4 Tips to Transform Fear from Enemy to Ally
The more we try to ignore fear, stuff it down, or belittle it, the more it shows up. Often louder and more relentless than before.
Learn to Transform Your Fear
By Lynn F Forney
When home on a break from college, Lynn Forney awoke to a man, a stranger, in her bed. Then he stabbed her. Seven times. She lost 21 pints of blood. Statistically, she should not have survived. And if that wasn’t enough, she was victim-blamed and -shamed by the investigating police, hospital staff, family and friends, and even strangers. Now, she’s telling her amazing story of survival: candidly, honestly, and courageously. Hoping that in doing so, she will help others do the same.
Fear is necessary. It has been since we appeared on this earth. It keeps us tuned in to our surroundings. Alerting us to danger, keeping us safe. Unfortunately, it easily takes on a larger role in our daily lives than necessary. Taking over, becoming the loudest voice in the room, keeping us from trying new things and opening ourselves up to new possibilities.
When fear shows up, it can take on many appearances. Many personas. For some, it may be akin to an old friend or family member. The kind that offers backhanded compliments, complains about everything, and just ruins the party. The party they were never invited to in the first place. For others, it can be a more sinister guest. Never leaving, relenting, or tightening their grip. No matter what persona fear takes on for you, it is almost always an unwelcome guest. If you find that fear keeps you from stepping into your fullest self, the one who wants to be bold, brave, and step out of your comfort zone, here are some ideas to help you transform your fear. To turn it into your ally instead of your enemy.
Fear is your protector. It just gets carried away.
Fear isn’t our enemy, although we can easily perceive it to be. It shows up to protect us. To keep us from getting hurt, emotionally or physically. Normally, we would be grateful for someone who did this for us. But as fear increases in our lives, keeping us from doing something we want to do, it becomes a burden. Something we get angry at. Disgusted with. Ashamed of. The more we try to ignore fear, stuff it down, or belittle it, the more it shows up. Often louder and more relentless than before.
So, what if you tried something new when dealing with fear? What if you could speak to it? Give it a name. A character if you will. What does it look like? What clothing does it wear? This may sound strange at first, but the more specific you can be, the easier it will be to address it. And continue to address it in the future as it shows up in your life.
1. Try this exercise.
Take at least ten slow deep breaths. Feel the fabric of your clothes against your skin. Notice any smells in the room around you. If your mind wanders, gently bring it back to the present. To your breath. As you feel calmer and calmer, start to think of a time in the past when fear held you back. What were you feeling? What were you experiencing? What kinds of things did you say to yourself? Continue to breathe deeply. As you continue to notice these phrases, begin to imagine someone else is saying those things to you. What do they look like? Sound like? Ask them what their name is. Let them answer. They will tell you. This is your fear. Ask them why they are here. Why they are telling you these things. Again, let them answer. Then, ask them how they feel. Acknowledge it. Once you feel the conversation is complete, tell them that you understand. You understand why they are here, and you are sorry you have ignored them, been angry at them, etc. Tell them that you are grateful to them. You now understand their purpose. And from now on, you would like to work with them instead of against them. You will listen to their concerns and then double-check that you are, indeed, safe. If you are, you will let them know that you have this under control. They don’t need to worry so much. You’ve thought about the possible outcomes, and you can handle them. Thank them for being with you and assuring them you’ve got this.
2. Now that your fear has a name, speak to them when they arrive.
You’re ready for your next adventure. That new business. Dance class. Speaking engagement. Whatever it may be for you. But, like clockwork, fear shows up to ruin your fun. “What if you fail?” “What if you embarrass yourself?” “What if it’s a waste of time and money?” “Who do you think you are? You’re not the kind of person who does this kind of thing.” You get the picture. This is your chance to talk to your fear. To acknowledge them. Thank them. Then, to reassure them. You’ve got this under control. You’ve considered all of those things, and you know this is for your benefit. You want to do this. Even if it turns out differently than you hope. And that they are welcome to stay if they can support you. But if not, they need to go away until they can.
3. Sit with the feelings you’ll have when you accomplish that thing you are fearful of. (This may take a few tries, but it is possible!)
It’s second nature for most of us to picture all of the catastrophic things that could/will go wrong with something new, but what about all of the things that could go right? And not just what could go right but the feelings you will have with those positive outcomes. Truly experience those feelings. Allow them to travel through your entire body. Stay with them. It may be likely your brain (ie, fear) will want to flip to the catastrophes again but keep gently leading fear back to the other side of that. The joy, accomplishment, excitement, and fulfillment you feel after taking that leap. Train your brain to experience those things. To look for those, even if the outcome isn’t exactly what you pictured. The more you can do this; the more your brain will notice positive things in your life instead of focusing only on the negative.
4. If all else fails, breathe!
When fear runs away from you, breathe! Slow and long. In for four counts, out for four counts. Then try six. Or eight. Find what works for you but refocus on your breath. It truly takes your body out of fight or flight mode (sympathetic nervous system), and back into a restful, peaceful state (parasympathetic nervous system). One that allows you to think more clearly. It can also help to name things that you see around you. Keep it simple. Brown couch. Red blanket. Green plant. What you hear. Plane in the sky. The air filters. A bird chirping. Go through each of the senses and name three to five things you experience with each. It brings you back to the present moment and it can be a powerful tool in times of high stress, anxiety, and fear.
About the Author
Lynn F Forney is an actor, dancer, filmmaker, and author of Choosing Survival: How I Endured a Brutal Attack and a Lifetime of Trauma Through the Power of Action, Choice and Self-Expression
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