Carmen Harra – The Karma Queen
By resolving your karma, by bringing love and patience into the situation and acting from your highest, most evolved and spiritual self, you end the cycle of going from one similar relationship to another and repeating the old patterns that bring you and others pain. You open yourself up to attract new people into your life—a romantic partner, a group of friends, a business or creative partner who complements you, or a neighbor who makes life much more pleasant. Resolving your karma and becoming a master over it involves some discomfort. You’re going to have to look at yourself honestly with all your flaws and address your behaviors and your hidden thoughts that drive them.
Relationships are the ground on which we resolve our old karma because they are the way through which karma manifests itself. They mold us into karma queens if we don’t run from the work that relationships require. Whether they are with someone we love or someone we can’t stand but can’t avoid, relationships cause us simultaneous pain and joy. Our patterns depend on what is in our karmic luggage.
If you want to stop suffering and heal your relationships so that they are supportive, loving, and nurturing, you must stop focusing on the problems other people cause you and start looking at yourself. What is the only common element in every relationship you have? You! You’re in every relationship, and you bring to it a suitcase full of karma that you, and only you, can sort through. If you do so, your relationships will be less complicated and much more rewarding.
OMTIMES: Besides unresolved karma, what do you feel is a problem in relationships today?
CARMEN HARRA: I feel that many relationships lack emotional intimacy, the “glue” of all love relationships. Intimacy isn’t restricted to intercourse; it knows what your partner needs before he gets a chance to ask—feeling his emotions and wishes as if they were your own. Emotional intimacy is much more powerful than physical intimacy because it delves deep into your loved one’s ambitions, fears, and hopes. Truly, it’s a subconscious connection.
You can reach this sense of sacred connectedness by digging deeper than superficial conversation; reach heightened intimacy by engaging in topics of true substance. Over time, we become immune to the excitement of our relationship. Dopamine levels in the brain drop as we get used to a person. You can avoid this by being consistently aware of your partner. Develop a strong sense of his tendencies. Pay attention to how he’s behaving from day to day: what’s really on his mind? Understand when he needs a hug versus when he needs to be alone. Comprehend what it is that your partner needs most at different moments. To be truly intimate with your partner is to be in tune with him on all three levels: body, mind, and spirit. This sense of “knowing” your significant other will keep you in sync as a couple.
OMTIMES: What is your best advice for a healthy and happy love relationship?
CARMEN HARRA: There are many actions two partners can take to establish a mutual sense of satisfaction in the relationship.
The first step is to simplify the relationship. Often we forget that simplicity is key when it comes to love. In wanting to do too much, to build too much, we can quickly lose sight of the simple values that fostered love. I urge the couples I counsel to return to simplicity. Nothing is more valuable at the end of the day than tender moments shared in silence, with no mention of what was, could have been, or might be. De-clutter your relationship. Cleanse it of all toxicity: people who interfere, harmful emotions, hurtful memories, and bad habits. Maintain a love as pure as water.
In simplifying matters, our ego gets scaled down to size. The ego is the most destructive force of all relationships. It tears down human bonds because it favors me and neglects the we. If you want to have a good relationship, you have to let your proud guard down. Take nothing personal; even if your partner does something wrong, understand that he may have personal issues that you know nothing about and that also have nothing to do with you. Realize that, yes, in a perfect world, everything would be fair play, but that in relationships, everything is compromised sacrifice and endurance. Hold your partner closer to your heart than you hold your own ego, and you will succeed in holding a healthy, long-term relationship.
The quality and duration of your relationships revolve around choices you make each day. You have the choice to build your partner up or tear him down to nothing. Remember that weaknesses are far more visible than strengths. We become so used to our partner’s flaws that we think those around us are used to them, too. You may joke to people about your loved one’s imperfections and think this is no big deal. But you don’t know just how deeply run the emotional wounds carved by these failings. As a rule of thumb, refrain from speaking negatively about your significant other in public. You may want to vent to others, but keeping silent is wiser. Instead of starting the day by reminding your partner what he did wrong, thank him: “Thank you for being next to me and with me. Thank you for being you,” you can say. Tolerate his defects as you tolerate your own. Nurture the person who has stood by you; he is more sensitive than you can imagine. A simple “I’m proud of you” can uplift your partner’s entire day.
One of the biggest mistakes I see people making is pressuring a person to commit. Pressure may make diamonds, but in relationships, it only makes your partner resent you. The commitment must come from free will and free will alone; no amount of convincing or begging can influence someone else’s feelings for you. Many people live with the false notion that they can change their partner. No one can change anyone else; we change ourselves. Forcing change on a person only forces him out of your life, and ultimatums ultimately end relationships. Allow your partner to pass through his own phases while showing support and gently ushering him in the right direction. Accept your partner’s struggles and internal conflicts as he performs his inner work. He will change, but in his own time and at his own pace. Until then, work to improve yourself. The single best way to inspire change in someone is to lead by example.
While you should never force change, you should anticipate it. People are constantly changing. Who you are now is not who you were last year, last month, or even last week. But unlike a teenager passing through puberty, change isn’t always obvious. It’s easy to become oblivious to your partner’s changes because you see this person so often. Understand how your loved one is transforming and adapt yourself to him or her. In the case of physical change, make it known to your partner that you notice the new look: always compliment a different hairstyle, weight loss, and fresh wardrobe. Remain well ahead of changes by preparing for the next phase of your relationship and strategizing how you’ll pass through it side by side. You should also ask yourself: is my relationship evolving, or only changing? A relationship should not only shift but shift positively over time as both partners work to fix outstanding issues. Evolve in the same direction as your significant other. If this is not happening, it’s time to evaluate at what point the relationship became stagnant.
Stagnancy can be avoided by going on new adventures with your partner. The daily grind becomes boring, to say the least, so break out of routine as often as you can. Travel with your partner, even if it’s a road trip or a weekend getaway. Try new restaurants and take up new hobbies. Even if it’s something out of your comfort zone, find joy in the fact that you’re doing it with your other half.
And finally, learn to ask your partner the right questions. There’s a right way and a wrong way to communicate. The wrong way is bombarding your partner with all of your problems as soon as he walks through the door after a long day at work. The right way is waiting until he unwinds, then gently bringing up one subject of concern. Ask about his day before you begin. Find out what’s important to him, what are his plans, how you can help, etc. Listen intently when he opens up to you before responding. It’s important to get your partner to let his guard down before embarking on a subject you’re keen to discuss. If you start off too aggressively, your partner will respond with equal force. He’s more likely to be receptive if you’re already engaged in a comfortable conversation.
Continue to Page 3 of the Interview with Carmen Harra
