The Perpetual Pursuit of Approval
The fear of not being liked and the underlying need for approval highlight the importance of self-acceptance and inner work to break free from these patterns.
The Perpetual Pursuit of Approval – The Constant Need to be Liked
By Royce Morales
Have you noticed that sometimes you react like you’re back in high school when someone doesn’t like you? Maybe you obsess over the need for approval for days, weeks, months, or even years.
Or do you pretend to not care about their opinion or approval?
Perhaps you try to figure out logically what they could possibly be thinking. How could anyone not like me, you recite to yourself. You rationalize they’re probably just jealous, insecure, and needing to feel in control.
You search for ways to rectify the situation, attempting to negotiate or reason them out of this odd misunderstanding of such a nice person that you are.
You overcompensate with kindness, gifting sappy birthday texts flooded with heart emojis. You bend over backward with fawning, dare I say groveling, simply because you can’t bear the notion that someone doesn’t like you.
Then there’s always the opposite tactic – turn a cold shoulder. Catching a glimpse of your nemesis, you take another route, duck your head, and pretend to not see them. Indeed, you even ponder revenge, hoping to turn the tables or at least even out the score.
You campaign for agreement from friends about how wrong that person’s negative opinion is, convincing them to join your side. You gossip, posing countless examples of how terrible they are, with or without evidence.
Even with your entire tribe’s support and pity, the sting doesn’t quell. Part of you knows you can’t manipulate others’ opinions of you or people-please your way to approval and
acceptance. Reluctantly, you shrug your shoulders, mumble whatever, and swallow your hurt, disappointment, and confusion.
You accept that you are not liked for reasons you may never know or understand.
But the how come never completely disappears and can trigger future relationships to anticipate the same result.
The need to be liked or approved of is one of those primitive, fear-based, factory-installed survival programs. Nothing is more threatening than not being accepted. This need makes you overly attuned to what others think of you, causing you to take on inauthentic ways of behaving to make sure you fit in. This core need is a huge stumbling block in the way of self-acceptance.
Rescuer Syndrome
All of us have experienced being rescued or saved in big or small ways. When you perceive that someone cares enough to save you, that can subconsciously keep you stuck in victim mode. Your fear-based consciousness defines it as being loved.
The problem is that whoever stepped in and saved you becomes your fear-connected ally. From then on, you anticipate that they or someone comparable will always save you. You go through life choosing those who offer similar rescuing or the potential of.
This choice ends up in you handing over a massive dose of your power.
The rescuer/rescued dance may sound positive, but since it’s based on fear, it ends up compelling you to continue the pattern, subconsciously setting up situations to make sure you are rescued.
In most cases, ally relationships start with one or both parents since they are responsible for giving you life and supporting your survival. Literally, however, allying begins as early as conception when you join with the one who appeared to want you the most or had the purest motives in wanting you.
This simplified scenario becomes your way of being in the world and why you so desperately need to be liked.
What is Saving?
Remember that “saving” can be dramatic or subtle, and can take place physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. Often, it can be as simple as being defended verbally or provided with sympathy.
Let’s take a deeper dive.
Subconsciously, you chose your rescuing scenario based on how you needed to be saved from yourself.
For example, If you believe you’ve done harmful things with money, you will choose a parent who will rescue you financially, appearing that they will prevent you from doing more harm.
To your survival-based consciousness, all of the above looks like love, making it difficult to see how disempowering these relationships are. It’s equally challenging to transform them into supportive, real love since your fear-based consciousness craves approval as its life force.
The Not-Your-First-Rodeo Catch 22’s
Due to the overflowing suitcases of subconscious guilt you’re carrying around from past lifetimes, part of you believes you don’t deserve power, love, and authenticity. The truth is, when others don’t like you, they’re exposing that deeply hidden, undeserving notion. That throws your fear-based consciousness into hyperdrive to make sure you aren’t further busted.
Then, off you go into ‘poor me,’ which triggers your allies to come to rescue you.
The payoff? You don’t have to address how dangerous you subconsciously believe you are and get to stay ‘safely’ a victim.
Looking at the bigger picture, all of the above shows accurate mirrors designed on a higher consciousness level to wake you and get your power back.
What to Do?
Blaming others when your need to be liked isn’t fulfilled is a waste of time and energy. Spending time discovering what’s being reflected can create deep-level shifts. This key opens doors to profound inner awakening, self-growth, and dropping those masks of inauthenticity.
Rather than focusing externally, do some inner delving. Caring about others’ opinions, needing to be liked or approved of, shows you something about yourself – hidden self-judgment — that you’re in denial of being reflected.
Do the following, step-by-step:
1) Notice triggered reactions from perceiving that you are not liked, determining the exact button being pushed. Example: If the person not liking you is judging you as being selfish, see if there’s part of you that believes you are selfish in some way. It might be camouflaged with acting generous to cover up true selfish intentions. Tell the truth to yourself.
2) Observe your instant reactions about needing to be right, needing others to go into agreement with you, needing to be saved. It likely feels uncomfortable to not have that going on. In the Real World or symbolically, do anything that feels like a statement of not needing to be rescued or have allies.
3) A powerful way to resolve the first layer of this pattern is to stop allowing yourself to be rescued. For example, if you notice that you keep running to your ally dad to help you out of frequent financial messes, try not doing that and see what happens. Committing to take your power back can manifest unexpected, often astonishing results.
The rest should be done with a skilled facilitator (I help with that). It includes doing core inner work to resolve past suppressed incidents where you decided you needed to be saved or rescued because you caused pain or loss. Locating and releasing those disempowering beliefs brings self-acceptance, letting go of needing to garner love and approval from external sources.
Remember that those who choose to not like you for whatever reason are your best teachers. They are exposing subconscious fears as well as assisting in discovering your denied, suppressed guilt. Deserve to genuinely like YOURSELF and watch what unfolds magically!
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About the Author
Royce Morales is a spiritual trailblazer who has been teaching her innovative approach to inner transformation, Perfect Life Awakening, for over four decades.
Her classes and private sessions shift subconscious, disempowering, false programmed beliefs by releasing where they originated. As a result, self-sabotaging patterns and paralyzing issues lose their impact, transforming life from triggered to empowered.
She authored three books about her teachings available on Amazon. www.RoyceMorales.com
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