Why is Healing Our Inner Child So Important?
Healing our inner child is essential for self-love and compassion: recognize childhood wounds, offer love, and find peace within.
Why is Healing Our Inner Child So Important to Us?
By Debra Mittler
Have you ever wondered why there’s a lot of talk about healing our inner child and why it’s important to do so if we want to feel at ease, live our truth, and experience a more kind, compassionate, and loving relationship with ourselves and others?
When we’re children, we take things personally. We think everything happens because of us. “It’s because of us that mommy and daddy are upset or fighting.” So we try to improve things, and if we can’t, we start to believe that we’re worthless or not good enough.
We also internalize how our parents treat us; if we are constantly screamed at, punished, criticized, told we ask for too much, or don’t do anything right, that becomes the critical voice inside. Because of this, we may have created a negative self-image and may have started to feel guilt or shame if someone gives us a gift or if we want to have or do anything. We may blame ourselves for the traumas we experienced or for being unable to meet our parent’s expectations.
Trauma isn’t just about the hurt we experienced; trauma is also about what didn’t happen, like physical or emotional neglect. Being ignored, especially when crying or upset, felt like abandonment. Since we learn how to treat ourselves by how our parents treated us, we abandon ourselves, especially when sadness, hurt, or pain surfaces.
Using the word inner child is effective in healing because it’s easier to look at a sweet little child with compassion and gentleness and offer ourselves the love we’ve always wanted and needed to feel confident, secure, lovable, and worthy.
Our inner child is the one who carries the wounds that we may not have dealt with because, at the time, we didn’t receive the right support, love, and understanding we needed. We may have grown up physically, but when we don’t get what we want or are triggered and our deep wounds surface, we emotionally react like we did as a child.
The wounds of the past will keep showing up in the present, and those same reactions will continue until we do the inner healing.
Our inner child is at the root of our patterns. Once our patterns are formed, it becomes our “norm.” If we’re used to living in pain, suffering, people pleasing, using food, drugs, alcohol etc. to help us cope. Suppose we’re suppressing our true feelings and denying our needs so people will love and accept us. In that case, we’ll “unconsciously” hold on tight to these behaviors and patterns because, at the time, they were used for survival and safety, and we may fear something “bad” may happen if we let go or change.
If we want to make more money so we can have a beautiful life journey but deep down we don’t feel worthy, or we feel it’s selfish to receive because it made our parents angry when we asked for anything, we may block the flow of money and act in self depriving ways.
When I was a child, I became very anxious when I was alone (which was a lot), or when I was angry or hurt, and to cope with how I was feeling, I ate to soothe myself. Then, at age 13, my doctor told me to go on a diet, and at age 15, I was anorexic.
When I was in treatment for anorexia, depression, and anxiety, the doctors focused on symptom relief, but nothing changed. Why? My internal programs were “set for” feeling unlovable and unworthy. Deep down, I believed that I deserved to be punished and suffer, and for over 23 years, I lived in a self-abusive prison acting following those beliefs.
My inner child was hurting. I needed to acknowledge her and her pain and show her unconditional acceptance and love; that’s when I started to feel more at ease; however, in the beginning, it wasn’t easy.
When I first tried to connect with little Debra, she hid behind a tree because she feared me. Why? I was mean to us, starved us, exercised for hours, didn’t let us have anything we wanted, made us stay busy, and was critical of everything we did and said.
After a few check-ins, she slowly came out from behind the tree and spoke to me. She let me know she was afraid. She told me how painful it was for her to be screamed at and told she never does anything right. She told me she was tired of trying to please others to earn love and approval. She just wanted to be loved for who she was. She told me she didn’t like that obsessing about money and working all the time was more important than paying attention to her feelings and needs. She told me that she was tired of me being so controlling. She wanted to be free to play, create, and try new things. She told me she needed to hide because she was tired of being told no, hurt, judged, criticized, and treated like she didn’t matter.
I was stuck in perspective from past painful experiences, which was creating my life in the present. What helped me was not ignoring how I was feeling but acknowledging and listening to those tender parts of me that were stuck in past wounds and survival patterns, who felt unloved, not good enough, who feared disappointing others and being punished,
If every time we feel sad, hurt, angry, or overwhelmed, we reach for food, drugs, alcohol, scroll social media, and blame the other person or situation instead of noticing what’s going on within; we’re abandoning our inner child, they keep on hurting, the hurt and pain remains in our bodies and continues to dictate how we act, feel and see.
Some people may say that we need to feel to heal. But, just feeling our feelings doesn’t always bring about healing because sometimes doing that can flood our system and take us deeper into anxiety and depression. Yes, we need to feel to heal, but what’s also important is to learn how to process and express our feelings with someone who can hold a space of unconditional acceptance until we learn how to do this for ourselves; this is what we need as children, it’s called co-regulation and helps calm our system.
Healing is realizing that we’re not bad or wrong if we have an emotional reaction. Our emotional reactions often stem from unresolved childhood trauma. It’s our inner child crying out to be held and loved. Instead of blaming the person or the circumstance, a better approach is to ask ourselves, “What in me hurts? What am I saying this means about myself?” For example, I don’t matter, no one cares about me, I’m unlovable, etc.
If we feel unlovable or not good enough, instead of saying, “I’m lovable, I’m good enough,” first, find out where the opposite conclusions came from. Ask your inner child, “Why do you feel unlovable, not good enough?” By seeing through their eyes and feeling what it was like for them, how they experienced the hurt and pain, and what they concluded it meant about them, others, and the world, we’ll have a better understanding of what’s really going on internally and what in us needs compassion, love and a new understanding.
Healing our inner child is realizing that if we struggle with an addiction, anxiety, or depression, there is a reason; most often, it’s because we’re trying to live up to other people’s expectations or we’re suppressing our pain or true feelings. All feelings are a flow of energy. Resistance to them creates tension/fatigue in our bodies or the need for a substance to help us cope with how we’re feeling.
Healing our inner child is forgiving ourselves for hurting and abandoning ourselves, embracing our imperfections, and moving into love and acceptance.
Healing our inner child is a process of learning how to be more kind and compassionate. It’s going back to the places where we stopped loving ourselves and became disconnected from our true nature and experiencing a loving integration by bringing those “disowned” parts of us into our hearts and rescuing them from the pain they experienced.
Healing our inner child is not about trying to be “perfect” by meeting the standards of others or thinking we’ll never be hurt or react again. It’s about making peace with ourselves and what’s happening in our lives today. It’s about uncovering and embracing those parts of us we tried to hide because they were judged or criticized and seeing them through compassionate eyes. It’s remembering and embracing our playful, joyful, creative, loving, and wise inner child who knows our inherent worthiness, value, and lovability; they hold the keys to true love, joy, and freedom, and connecting with them allows us to experience these things.
Healing our inner child is saying to ourselves, “I know I’ve picked up survival/coping mechanisms for a reason, and they served at a time but may not be serving today; I’m going to listen to that part of me who seems to be “acting out” and find out what they need to feel loved and safe. I will take time for self-care and self-nurturing to know and experience what a loving parent and friend feels like.”
Transforming the effects of trauma, its impact on us, and changing patterns, especially survival patterns, takes patience, love, and compassion. Those parts of us who created those ways of being don’t want to be told they’re wrong or forced to change. They want our love, care, and understanding.
A sweet and precious inner child still lives inside; they’re tender and may be afraid, but they want and need our acknowledgment, compassion, love, and understanding.
Writing a letter to your inner child and reading it to them often may be helpful. It’s something I do and encourage my clients to do, and I encourage you too, if it resonates with you; here’s an example of one of mine;
“My sweet and precious little Debra, you’re my superstar. You make me so happy and proud; you matter, and you mean the world to me. I’m sorry it wasn’t easy for you when others were mean to you when you didn’t do what they wanted you to. You didn’t do anything wrong. You have permission to be you, to share how you’re feeling, and to ask for what you want and need. I’m sorry no one was around to love you and hold you when you were afraid or crying. I’m sorry you felt unloved, alone, and unsafe. I’m here now. You can share anything with me. I’m listening. I give you permission to be free, play, create, and have fun. You no longer have to hide. I’m with you. I’m cheering you on. You’re allowed to do what makes you happy. Keep following your heart. I’m with you every step of the way. You’re so very special to me. I LOVE you.”
Please remember that no matter what you’re going through, there’s nothing wrong with you. You are beautiful, valuable, and lovable as you are, even with your wounds and scars.
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About the Author
Debra Mittler is a warm and compassionate healer who assists her clients in healing past wounds and scars and connecting with the truth of who they are. She is a Spiritual Counselor, Intuitive Healer, and Hypnotherapist with a unique ability to touch people’s hearts and souls. Debra enjoys assisting others in developing and cultivating gentle and loving ways of being with themselves and others and following their heartfelt dreams.
For more information, you can contact Debra at Debra@Hypnosisisfreedom.com (310) 948-9997 www.Hypnosisisfreedom.com. You can also visit her blogs at http://DebraMittler.wordpress.com and http://PoeticHealing.wordpress.com.
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