Learning To Accept An Apology Without Getting One

Genuine, heartfelt apologies of wrongdoing against you are often never offered by the perpetrator, but that should not stop you from forgiving them.

Learn To Accept An Apology Even If It Is Not Forthcoming

 by Keely Lorae

If someone hurts us on an emotional level, it is never quite a simple one-way affair. What can hurt us has to come from a place deep within ourselves that has been unresolved. The sad fact is, we all cause micro cuts in each other every single day. It’s usually not even done with the intention of causing someone else pain, but because we are all damaged and defending ourselves by this constant onslaught of emotional pain. We are perpetrators of the cycle.

When we’ve been hurt, we often feel like we need to hear an apology from the person who has offended us.  We want to feel vindicated. But what happens if that apology never comes?

It is easy enough to believe that an apology will allow us to move on but, words often come cheap.  Genuine apologies are rare for two reasons. The first being that it takes a deep understanding of the hurt that has been done. The second being that an apology implies that the behavior won’t happen again because to say sorry means that we understand the pain.  Our ego needs to feel like it’s been heard. And that’s the crux of it, communication on an honest and raw level is what we are asking. More often than not, it doesn’t happen the way we want.

To expect someone who has wronged us to come forward and express a genuine understanding of what they did won’t happen. What is hurting us is more to do with our pain than it does theirs. No one can come to you and say they’re sorry on a level that will ever really validate us unless the pain is ultimately released. Unless a person endeavors to demonstrate their ability to be empathetic, the words are a moot point.

People feel hurt when they are not heard, feel seen or accepted. We are all guilty of making others feel this way. Whether purposefully or not. Sometimes it is easy to release an offensive person from our lives. But, when it is family or a close friend, it becomes much more complicated. When a person is removed from our lives, it will certainly mitigate the opportunity for them to hurt us again. But it won’t delete the pain we feel because of what was done. We are the one that must process what caused such grief. We are the ones that have to work through the feelings that ignited the issue. The decision to collapse the communication means that we have accepted an apology that will never come. The closure then is left for us to complete.

The reconciliation with whoever it was that caused us to feel unseen, unheard or unaccepted is far more difficult. An attempt to defend our position and express the pain can lead to further alienation as they too are trying to protect themselves. In that, they are defending their ego. As a result, both parties are guilty of causing hurt to another.

The ego is described as our outward persona. The wart we show the world, the chatty voice that is in our head. The ego is not our true self. It is the very thing in contrast to our true self.  We are born perfectly unaffected by the worries of the world. Until we develop the ego, the part of us that tells us to hate, be afraid and embrace fear. We all dwell here and, it is not an easy thing to overcome.

Bill Plotkin outlines in his book Nature and The Human Soul, “Ego consciousness is our greatest liability as well as our greatest power.” We can become more self-aware and decipher what is in our true nature. To realize what is important and, what has developed as part of our persona that essentially helps us feel protected from the world. In recognizing that we all seek to feel heard, seen and accepted, we acknowledge that we are all looking for love.

Not everyone is going to reach that level of soul expansion and development. Bill Plotkin argues that many people struggle to transition from adolescence to the next phase of maturity. “In current western and westernized societies, in addition to the scarcity of true maturity, many people of adult age suffer from a variety of adolescent psychopathologies — incapacitating social insecurity, identity confusion, extremely low self-esteem, few or no social skills, narcissism, relentless greed, arrested moral development, recurrent physical violence, materialistic obsessions, little or no capacity for intimacy or empathy, substance addictions, and emotional numbness.”

There is nothing we can do to change that about others who are not ready to delve deeper into theirs. Attempting to do so only encourages our behaviors. This too is challenging. As our evolution supersedes that of others that we care for it can result in feeling rejected. No one is at fault. We can’t disregard a person who has not given their soul a full chance to expand and grow any more than we can hate a dog for barking.

By accepting an apology we will never receive, we are giving ourselves the opportunity for further growth. We are learning forgiveness on the deepest level there is and that has to come from a place of love.

“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” – E.E. Cummings.

You will also enjoy Close Encounters of the Truthful Kind and 7 Ways to Let GO of Little EGO

About the Author

Keely Lorae is a healthy body image ambassador and writes about matters that are important to growth and development. She owns a health and wellness studio and mentors many women from all walks of life.  https://www.personaltransformations.com.au