Want to Connect More To Others?
People have become more and more alienated lately. More often than not, our mode of connecting is transactional, as opposed to empathetic.
Want to Connect More To Others? Learn To ‘Just Be’ With Them
It seems that people have become more and more alienated lately. More often than not, our mode of interaction is transactional, as opposed to empathetic. “Empathetic” and “transactional” are two of the ways that people behave with one another, and they’re quite the opposite.
“Empathetic” and “transactional” are two of the ways that people behave with one another, and they’re quite the opposite. The former is about enjoying and appreciating the other person’s company. The latter is about what we can do for each other.
In the transactional model, I do something for you (for example, be super friendly and helpful) to expect you to do something for me in return (for example, give me validation, reassurance, affection).
Unfortunately, this way of dealing with others is dehumanizing. Instead of each person appreciating the other, just for who they are, transactional relationships take advantage of what each person might be bringing to the table.
The transactional model of relating turns both parties into objects whose purpose is to serve one another, rather than people whose goal is to connect. This style of interaction makes it increasingly difficult to form and maintain positive, empathetic relationships.
In my weekly women’s groups, one of the main things I teach the participants is how to “just be” with each other. They learn that analyzing, interpreting, entertaining, cheer-leading, educating, helping, or rescuing each other are not ways to create meaningful connections.
The group members learn to simply enjoy spending quality time with each other. They learn and grow through their sharing, and most importantly, they form deep and meaningful bonds.
The participants practice kindness and build empathy. The groups quickly become cohesive entities that are greater than the sum of their parts.
More and more these days, we seem to believe that relationships are about “doing” for one another. We don’t realize that a better model is one of simply being together and appreciating each other.
Fortunately, we’re free to let go of this habit of doing for one another, and we can begin to practice just being present. This doesn’t mean that we never do anything for the other person, but rather, we understand that our relationships’ main point isn’t helpful or useful to each other.
When we shift our goal to being present with one another, many wonderful things can happen closeness grows, trust builds, understanding blossoms. When a real need arises, it’s naturally responded to.
We won’t be responding to the other person’s need because it’s what we’re “supposed” to do or because we’re giving now to get later. Instead, our response will be based on empathy and a natural outgrowth of the closeness we feel.
It takes an awful lot of energy to continually do for one another. Still, it requires very little energy to just be with each other. We can use that extra energy to be more loving, more creative, more productive, and to enjoy our relationships even more.
As we’re human beings, not human “doings,” I can see no reason why we shouldn’t start practicing this new model of interacting with one another, starting today.
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About the Author
Marcia Sirota MD FRCP(C) is a board-certified psychiatrist, that does not ascribe to any one theoretical school. Rather, she has integrated her education and life experiences into a unique approach to the practice of psychotherapy. She considers herself a realist with a healthy measure of optimism. Sign up here for her free monthly wellness newsletter. Listen here to her latest podcast. mariasirotamd.com
My new book, Be Kind, Not Nice: How to Stop People-Pleasing, Build Your Confidence and Discover Your Authentic Self, is now available on Amazon.com and Amazon.ca
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