Dr. Kelly Neff – The Future of Love and Intimacy
Sandie Sedgbeer: In Sex-Positive you say that you believe ‘The future is Sex Positive, tolerant of individual choice and open to sexual freedom and exploration, where sexual sovereignty is the cornerstone for all genders and the foundation for building understanding, respect, compassion, and strength, and that what we’re looking for is a world where physical or psychological oppression is no more. A world of the future where #MeToo and #Time’s Up are no longer necessary to give voice to our pain and trauma because we’ve healed and progressed to space where all people’s sexual sovereignty is respected.” Do you really think we can get there?
Kelly Neff: I have to believe we can. If you look at the last 20 years and how much things have changed with bringing these issues into the spotlight, we could look at this on a scale of the last 2,000 years and, say, the last 20-30 years have been an exponential time of growth. I believe it’s possible.
Sandie Sedgbeer: I hope you’re right. What can we learn from the ancient sexual wisdom traditions about living a Sex-Positive life now?
Kelly Neff: There is a lot there and it’s so old and so ancient and it predates Christianity which came in and swooped up and took control of our sexuality. Before that, if we look at, say, Taoism, Tantra, the Native American tradition of Berdache, all of these traditions viewed sex as medicine. The importance of balancing the masculine and feminine energies inside of each of us as something extremely beneficial to our health and our longevity.
Sandie Sedgbeer: In a recent interview you conducted on your radio show with Dr. Saida Désilets about sexual empowerment and reclaiming sexual sovereignty, Dr. Désilets said: “Do you realize that in no country in the world, not even the United Nations Human Rights Charter, is there any stipulation that women have the rights to their own bodies?” That just astounded me. Is there anything anywhere that says men have the right to theirs?
Kelly Neff: I don’t think so. I think she makes a fantastic point that autonomy over your sexuality and your body is of most importance. I think no-one felt it was necessary for men. Women are the ones who’ve been traditionally traded, sold and treated like property, not men. Men have been the ones doing that, so it would make sense that we would need a Human Rights Charter for women because it’s still going on in parts of the world.
Sandie Sedgbeer: The statistics for sex trafficking, child trafficking, sexual slavery, etc., are jaw-dropping. I do wonder even if there was a United Nations Human Rights Charter, would it make any difference?
Kelly Neff: I just want people to know that this future is possible. I think that we have to dream big and manifest and put energy into building the future we want. This is happening across every area right now in our world. I mean, look at the climate change marches in protest and Greta. So, some people might look at what Greta’s doing and say, “Oh, it will never happen,” but you have to try, you have to put that voice out there.
Sandie Sedgbeer: I can’t help wondering what the reaction would be, what kind of questions people would ask if you were a man having written this book?
Kelly Neff: That’s a good point. I wonder as well, especially because I talk about toxic masculinity. Toxic masculinity hurts men, too. It’s a very small percentage of men, I believe, who are creating a lot of the hurt and pain from toxic masculinity. There are so many men – and I love men, I love women, I love people – out there who are fighting toxic masculinity, and are incredible supporters of women and non-binary people. It’s just not fair to assume that all men are toxic. I want to make that clear now. If I was a man saying that, maybe it wouldn’t be received in quite the same way.
Sandie Sedgbeer: You write about women having to reclaim and redefine the very nature of orgasm. Why is that necessary or important to sex positivity?
Kelly Neff: Part of the issue here is that sexology has traditionally viewed the female orgasm and female sexual desire and stimulation in general as ‘male sexual arousal light.’ That’s what Emily Nigosi calls it in her book Come as You Are, which came out in 2015. It’s my inspiration for a lot of my content about orgasm because it’s absolutely fantastic. She’s a sex researcher and a sexologist and she talks about how we have always assumed that if it gets the men off and makes babies – vaginal penetration, vaginal intercourse –t his must also be what should get women off. Should – again, it’s a value judgment. Most women – I think it’s up to 90% of women – prefer to orgasm or need to use clitoral stimulation to orgasm, and so that’s why reclaiming the orgasm is important because of this value judgment that somehow vaginal orgasm is better or more superior, or insulting or wrong to use your clitoris during sex. I think what’s happening now is that people realize that whatever type of orgasm you have is OK. Whatever you want to do to get to that orgasm, it’s OK. You should not feel ashamed, and that’s why we’ve had to change that narrative and it’s great that it’s happening.
Sandie Sedgbeer: What advice or solutions do you offer to help people build a Sex-Positive relationship?
Kelly Neff: There are a couple of things that we have to do if we want Sex-Positive relationships; number one is truly knowing what you want first. So many of us jump into relationships and we haven’t really even connected with our own intentions, our own energy, our own desires. You have to know who you are and what kind of relationship you want. Do you want a casual relationship? A Polyamorous relationship? A relationship where you can start experiencing Tantric sex? Really connect with what you want. How do you want to feel? Once you decide what kind of relationship you want, you have to get out there and find your tribe actively. It’s not enough to sit at home online and talk to people. You have to go face to face with people because we need to feel that spark, that connection, that body language.
Sandie Sedgbeer: What about people who are older and may be single or divorced getting out into the dating scene again, still carrying some of that conditioning? What advice would you offer them?
Kelly Neff: My advice would be to stop apologizing for who you are. It might feel that you don’t fit in. It might feel like no-one understands you. It might feel like you’re out of touch. It doesn’t matter. You are who you are. You’re where you’re supposed to be. Own it. Don’t apologize. Just be who you are going to be.
Sex Positive – Redefining Our Attitudes to Love and Sex is published by Watkins. For more information about Dr. Kelly Neff’s book and work, visit www.sexpositivebook.com and check out her radio show on www.thelucidplanet.com.
