Dr. John Gray: Beyond Mars and Venus
When these pesticides get into the food, they touch the body. Inside the body, we eat them and these pesticides, the body doesn’t know what to do with them. They bind with estrogen receptor sites and message the brain that you have plenty of female hormones. So, for a woman, if she has plenty of female hormones, then she naturally goes to the male side to balance it. So just being exposed to pesticides causes women to become more masculine. It’s also proven that pesticides lower Testosterone in males. It raises Testosterone in women because we’re like complements to each other.
Still, we’re happiest when we give if we have an open heart that says I have received so much that I want to give back. If you give to get, it doesn’t make female hormones.
CARMEN HARRA: Exactly. This changes the way we function, the way we think, and how we will evolve in the future. Dr. John Gray, Is all of this is going to affect the evolution of relationships long term?
DR. JOHN GRAY: Here’s the evolution of relationships. I’ll give you an example. Right now, I’m in a flow state. Talking to you, I went into an even higher state of flow state where the divine flowed through me because of your presence and our oneness. You’re giving and receiving at the same time. It’s a little bit like what parenting helps us learn to do: when you give to your children, you’re giving it to yourself.
You get that oneness with them.
It goes to a higher flow state when you can give to others that are not your children and connect with them, and it’s giving to yourself.
Most people don’t have the skills to do that, so it’s happening in this role reversal.
So that’s one explanation of why role reversal kills passion. We’re no longer connected to that part of us that needs each other and is different from each other. It’s the differences that create a connection.
Our Similarities create connections. And our Differences create attraction, So there’s a dance. Back to your question, what’s the evolution of relationships? If people could experience growing in love and passion, they would realize that the only way to get to that place is through commitment and marriage. I’ll share a quick little story.
I travel and teach seminars, and I was becoming more and more famous then. I went away to Iowa, and someone invited me to give a seminar there. Evidently, it was at some wealthy woman’s house, and I thought, well, that’s fine. The conference was over, and I was going to bed and, wearing sexy lingerie, she came into my bedroom and wanted to have sex with me. Well, I’m in a monogamous relationship. This had never happened to me. I’m not like some rich, famous guy that women want to jump in bed with, but suddenly I’d become one.
I remember spending about two hours as she tried to convince me to have sex with her, and I’d say, “I don’t think my wife would feel that way, would.” She’d say, “You know you don’t have to tell your wife, etc., etc.” Anyway, I did not have sex with her, and I went home, and I told Bonnie. I said, “Bonnie, there was this woman, and she came into my room, and I was away, and you know how much I enjoy sex with you. I could actually have enjoyed sex with her, and it would just have been a joyful experience, and it doesn’t mean I don’t love you. Would you give me permission to do that?” She said, “John, I’m not in control of you, but I want you to know how it makes me feel, and whether these feelings are right or wrong, I don’t know. All I know is that if I thought that when you travel to other places and a woman wanted to have sex with you, my heart would just close down. I would be so afraid of losing you to a younger, more beautiful woman, and I just don’t feel like I could grow in loving you, and it’s hard enough for me to trust because of my own issues. To grow in love, I need that from you.” So I said, “OK, then you have it.” I just needed a logical reason to do it, and clearly, that was her experience.
Now, there’s a truth to that. We know that many men can grow in power if they’re successful, making them more attractive to women. If they’re young and beautiful, women can attract men, and women know as they get older they lose some of that power unless they know their real power, which we can get to, but most women don’t know that. So, there’s always a threat that I could lose him, but there’s even something more that I discovered through monogamy.
The second thing I learned by being monogamous with my wife is that I bonded with her more. The more you know somebody, the more deeply you can go into sex and enjoy that passion. What happens is many men go, oh, you give up your freedom, and I said no, you don’t understand. When you learn how to have a good relationship, open-hearted sex, your intimate moments are open-hearted. What happens is that you bond so profoundly that to bond with somebody else would be eating junk food. For me, there was this realization that I didn’t give up any freedom.
Part of that came from the recognition that the purpose of sex for a man is he thinks it’s just sex and pleasure and so forth, but I learned early on that the purpose of sex for men is to feel the deep love in their hearts. Sex can open a man’s heart up more than anything in most cases because sex by its nature is estrogen-producing. As long as you feel successful and know how to do it, your wife thinks you’re successful as a husband. Your testosterone levels go to higher levels at that time than at any other time.
So what happens is that by having a monogamous relationship, you can go to higher and higher levels of sexual fulfillment because the love increases. When you just meet somebody, whatever, there’s a sense of newness that creates a passion, but that newness always goes away. In previous generations, people accepted that. They said that’s the honeymoon period. It goes away. People Today want to have that fantastic, intimate experience of masculine-feminine energies being activated together. We call that romance and passion. The men might call it out of your mind sex, OK, fantastic sex. If it’s so incredible, why would I want to think about it with somebody else?
I wrote a book called Mars Venus in the Bedroom. I couldn’t put this in the book because I didn’t have the research. Still, Bonnie and I have practiced, generally speaking, we only had sex once a week. I didn’t know why because there was pressure on me as a relationship expert. People always say, “How much sex do you have?” If I said “Once a week,” they’d say, “Only once a week?” I remember one of my single guys saying, “Once a week? You know, I’m having sex three times a day with my girlfriend.” I said, “Yes, how many weeks is this relationship going to last? Show me 34 years of great sex.” What I didn’t know then is that I just said I’m going to follow my own intuition here and do what feels natural to me. I’m not going to force it.
So what happened is now the Japanese have done a study, and they’ve proven that when you have sex once a week, that means when you have sex with men, they ejaculate. After men have ejaculated in sex, their testosterone levels and male energy are cut in half. This is measurable. That is kind of like Saturday night sex, and then Sunday morning we’re going to sit at church, or we’re going to watch the football game. We’re not going to do much. Men’s energy drops and anybody who’s married has seen that. So the energy level drops in a man afterward. What biologically happens his Testosterone went down 50% from where it was on Saturday evening. Now, if he doesn’t ejaculate for six days, on the seventh day when he wakes up, his testosterone levels will be twice as high. He will double, and he becomes the man who can make passionate love to his wife. We now know that when a man’s testosterone levels double, it dramatically increases a woman’s estrogen levels so that she can open her heart. Isn’t that amazing? Have that scientists showed that?
CARMEN HARRA: It’s just amazing. This is the most fantastic thing I’ve heard in a long time. I had no idea.
DR. JOHN GRAY: Now we have a scientific reason for monogamy. Biology is actually built for monogamy. Everybody talks about how men’s biology is not made for monogamy. Actually, it is. People talk about that, but nobody understands what I’m about to explain.
When a man has sex with a woman who doesn’t love him, his Testosterone will go down 50%, and he will crave to be in another sexual experience as quickly as possible. If sex produces so much dopamine, it’s like taking a hit of cocaine or eating an Oreo Cookie. Try eating one. That’s the nature of a high hit of dopamine. It goes up, and then it goes down, and you want it again and again and again. However, if a man makes love – this has been tested by the Italians – if a man has sex with a woman that he knows, that he’s married to and loves him, that man’s Testosterone goes down like other men. Still, another hormone gets produced, and that hormone is called prolactin. Prolactin inhibits his sexual desire for six days until his testosterone levels double. He’s now super-attracted to his wife again.
So, it is built in to be monogamous, but only monogamous with a woman who loves you. If a man feels loved in sex, his body will make this hormone prolactin, and prolactin is generally only produced by women when they’re breast-feeding. So, it’s a female hormone, but when a man has sex with his wife, who loves him, he will produce prolactin. Prolactin has the effect of lowering your sexual desire for six days. So amazing. Then on the seventh day, it doubles, though if you have sex once a week in having sex that satisfies her, now that’s another aspect of all of this. We have a conditioned response, which you’re very familiar with. Still, for everybody else, the conditioned response is called the Pavlovian response. To a great extent, everything is conditioned responses until, by the way, we’re in a stress-free state. We have to change the behavior based on the response, and we grow new neural pathways in the brain. We have the ability as humans to recondition ourselves and be free of the conditioning of previous generations, but that takes awareness and work.
Continue to Page 3 of the Interview with Dr. John Gray
