Unveiling the Abuse of Men
The abuse of men by their female partners is a serious social problem, largely unacknowledged by society. It has the effect of adding to the sense of disempowerment that many men experience today.
Excerpt from The Abuse of Men
By Lynne Renoir
It seemed to me that the pain men experience as victims of female abuse is of such a magnitude that they are often unable to bear it and also that there is widespread prejudice against men, which works against a just resolution in these kinds of conflicts.
The origins of the bias against men lie in certain philosophies within feminism, which label a wide variety of historical and cultural developments with the single term ‘patriarchy.’ This kind of reduction enables the proponents of these ideas to condemn men as a whole for the problems of civilization.
My interest in this subject arose from my experience over the past twenty years in treating male patients with muscular problems. As I saw the pain in their faces and felt the tension in their bodies, some of these men began to tell me of the women in their lives who were treating them in ways that seemed to be destroying their sense of self and their ability to function.
In my research of the literature in this field, I discovered that. In contrast, studies of male victims investigate mainly physical abuse, those relating to the abuse of women cover physical, sexual, and psychological abuse. I felt, therefore, that it would be appropriate to carry out a similar wide-ranging Enquiry with regard to men.
Through open-ended interviews, I sought to enter as deeply as possible into the world of the participants. As I had been a victim of male abuse, I felt I would be able to empathize at a deep level with the pain and loss of self-respect that an abused person experiences. Researchers believe that when we discuss others, we are always talking about ourselves, and in this regard, I found myself resonating with the participants’ feelings of shame, anger, and betrayal.
An assumption I brought to the research process was that the abused person must be given a voice. In my own experience, while I was ‘under the roof’ of the abuser, I had no rights. Had I disclosed to anyone what was happening, I would have either been disbelieved or told to be submissive. It seemed to me that abused men are silenced the way I was, or if they do speak, they are not heard. A frequent question asked by participants was, ‘you do believe me, don’t you?’ and they would offer to show me legal documents to substantiate their stories.
Although there were a few occasions when I felt there could have been some contributing factors to the abuse, I was surprised by the attitude of several men who blamed themselves for behaviors that I felt were perfectly normal and acceptable. This is consistent with the attitudes of those men in society who carry a deep collective guilt toward all women.
The purpose of this study was not only to enter into the experiences of abused men but to alert society to the pain they are enduring. At times the men seemed to experience a kind of enrichment from being able to tell their stories. Some of them could not get to the end without tears in their eyes.
With stories of physical abuse, the following kind of account was not uncommon: “One day, I took the kids to the park while she went shopping. She came down to the park and started punching me in the face because we weren’t home when she came back – a lot earlier than expected. There was blood everywhere – I thought she’d broken my nose. My kids were with their friends, and they saw the whole thing. Some of the friends had their parents with them. So there she was with her audience, and she played it to the hilt.”
Another participant said, “She seemed to enjoy humiliating me in public, particularly when we were at the club. She would slap me across the face or throw food in my face. She would make belittling, sarcastic remarks about me if we were having a dinner party.”
Researchers believe that female abusers tend to look for male victims who are either very logical or very idealistic. The abusive woman needs something immovable in the man’s mind that she can destroy. One study of battered men states: ‘the majority of men who are abused are not seven-stone weaklings with Amazonian partners. They tend to be well-built but not aggressive. They’re the sort of men who don’t want to hit a man, let alone a woman. So, when the violence starts, they know there is nothing they can do about it, and that tension produces its own kind of terror. Men are placed in a difficult situation to defend themselves. Part of being seen as a ‘real man in our culture is the ability to be able to take it, particularly from a woman. Since most men are taught never to hit a woman, even in self-defense, when they are attacked, they are rendered powerless. Victims of female violence are seen as the most decent kind of men who have come to see themselves as weak because they think that they should hit back.
Several men believed that their partner’s provocation was an attempt to cause them to retaliate physically. Some women seemed to have a need to keep their partners feeling insecure. If a man had counseling and began to define himself more clearly, the woman would feel threatened – sometimes seeing it as an attack on her and would strike back. She would be even more insistent that her violence was entirely her partner’s fault.
With regard to psychological abuse, researchers have compiled a list of common behaviors of abusive women. It includes: embarrassing the man in front of other people; intimidating and threatening him; insisting that anything he wants for himself is selfish or wrong; frequently causing him to feel guilty and ashamed; preventing him from taking a job or doing a course of study; threatening to harm herself or the children if he leaves; blaming him for her behavior; treating him as a servant; forcing him to leave social gatherings and restricting his contact with friends or family; causing him to feel constantly afraid and ‘on guard.’
An unreasonable and unprovoked verbal attack was the form of psychological abuse most commonly reported by participants. Denigration was also a reported feature of abuse. The man was made to feel inferior.
One participant said nothing I did was right. I couldn’t walk into the house without being criticized for something. She didn’t like the way I walked, the way I talked, or the fact that I was Australian. I did all the cooking and the housework, but she’d abuse me because I’d hung something the wrong way on the line or put the quilt on the bed the wrong way round.
The issue which many men felt most deeply was a sense of betrayal. They had opened themselves to their partner and shared their sense of inadequacy, their fears, and their vulnerabilities. The woman then used this information as ammunition against them.
A form of abuse that is often overlooked concerns the intimate relationship of the couple. Women can withhold sex as a form of punishment or use it as a means of manipulation. Alternatively, they can control and humiliate their partner by demanding sex at any time. If the man does not comply, they may go on the attack. Retaliation can include emotional blackmail, locking the man out of the house, and making disparaging comments that he had failed the test of manhood.
The situation for men in abusive relationships is compounded by their lack of options. They are usually reluctant to leave their children, who are often victims themselves. Abusive women can take advantage of the man’s powerlessness and his feelings of protectiveness towards his children. Being brought up to see himself as the protector of women and the family can cause a man to believe that he is abdicating his responsibility by leaving the relationship. So men decide to stay and take whatever they have to suffer. If abused men do seek help, they can become extremely embarrassed, knowing they are seen as weaklings or cowards. For this reason, many are reluctant to disclose their predicament. They may claim it is not a “real problem,” and they will offer other explanations for their injuries.
Even people who are sympathetic to the plight of men today find it difficult to rid themselves of the idea that ‘men have all the power.’ They assume that since there are more males than females in positions of authority, males will make decisions and create policies favorable to men. But this is not the situation with regard to the treatment of men by government departments and instrumentalities and by the legal system. Males in positions of power in the public sphere have so absorbed the feminist agenda that they are, in fact, being patriarchal in the sense of being dominant and intolerant, but it is a ‘feminist patriarchy’ that is being imposed.
Because of the shift in the way men are seen, women are now able to exploit their power to the detriment of men. A woman can abuse a man with impunity since she knows he will have little recourse in the legal system and that, in the event of a breakdown in the relationship, she will have custody of the children and can use them as a weapon against her partner.
The Abuse of Men is available in several formats for E-readers and also on Amazon as a Kindle book.
Reprinted with Permission
Leaving Faith, Finding Meaning – A Preacher’s Daughter’s Search for God
Philosopher Lynne Renoir was born into a family where the Bible was the central focus. She was not allowed to make mistakes or to challenge her father’s opinions. In his view, such behavior was the work of Satan. He believed his duty to God was to belt the devil out of his daughter, and he did so regularly and severely. Lynne’s mother was an obedient wife who supported her husband’s cruelty and never attempted to protect her child.
When the beatings continued into her twenties, Lynne finally broke free.
Convinced she was a failure – a sinner on her way to hell – she left home in an attempt to make meaning of her life.
For several decades, Lynne tried to make her faith work, but she failed to experience anything like the transformation that is promised to believers. Then, when she was 50, an entirely unexpected experience of communication with the spirit world challenged her way of thinking about the nature of reality. It changed the course of her life.
Beings in the higher world who gave her guidance at this time included the philosophers Aristotle, Jacques Derrida, and Thomas Aquinas. Lynne’s academic studies resulted in a Master’s degree in Psychology and a Ph.D. in Philosophy. She also investigated religious traditions, Gnosticism, mysticism, and quantum theory. Ultimately, she came to the wonderfully liberating realization: “there is no God who sees me as a worthless sinner.”
In sharing her compelling journey from religious indoctrination to spiritual freedom, Lynne Renoir provides other seekers with a pathway to meaning and fulfillment.
Leaving Faith, Finding Meaning is available in print and in Kindle format on Amazon.com. Read Lynne Renoir’s blog posts and download excerpts from her books at www.lynnerenoir.com
OMTimes is the premier Spiritually Conscious Magazine. Follow Us On Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Linkedin, Pinterest, and Youtube
