Is Forgiveness the Goal?
Not long ago, I was researching the topic of forgiveness for a conference presentation proposal. I read the current scientific literature to mine its meaning and discovered that no one had come to an agreement on a definition.
Is Forgiveness the Goal or Is Healing?
by Lyn Barrett
Nonetheless, with a few exceptions, most experts proclaimed that forgiveness was attainable, provided mental and physical health benefits, and could/should be integrated into therapeutic modalities to benefit clients seeking relief from past wounds. A large body of literature encouraged therapists to help clients set forgiveness goals.
I closed my books, put my research on the shelf, and shuffled out to our patio where my husband, Ron, and I would have a happy hour before dinner.
The topic is important to me. In 1992, I was diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder (DID) due to chronic early childhood trauma. My brain split into many pieces to cope with the abuse I experienced when I was very young. My split-apart pieces collaborated well for several decades but fell apart when a family crisis hit.
For over twenty years, I suffered the disorder’s debilitating symptoms, including identity confusion, a profound sense of unreality, multiple selves, cognitive dissonance, overwhelming non-contextual emotion, relationship dysfunction, and suicidal ideation. I worked tirelessly in therapy and real life to heal the damage done and become a whole person. Gratefully, I can report that my alters integrated twenty years ago and now only rarely emerge from their quietude to share a thought or feeling. As a result, I lead a relatively calm, fulfilled, and happy life.
“You’re looking pretty serious about something,” Ron observed as he watched me sip my wine on the back patio.
I told him about my research but reflected that something wasn’t sitting right with me. I knew that forgiveness could release bitterness and resentment and allow the forgiver to let go of past wounds and move forward. I knew that my healing journey had led me right up to the door of forgiveness and maybe had even opened it for me. I knew I was a happy and fulfilled person and was not aware of any bitterness poisoning my life.
“I love science, Ron, and I love scientists,” I grinned at the retired scientist I had married. “But scientists can be very cold and dispassionate when they’re talking about,” and my body began to shake, “something they know nothingthefuck about.” The tears started to flow, “and they think they know whatthefuck is good for me.” I was heaving and gasping for air, “and I hate the word forgiveness, and I shouldn’t have to use it just because a bunch of fuckingmaleresearchers think it’s a fuckinggood word.” My face contorted, and my breath eluded me, “and I shouldn’t have to set a goal to achieve it just because goals are fuckingmeasurable, and those samefuckingmaleresearchers want good fuckingresearchresults.” It took me ten minutes to gather in my tears, “and by setting goals, they’re taking my agency thefuck away from me, and they don’t have the fuckingright to do that,” and it took the rest of the evening to feel the angst dissipate and normalcy settle in.
An alter named Mike had held my anger for years. Mostly, he had used it for good purposes to move me forward in healing, as in, “You deserve more, so put your nose to the grindstone and stop being a victim.” It seems he had been hiding obediently among the folds of my neurons in the years since my integration. Then, that afternoon, he woke up abruptly and had something to say.
So, what was the role of forgiveness in my healing journey and the journeys of countless others with experiences similar to mine?
Forgiveness was never a critical component of my healing. All my energy went into the herculean effort to apply triage to my damaged psyche, unravel my chaos, create safe spaces both inside and out, and stay alive. There was little emotional capital to direct toward some theoretical construct that seemed far out of reach. I worked hard therapeutically and grew wholistically, but I did not embrace the concept of forgiveness.
People with DID have unique issues to navigate during the healing process that profoundly impact forgiveness. Not only have we experienced devastating chronic trauma and abuse, but we’ve experienced it at such a young age where we had no context for the trauma, no escape route, no option but to assume that what we experienced was normal, assume that what we experienced was what we were supposed to experience, and in many cases had to rely on our perpetrators for our very survival.
Our bodies/minds had no choice but to split to survive the unsurvivable. We became the people we are, filled with shame, fear, pain, confusion, unreality, and conflicting wills to live and wills to die because someone or many ones hurt us so profoundly and consistently that our brain matter changed its circuitry to help us survive. Indeed, for some of us, forgiving our perpetrators may mentally equate to assuming the blame for the betrayal.
I believe it is possible, even probable, to heal without forgiving our perpetrators. I believe it is possible, even probable, to experience a full life without having our perpetrators in our lives. I believe it is possible, even probable, to stay entirely focused on ourselves by getting to know our alters, listening to and believing their stories, managing shame, trust, and relationship issues, becoming real, owning our strength and competence – in short, healing – without addressing the extraneous issue of forgiveness.
For the first time in our lives, we can put ourselves first. For the first time in our lives, we can take care of ourselves. This is not selfish. This is at first surviving, then thriving.
Our backyard was filled with the colors of azaleas and the smells of honeysuckles. I soaked up the beauty and reflected that we – people with DID – are not as rare as many people think.
Current research shows that between 1-5% of the world population have the disorder due to chronic early childhood trauma, a prevalence similar to bipolar disorder. So in a room full of 100 people, between one and five of them will have diagnosed or undiagnosed DID. Perhaps the world doesn’t want to believe this kind of abuse exists, but the diagnoses of millions of people prove that it does.
I thought, “The scientists who research forgiveness need to factor in people with dissociative disorders. They need to acknowledge that, in some cases, the normal give and take in relationships that result in hurting and forgiving may not apply to everyone. They need to admit that all the benefits of forgiving are the very same benefits we receive from trauma-informed healing, that there’s no need to offer grace to our perpetrators who accept no blame and make no amends.”
I was almost finished with my wine, and I was getting hungry. The sun was starting to set. Mike had curled up into his safe space in my brain and gone quiet.
Ron stood up to throw the hamburgers on the grill but made a detour behind my chair. He put his hands on my shoulders and rubbed them gently. And I cried some more.
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About the Author
Lyn Barrett is the author of Crazy: Reclaiming Life from the Shadow of Traumatic Memory, and a survivor of early childhood trauma. She is a retired teacher, school principal, and church pastor who at the age of 45, Lyn was diagnosed with multiple personality disorder, now known as dissociative identity disorder (DID). From a happy wife and mother to a suicidal woman, she embarked on a journey to uncover the secrets that overwhelmed her. Lyn now lives a fulfilling and integrated life and currently facilitates writers workshops and teaches a memoir class for dissociative writers, She holds advanced degrees from Lehigh University and Lancaster Theological Seminary. See more at www.lynbarrett.com.
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