctors find it hard to understand or treat, including fatigue, pain or digestive disturbances.
If any of these above signs are familiar to you, you may have a history of childhood trauma that you’re not consciously aware of. It isn’t surprising that this trauma is often unconscious, as our natural psychological defense mechanisms protect us by blocking out many of our painful memories.
Being unaware of your childhood trauma is a common phenomenon, so not knowing about it doesn’t mean that it didn’t happen.
And because of this, it might be a good idea, especially if you can relate to any of the above signs, to see a psychotherapist ASAP if you have kids or you’re considering having kids. It’s just one more way to ensure that you’re the best parent you can be.
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About the Author
Marcia Sirota MD FRCP(C) is a board-certified psychiatrist, that does not ascribe to any one theoretical school. Rather, she has integrated her education and life experiences into a unique approach to the practice of psychotherapy. She considers herself a realist with a healthy measure of optimism. Sign up here for her free monthly wellness newsletter.
