Blessings In Disguise
By Mary Cook, M.A., R.A.S.
When we are committed to personal growth, we understand that everything we experience is a means to enlighten us on our life journey. It is easy to be grateful for events that stimulate positive feelings, yet it is usually the painful experiences of our life that elicit the highest healing and the greatest blessings.
The “gift of desperation” that people in twelve step programs talk about is their gratitude for the pain and suffering that led them into recovery. Problems and stress continue to visit us however, and we are not generally thankful for the opportunity they provide for us to learn and grow. When we expect to be in charge of what life brings us, we will feel victimized. When we accept the mysteries of life, we realize greater possibilities of growth. When we give external caretaking more power than internal caretaking, we will feel empty. When we balance internal and external nourishment, we feel fulfilled.
There are natural consequences that manifest from our dominant thoughts, feelings and actions. When we are not moving in a healthy direction, negative internal and external signals indicate this. When we ignore the early warnings, the signals escalate. Thus the more mindful and reflective we are, the earlier we can intervene in our own creation and progression of problems.
Spiritual growth is an alchemical process that changes negative thoughts, emotions and actions into their positive counterpart. This is typically what addicts attempt to do with compulsions. True transformation however, is not a defensive process. It is the truth that frees us from darkness, not denial, running away or fighting.
We must appreciate and understand what holds negative energy within us and in our life, and see the root problem below it. The origin of negative energy is always a part of us that needs healing, understanding and love. Reacting superficially to symptoms and defense mechanisms increases negative energy, leading us further away from a healthy solution.
When no-one has heard or understood our pain, and darkness is our dominant experience, we communicate this through negative actions against ourselves and others. Our own defending and offending behaviors and attitudes reinforce fear and negativity. Our need to protect ourselves from chronic pain leads us to disengage with our true self and with others. We are stuck here until someone helps us to see our higher truth.
When our defenses finally cannot withstand the pressure of our pain, we become more aware of the magnitude of our confusion and failure. Additionally if we have sufficient hope for a different solution, our gift of desperation allows us to reach out for help.
Psychology talks about the importance of emotionally corrective experiences, in order to overcome trauma and negative habits. We need to find people who are safe, supportive and helpful to our healing, and then we need to be vulnerable with them. We must allow them to point out our faults, and learn that our character defects and defenses are not our identity. We can listen to what feels real and strikes a resonant chord within us, and let this remind us of and lead us to our true self.
Because we are creatures of habit we need to avoid toxic people, experiences and environments at least until our new internal reality feels strong and comfortable. We need to practice appropriate ways to address and respond to stimuli that formerly triggered unhealthy behavior, while we have surrounding support to reinforce us.
When we respond assertively, with the sole intent to protect new growth, instead of passive or aggressive reactions, there is no negative energy. We are only speaking for what works for us and what doesn’t, and we accept that each of us is given the free will to do the same.
When we understand that past trauma is not re-occurring in our present life, and that current events are only reminding us of it, we can practice healthy adult responses to these situations. We can furthermore be grateful for our safety, sanity, support, understanding, and our opportunity to heal at this time.
Healthy children love to learn new things and practice new behaviors. When we become unhealthy, we acquire rigidity, arrogance, self-righteousness, intolerance, impatience and rebelliousness. These are all fear based character defects. Adults who are healing develop open-mindedness, humility, sensitivity, respect, understanding, patience and cooperation. Spiritual growth incorporates all that we experience as a means to enlightenment. We call positive events blessings, and we will do well to remember that negative events hold lessons leading to even greater blessings.
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WWW.MARYCOOKMA.COM Mary Cook is the author of “Grace Lost and Found: From Addictions and Compulsions to Satisfaction and Serenity”, available from Barnes & Noble, Amazon.com etc. Mary has 36 years of clinical practice and 29 years of university teaching experience. She is a national speaker and has a private practice in San Pedro, CA. Mary is available for telephone and office counseling, guided meditation, speaking engagements and in-service training. Contact her at MaryCookMA@att.net and see website for further information.
